When you're invited to the wedding but barely know them

merpk

Tue, Dec 31 2019, 8:18 am

Backstory is that our son is getting married. We're in Israel with no family here, and nobody from our already-small family in the US can make it (and we are very close with them and everyone is a bit heartbroken over it, but this is how it is).

So we have been here quite a while but don't have a kehilla (my husband davens in a few shuls for specific minyanim). I work from home on the computer and have no social life to speak of for various reasons (a special needs kid, a complicated marriage, a complicated hashkafa, I don't speak Hebrew too well, and am kind of socially uncomfortable as a general rule).

So my husband is making an invite list that includes everyone he's ever interacted with. He's very concerned that "nobody will come" because of the shlep (wedding in the north and we're in the middle-ish south and most of the people we know are in Yerushalayim), so he's convinced that we have to have a long list so maybe someone anyone will show up.

Some of the list is people used to be in our kehilla in NY but we've lost touch with, and some of those are people we connected with early in our teshuva, who still feel like family even if we're not in touch (the couple whose Shabbos table we met at, for example). So they are not the people I'm asking about. I know that if they come or not, they will at least understand why they're invited.

But DH is also inviting just about everybody here who, for example, hosted us for a meal in our first year after aliyah, which was over a decade ago. So we've had no contact with any of these people since the "thank you for the lovely seuda" phone call, and they haven't invited us to their kids' weddings that I can recall. He's inviting people he knows kind of in passing, that he says hello to at shul or that maybe we gave a lift to here or there or .... you know what I mean?

So I feel weird about sending these invitations. DH is insistent on it. I don't mind too much because it's within our part of the budget (we've had the money put away for this for a long time so that's not the issue), though I do feel disturbed that I don't know almost any of the dozens of names that are on the list. Combine that with my own introverted tendencies, and the whole going-around-to-say-hi-to-your-guests thing is not something I'm looking forward to at all.

So I'm just curious how people react to this sort of thing, so here are the questions:

When you get an invitation to a wedding of the kids of people you barely know:

Do you ever go?
Do you just say, oh, mazel tov, maybe send back a "thanks but I'm not coming" RSVP and forget about it?
Do you feel weird about getting the invitation, like it's just fishing for gifts?

grace413

Tue, Dec 31 2019, 8:38 am

It's quite normal in Israel for people to invite everybody they've ever said hello to, so no need to feel uncomfortable on that score.

I don't think anybody feels it's fishing for a gift.

Do not worry at all about "going around to say hello to your guests" My son got married not all that long ago and I don't believe we did that.

While I do love my friends and enjoy interacting with them, I'm not likely to go a wedding these days if it's not somebody I'm close too, especially if it's a long distance away.

Relax. Mazel Tov.

Elfrida

Tue, Dec 31 2019, 8:50 am

I wouldn't think they were looking for more gifts.

If it was local, I would probably make an effort to drop in and say mazel tov, though probably not stay for very long. If it is a few hours journey, I doubt I would bother for people I barely know. I doubt that sending out invitations this level of acquaintance will have much impact on attendance at the wedding.

Hiring a hasa'ah and letting people know that transport directly to the hall and back is a available would be a much more significant factor for me in choosing to attend.

EPL

Tue, Dec 31 2019, 8:51 am

My son got married to a girl from another country, so we didn't have many people on our side attend. The people who came, our family and closest friends, made it very joyful for us. I prefer a small intimate affair, with people who really want to be there, to a large wedding where many people go grudgingly.
And yes, there will be people who will think they were invited for a gift. My husband felt that I should invite my boss and co-workers, even though we knew they wouldn't travel. I listened to him, against my better judgement. But then I went around telling them that even though I wanted to invite them, I'm not accepting any gifts.

etky

Tue, Dec 31 2019, 9:14 am

I totally agree with Grace413.
My father invited the makolet owner and the check out lady from the supermarket to my wedding and they came (it was in Jerusalem though). They knew we were Olim and didn't have a lot of family here.
I think it's kind of understood why people who are not natives and/or don't have a large family or social circle ask what others consider second and third tier acquaintances to smachot. And even people with large families often invite mere acquantainces. It's just what's done here.
I don't think anyone considers it fishing for gifts at all. It's considered much more simchadig here when there are lots of people and everyone understands that.
When I get this type of invitation I feel touched and will normally make an effort to attend, understanding that my presence is really wanted. On the other hand, I agree with Elfrida that if it's a shlep that is a big detterent and maybe a hasa'a would be welcome and encourage people to attend.

merpk

Tue, Dec 31 2019, 9:18 am

To the mentions of "drop in," yes, my husband does that often, goes to a lot of khuppahs folks are making in the community just to say mazal tov. The furthest he'll shlep for a mazal tov is Bnei Brak, and the wedding we're making is in the Galil so it's probably not going to get any "drop ins."

I thought I'd edited the OP to indicate this but must've forgotten to "submit," I am not concerned that the hall will be empty. My son is connected to a yeshiva, and he's in the army, so assuming just from there, and was very involved in his youth group and has already whatsapped the sneef the date and the location...... and the kallah's family is all in Israel and is Moroccan. So I'm REALLY not worried the hall will be empty. LOL

Maybe it's just overthinking. And I have no problem with inviting the whole world to the wedding. But there are a couple of people who DH is trying to find out their names to put on the invitation, and I was just wondering how they would react to getting one. Like, "Who are these people again??"

rivkam

Tue, Dec 31 2019, 9:23 am

If I got an invitation from someone I don't know well I likely wouldn't go but a situation like yours is the exception. I have made special efforts in the past to go to weddings of people who newly made aliyah or they are getting married in Israel but don't live here. Send out the invites and don't think about it too much.
If your daughter learnt in a seminary here, its nice to invite the teachers from there even if shes not been in touch with them for a long time and of course any girls who live in Israel.

zaq

Tue, Dec 31 2019, 10:12 am

I went to the bris of the son of someone who was in my group on an Israel program for all of a couple of months. This was at least 4-5 years later, during which time we had not been in touch at all. Nada. Zilch. Didn’t even know she got married. She didn’t live anywhere near me and the bris was about an hour away from me by mass transit. I don’t know why she invited me, or if she invited everyone who had been in that Israel group. I was the only person there who wasn’t a family member or an aide to an elderly family member. This wasn’t someone I would suspect of having few friends—she was the popular type. The venue was chosen for the convenience of the elderly relatives who lived moderately out of the way and nowhere near her home. Maybe I just figured if she’s going out of her way to accommodate the old folks, she deserves to have some younger company there.

I never heard from her again after that. Oh, well.

etky

Tue, Dec 31 2019, 10:18 am

merpk wrote:

You can enclose a short personal note mentioning where you remember them from and that you wanted to let them know that you are making a simcha and that it would be nice if they could share it with you.

dankbar

Tue, Dec 31 2019, 3:15 pm

I get tons of invitations. I have difficulty attending because of babysitting arrangements. If it's family & local I can rotate with my husband, to each stay by simcha a little & stay with kids home a little.
If we both need to attend & it's not local becomes more of an issue.
I have to prioritize which simchas I must make an effort to attend & which I can skip.

Someone really close, I would go for a longer time.
Someone less so, just drop in to say mazel tov!
Someone not that much, just toss invitation.

Just received an invite from a neighbor down the block that I never exchange two words with, but over 20 years ago as single girls, we spent time together by an elderly woman.