S/O To “Mixing In”- Interrogating Someone

rosezee

Wed, Jan 08 2020, 7:08 pm

hodeez wrote:

I get very annoyed when the second question a stranger asks me is"what do you do?" It's like they want to decide if I am worth their time or something...

I ask that to people I just meet. And I’m not thinking in my head are they worth my time.
Rather I find it interesting what someone chooses to dedicate their life to. Says a lot about them and their interests.

amother

Ivory

Wed, Jan 08 2020, 7:11 pm

STMommy wrote:

I have a common Jewish last name from my DH (let's say Cohen, but that's not it).
There are multiple ways to spell it.
People will frequently ask me loads of questions ("Are you related to the Cohens from Antwerp" etc) that are (a) are referring to another well-known family with the same sounding last name but they spell it differently or (b) things that I wouldn't be able to answer because, hello, it's my DH's family name not mine.

I have the same thing except my last name is not so common. "Are you cousins with xyz samelastnameasyou?"
My father in law barely knows his brothers, so I cannot be expected to know their grandchildren.

Cheiny

Wed, Jan 08 2020, 7:26 pm

thunderstorm wrote:

After reading the other thread where people found it rude that the OP joined a conversation where she wasn’t wanted , I began thinking:
Does it bother you when someone meets you for the first time and they begin asking you questions like : Are you related to so and so? Did you work at such and such? Are you the sibling of XYZ? Where are you from? Where are you ORIGINALLY from? Etc.

I like connecting to people and I know that the world is very small and find it nice to discover we have already been connected in some way. BUT I know people that find it extremely invasive and offensive when people do that or when they show interest in them. They think it’s rude, while I see it as showing genuine interest in a person. What do you think?

I don’t see a problem with any of those questions. It’s not like asking, How much money do you earn?

thunderstorm

Wed, Jan 08 2020, 7:33 pm

amother [ Black ] wrote:

I'm a BT. I've always hated Jewish geography because I never know the right people. I didn't go to the right school, the right camps, etc. People seem to get visibly disappointed in me and then continue with a desperation that's just embarrassing. "But you must know Chani! She's from the same town!" At that point it does feel like an interrogation. A couple of questions about what I do, asked casually to start conversations, no problem.

Lol. My mother is a BT but is the queen of Jewish geography. It sometimes seems there’s not a person in the world that she doesn’t know.

#BestBubby

Wed, Jan 08 2020, 7:44 pm

You have to know what is a personal question and what is neutral.

And you have to be able to sense if you are making the other person uncomfortable.

amother

Goldenrod

Wed, Jan 08 2020, 7:52 pm

I hate Jewish geography bc I find it can inevitably lead to some lashan hara. Why even go there? Someone once said, "brilliant minds discuss ideas, mediocre minds discuss things, and simple minds discuss people".

singleagain

Wed, Jan 08 2020, 8:24 pm

thunderstorm wrote:

Lol. My mother is a BT but is the queen of Jewish geography. It sometimes seems there’s not a person in the world that she doesn’t know.

Maybe your mother knows mine. It seems as though everyone and her cousin has worked for my mother at some point in her life.

Some of my mom's really close friends were originally her employees.

amother

Gray

Wed, Jan 08 2020, 8:27 pm

amother [ Goldenrod ] wrote:

Someone once said, "brilliant minds discuss ideas, mediocre minds discuss things, and simple minds discuss people".

The person who said that was a hypocrite because it's a statement about people.

ruchelbuckle

Wed, Jan 08 2020, 9:09 pm

rosezee wrote:

When the person doesn’t let me get a word in at all, or lead the conversations at moments also- yes. Yes. And yes!
Something is really off to me when someone asks questions one after the other just about me, never sharing about themselves or even allowing me to ask about them.
.

OMG, I hate this, too. After the 2nd or 3rd question, I just interrupt and say “I’m sorry, what did you say your name was?”

I remember when I was in seminary in e”y, our menahel used to say, “just because you called someone up and asked can me and my 4 friends come for shabbos?— it doesn’t give your hosts the right to interrogate you at the shabbos table.”

amother

Turquoise

Wed, Jan 08 2020, 9:48 pm

It really depends on the person..
I hate it because I have such a complicated background and makes me feel very uncomfortable.. Not everyone needs to know my life story I will share parts of it if and when I feel comfortable.
Banging head

33055

Wed, Jan 08 2020, 10:20 pm

amother [ Saddlebrown ] wrote:

There's a huge difference between playing Jewish geography (which is what the OP is referring to) and asking someone how much they earn.

I hate Jewish geography. No, you don't know anyone I'm related to. No, you don't know where I'm from, and don't know anyone I grew up with. Trust me.

But its not offensive unless you continue when the other makes clear that she doesn't want to answer.

It's the integration that's so offputting. They don't stop at normal boundaries. I agree with the poster who said the question about what you do is to pidgeon hole you into being someone worth knowing or not. Other questions like that are what DH does. What does what DH does have to do with connecting to me?

There are so many other ways to connect that don't involve jobs or who your relatives are.

amother

Lawngreen

Wed, Jan 08 2020, 10:24 pm

amother [ Gray ] wrote:

The person who said that was a hypocrite because it's a statement about people.

It's an idea about people. It's paradoxical.

amother

Gray

Wed, Jan 08 2020, 10:25 pm

Cheiny wrote:

I don’t see a problem with any of those questions. It’s not like asking, How much money do you earn?

If "how much money do you earn?" weren't taboo, we'd all earn more.