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Is this normal ?
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Jan 16 2020, 2:04 pm
My BIL and SIL got married a little less than a year ago . They are much more touchy feely than is common in our circle . Dh and I will not touch at all in public for example and they will lay on each others laps (head on lap) in the living room with others there.
They came to us for shabbos and our guest room has the typical two twin beds a few feet apart. After shabbos when I went to clean up I saw they had pushed the beds together and left it like that... I was weirded out. Is it just me ?
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thunderstorm




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 16 2020, 2:11 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
My BIL and SIL got married a little less than a year ago . They are much more touchy feely than is common in our circle . Dh and I will not touch at all in public for example and they will lay on each others laps (head on lap) in the living room with others there.
They came to us for shabbos and our guest room has the typical two twin beds a few feet apart. After shabbos when I went to clean up I saw they had pushed the beds together and left it like that... I was weirded out. Is it just me ?

Nothing to be weirded out by. My guests do the same. I mean the beds not laying in each other’s laps.
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healthymom1




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 16 2020, 2:15 pm
Normal! They like being close. Daven they should always enjoy being so affectionate and close!

You may feel connected to your husband differently, but this clearly works for them!

Nothing to be weirded out by.
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allthingsblue




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 16 2020, 2:17 pm
Not weird. Would have been more polite for them to move the beds back to how they were originally but I'm sure they'll grow up and learn.
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malki2




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 16 2020, 2:20 pm
PDA’s are not proper, halachically. Especially head in lap. Get a room, as they say in the vernacular.
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little neshamala




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 16 2020, 2:21 pm
I can hear you being weirded out by laying their heads on each others laps, but the beds together are really no big deal
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amother
Honeydew


 

Post Thu, Jan 16 2020, 2:34 pm
The PDA is definitely annoying, but I give a pass to newlyweds. It'll wear off eventually. Not sure what the problem is with the beds? Clearly they weren't niddah so they put them together. More weird of you to think about it as much as you are than for them to have done that.
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amother
Slategray


 

Post Thu, Jan 16 2020, 2:37 pm
They sound like an immature couple that want to show everyone around them how much in love they are. It is inappropriate to lay on each other's laps in public. If they do it at your in laws house, I think MIL or FIL can tell them off. I'd be bothered by such behavior in my home.
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amother
Slategray


 

Post Thu, Jan 16 2020, 2:40 pm
healthymom1 wrote:
Normal! They like being close. Daven they should always enjoy being so affectionate and close!

You may feel connected to your husband differently, but this clearly works for them!

Nothing to be weirded out by.


It is not normal for a frum couple to be laying on each other's laps in public. Especially if touching in public is not done in their circles and community.
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hodeez




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 16 2020, 2:40 pm
Not unheard of but not appropriate either. They're just lacking that sensitivity. Hopefully they will develop it as they grow together.
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Jan 16 2020, 2:55 pm
I don’t know- I wouldn’t want my hosts to know that we were intimate or even cuddling the night before . Seems a major breach of tznius . But maybe I’m over sensitive.

I agree the laying on laps is a bigger deal. It’s super awkward .
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amother
Lawngreen


 

Post Thu, Jan 16 2020, 3:04 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I don’t know- I wouldn’t want my hosts to know that we were intimate or even cuddling the night before . Seems a major breach of tznius . But maybe I’m over sensitive.

I agree the laying on laps is a bigger deal. It’s super awkward .
My sister and brother in law are very charedi. We are not. The first thing she does whenever they come to us is push the two beds together. And they touch a bit in public. They are married a bit less than two years.
The PDA they will learn what is and is not appropriate out of the bedroom. The beds? Who really cares. Couples sleep together (and I mean sleep). I think you are over reacting to that.
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amother
Mint


 

Post Thu, Jan 16 2020, 3:16 pm
Yes I think it is extremely weird that they left the beds like that. The laying in each other’s laps sounds more immature to me but leaving the bedroom differently then it was when they got there is not the norm. I don’t think it’s a problem that they loved the nets together but that they left it like that.
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Jan 16 2020, 3:35 pm
amother [ Lawngreen ] wrote:
My sister and brother in law are very charedi. We are not. The first thing she does whenever they come to us is push the two beds together. And they touch a bit in public. They are married a bit less than two years.
The PDA they will learn what is and is not appropriate out of the bedroom. The beds? Who really cares. Couples sleep together (and I mean sleep). I think you are over reacting to that.


My only reaction is this post lol. I didn’t say anything to anyone in real life. Just wanted to know if it’s normal so I don’t think this is an overreaction even if what they did was totally 100% normal
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Iymnok




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 16 2020, 3:40 pm
We have pushed beds together. I always try to leave it as I found it to minimize the tircha of our hosts.
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amother
Violet


 

Post Thu, Jan 16 2020, 4:06 pm
I would push the beds back before leaving and normally I would say that they probably forgot to do that but if they always show some pda could he they just dont care . My bil and sil are the exact same way btw. I hate having them over because whenever they're by us even for a meal they're always leaning on each other, sitting practically on top of each other on the couch it's just disgusting already . I dont understand why they feel the need to always hug and lean on each other in public ?! It just makes me so uncomfortable they even did this when they were engaged . I started making jokes whenever they get too close like I tell them to get a room etc and they giggle like it's funny . It is what it is . Some people have no class and it's also an immaturity thing . There's nothing wrong with you op.
(When I was a kallah I learned that you should keep harchakos in public so that people dont know your nidah status at the time so yes sometimes in public we forget so we pass things to each other but I would never lean on my husband or hug him out in public or when we have company . )
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amother
Seagreen


 

Post Thu, Jan 16 2020, 4:23 pm
In the secular world, it's a common phenomenon for a couple to initially go overboard with PDA (by secular norms) when it's one or both people's first seriously se*ual relationship. The thrills wears off and they eventually realize it's lame and makes other people feel awkward and they cool off.

I know it's different in the frum world because tznius is taught, but it's not shocking to me that some people just get carried away a little too much when first allowed to fully indulge. Especially if one or both of the couple tends to be socially oblivious anyway.

This is not to say that they are behaving appropriately with the lap laying, but just that it's hopefully a temporary stage and I don't think it's a symptom of anything deeply problematic or with long-term implications.
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 16 2020, 5:18 pm
This behavior is not the norm for most frum couples but I don’t think they’re weird per se; I think they’re immature and self-centered and don’t care whom they embarrass. I’ve always wondered what such exhibitionists are trying to prove, and why.
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nechamashifra




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 16 2020, 5:36 pm
The bed thing sounds normal. The pda imho is rude.
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amother
Goldenrod


 

Post Thu, Jan 16 2020, 5:41 pm
malki2 wrote:
PDA’s are not proper, halachically. Especially head in lap. Get a room, as they say in the vernacular.


Everyone knows that. I imagine these two people do, as well. They are clearly choosing to do otherwise.
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