Should I force her to tell me?

amother

Thu, Jan 16 2020, 6:11 pm

DD15 is an outgoing girl and she's always told us the goings-on in school and in her life. I know all her friends and once in a while a friend of hers will approach me and we talk things over. A couple of nights ago DD was crying in her room. DH and I both asked why but she wouldn't tell us, just said she wanted to go to sleep. I thought I had embarrassed her or something like that. I waited a day or two and brought it up when we were alone. She wouldn't tell me and her eyes teared up. We've never had this before. Her attitude about therapy has always been that if she has something to say she'd share it with her parents before a stranger so she can't understand people that go to therapy and talk to a stranger. I can't even offer her that option. DH texted me now that she called him earlier to ask if you'r allowed to talk L"H about someone if you must get something off your chest. Right now she's in her room studying with a friend as if nothing is wrong. I'm extremely concerned about her.

How do I get her to tell me what's going on? She's obviously walking around with a heavy burden and it's making me so sad. I want to help her. OTOH it might concern a friend of hers and therefore she doesn't want to break confidentiality by telling me. I don't know what to do.

amother

Thu, Jan 16 2020, 6:20 pm

No, CH"V not force her. I used the wrong word. I mean to insist and bother her until she tells me. I asked her if she was safe and she nodded that night when she was crying. I told her I loved her and if she needs help with something she should please tell me. She said okay. I wouldn't be concerned if it was just a one time thing and blew over but it's been a few days and she's obviously not over it if she texted DH.

amother

Linen

Thu, Jan 16 2020, 6:22 pm

First of all you can't FORCE her to tell you anything. You can encourage her. And please do!
She must talk to someone if something is weighing so heavily on her heart. If not to her parents, then to a trusted teacher or mentor.
We had an awful experience many years ago where a "friend" confided in my relative that she was very sick and undergoing treatments. She even took many days off from school. My relative cried and cried and spent hours praying for this "friend" and since she was sworn to secrecy she wouldn't divulge why she was crying. It took lots of prodding and warm encouragement to get her to confide what was going on, and to verify that it was 100% untrue. It took a very long time to recuperate from the betrayal and lies.
If you see a drastic change in your teen's behavior, encourage her to discuss what's bothering her.

Flip Flops

Thu, Jan 16 2020, 6:25 pm

What I understood from your post is that dd would share it with you, she just feels that halachicly (L"H or betraying a secret) she can't. I'm not a rabbi but I'd assume she is allowed to tell you and you should reassure her that it is ok for her to share the info with you.
If you'd like you or dd can double check with your rabbi that she can share that info with you.

amother

Pink

Thu, Jan 16 2020, 6:31 pm

It sounds like you really care and love your daughter. However, as kids become teenagers they start to form their identity. She has every right to keep something to herself if she wants to just like you keep some things from others for whatever reason. By pressuring her to share when she isn't ready too, it can show you may not have a respect for boundries. I would just say, I noticed you were upset the other week, if you want to talk about it I'm here for you. That's it. Pushing her will just push her away.

That being said, this is only if her behavior is otherwise functioning (I don't want to say normal because her behaviors can change as she is growing adult:)

Ifff she starts doing things that concern you further (skip school, failing school, with friends you don't like... Seems depressed,) then of course extra measures should be taken.

Teenagers are very moody... And one crying episode doesn't have mean there is a tragedy going on. Even if it is unlikr her in the past!

mommyX2

Thu, Jan 16 2020, 9:10 pm

I would ask if she's safe. and ask if she has information about someone else that leads her to believe that they are unsafe, going to hurt themselves or someone else. if yes, tell her absolutely not LH. Beyond that you can offer her to say without names and then you can ask a shaila if its LH to say the names in that situation.

amother

Thu, Jan 16 2020, 9:27 pm

OP here.
We went out for iced coffee after she finished studying tonight. Her friend went home so I had time to talk to her. She says the text to DH was because something hilarious happened at school that she was dying to tell her friend but it was L"H about another kid. She said she was dramatic because she was so excited to share the funny story and her friend was insisting she tell her and not ask DH. Now her friend is mad that she didn't tell her because DH said something like this doesn't qualify for a heter lol. We spoke about her crying spell and she said she doesn't know exactly why she was crying, it was more like a couple of things. She felt blah because for weeks she was busy with a school event and now that it was over and back to routine she said it hit her that midterms are coming up. She thinks she was just generally overwhelmed and it crashed down on her that night. If that's the case then I'm happy that's all it was, considering where my mind went...

trixx

Thu, Jan 16 2020, 9:34 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Thank her for her honesty, reassure her that you're there to hear everything even the not pretty things, and keep an eye on her.

Sounds like you're doing a good job.

amother

Amber

Fri, Jan 17 2020, 4:39 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

You should never "insist and bother her" till she tells you things because she'll stop telling you anything. She just needs to know that you're always ready to listen if she wants to talk and don't pester her to talk. She's getting older and may want to keep some things to herself.

Rappel

Fri, Jan 17 2020, 4:45 am

Yes, she can say something to get it off her chest/ask for advice, so long as the recipient of the news registers that they are heading only one side of the story, not necessarily the truth. Also, if she thinks that person is going to go on to harm another person, she may be obligated to speak out.

amother

Mustard

Fri, Jan 17 2020, 6:51 am

mommyX2 wrote:

On top of this, I would also tell her that if she has something she feels the need to share but is unsure of sharing it with me or DH, there are other options and that's fine.

I think it's unfair of parents to insist to their children that THEY must be the address (though of course that's ideal from a parenting perspective, it doesn't always work for the particular child, and that could leave them stuck with a burden that they need to unload.) I would tell them that there is always the option of either calling a Rav or speaking to a therapist, and that I would pay for the therapy session(s) if needed.

Chayalle

Fri, Jan 17 2020, 6:54 am

Rappel wrote:

I only agree with the last sentence here. I do not think a teen has a blanket heter to share personal information from someone else just to get it off their chest or ask for advice. A Rav should be asked in case it is affecting the teen.