How can I make a stop to this???

thunderstorm

Thu, Jan 16 2020, 1:26 pm

Sounds tough. I’m the first to admit that I’m not a perfect parent. But I do see that the more I work on my own personal issues from the past the more I don’t react to my children’s negative behavior. I used to take such comments to heart because it was reminding me of a time when I was young and people talked down to me and made me feel shame and made me feel small even when I tried my best. So when a kid of mine would criticize me or say something hurtful, all I could think about in the moment was how much he hurt me and what an awful parent I must be and I can’t take it anymore.
But that’s because I was only feeling my own insecurities. I now have learned that when my kid speaks or behaves that way, I need to validate my child’s feelings in addition to my own. I need to look deeper and maybe ask the child why he’s angry. I can tell the child that his comment stung. That his comment was disrespectful and he needs to apologize . But he did say it , so I want to know why he feels that way about me. I would then ask the child what he thinks I should do to make things better. He may just say “Don’t yell so much” . I will then tell my child I understand how my yelling could hurt him and that it wasn’t intentional and I will work harder on myself to be calmer etc.
It’s hard work. But the more I take care of ME and my own issues the easier it has become with my parenting because I don’t react the same way anymore .

amother

Brunette

Thu, Jan 16 2020, 1:32 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

First, Kudos to you for not losing your temper and for being Pro-Active:

Realizing there is a problem and thinking AHEAD of time how to deal with it.

a. You should punish him for chutzpah. I would do no special Mommy Time:
Games, Baking for a week. That is easier to enforce than an earlier bedtime which will just set up another confrontation.

b. After you have re-instated Mommy Time, teach him how to express frustration respectfully. "I am so upset/angry that these pants don't fit and I have to change".

c. As others said, don't give new clothing to try on in the morning.

Hatzlacha! You sound like a great mom.

Op, if you listen to this advice be prepared to lose your relationship with him. If you value your relationship, NEVER withhold affection as a punishment. Your relationship should not be dependent on his behavior.

If your relationship has been rocky until now you can't expect him to do a flip just because you have. I really think you need some guidance in real life.

amother

Seafoam

Thu, Jan 16 2020, 1:34 pm

amother [ Emerald ] wrote:

My first thought before I even read when he told you that he learned those nasty comments from you, that if a 10 yr old knows the word “tzidreita” he must’ve heard it at home.

What? Do you even know how boys work?
My 5 year old picks up the worst words and chants in cheder. I can promise you no one at home says "meshuga good/cold/funny/gross" yet that's how he started talking this year. I taught him to find nicer adjectives but I promise you, he did not pick this up from home.

amother

Thu, Jan 16 2020, 1:35 pm

amother [ Emerald ] wrote:

My first thought before I even read when he told you that he learned those nasty comments from you, that if a 10 yr old knows the word “tzidreita” he must’ve heard it at home.

It seems like this is the way you speak because he even told you so, so if you’re guilty of speaking the same way and he learned it from you, how can you blame him for copying you? You should explain that you made a mistake when you spoke that way and you’re working on yourself not to do it any more, and that he certainly must do the same, especially with a parent.

We reap what we sow.

Im confused. Where in the post did u see he takes it from me?? U mustve missread it or sorry if the way it was expressed wasnt clea... he answered back like he thinks its ok to talk like that. Not that he took it from me. Bh I dont label my kids , I can loose myself bh not with words . Unfortunately, they pick up from friends, neighbors, ... I would never use this to a kid. Chas veshulem!! I couldve potched sometimes or punnish... btw potching is still better then go verbally. When I say potching I dont mean harshly , I mean a small patch but that not either the best .

Anyway so u read wrongly the message obviously .

Thanks for all other nice replies thogh,

amother

Oak

Thu, Jan 16 2020, 1:41 pm

amother [ Brunette ] wrote:

Best Bubby made a point that setting an earlier bedtime would lead to another confrontation. I hear your point on not using loss of affection as a punishment.

Maybe confiscate a toy - like no video games for a week or no special snack - only something very plain like pretzels.

mommy201

Thu, Jan 16 2020, 1:54 pm

amother [ Brunette ] wrote:

Agree!

FranticFrummie

Thu, Jan 16 2020, 8:33 pm

Going out together, doing something that interests him, and then discussing it is a really good way to get past this problem. Next time he needs new pants, use that as an opportunity for some Mommy time and take him with you. Try to compromise somewhere between "this is what all my friends are wearing" and "I want you to look presentable to we're going to get these ones."

amother

Mustard

Fri, Jan 17 2020, 12:57 am

amother [ Emerald ] wrote:

What? Do you know that I was speaking fluently in an entire language in preschool, despite my mother not being well versed in it at all.
Do you know how many words and phrases my preschool kids know that I never, ever, ever hear inside my home until they bring it home. Not only words that I dislike; nuetral phrases as well.
OP, it seems like there is a lot going on, but you're moving in the right direction.
My DC improved behavior wise in a very dramatic and positive way while/after getting OT.
I didn't realize how many of her behavioral issues in other areas stemmed from her sensory issues until the sensory issues were treated, and so many other things calmed down as well.