So what actually works instead of hitting?

amother

Fuchsia

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 12:00 am

#BestBubby wrote:

Don't you agree that 1:1 time with mom is the biggest reward for child.

Why would you give it for bad behavior? that is Rewarding/Reinforcing bad behavior.

Children need to know the difference between love and approval. Withholding expression of love as a punishment conflates the two.

#BestBubby

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 12:05 am

amother [ Fuchsia ] wrote:

Children need to know the difference between love and approval. Withholding expression of love as a punishment conflates the two.

Discipline IS love.

Putting a child in time-out for bad behavior is good parenting. If you give your child
1:1 Mommy time for hitting, I guarantee you will INCREASE the frequency of hitting.

#BestBubby

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 12:15 am

amother [ Amber ] wrote:

I wonder how Shlome Hamelech would respond to OP's question.

Shlomo Hamelech believed in corporal punishment and mussar.

Most Rabbonim say one can't do CP in these times - kids will resent it and will destroy relationship.

Teomima

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 12:19 am

A: Realistic expectations. I don't assume I can cook with my little kids around. If I can, then it's a bonus. But it's not something I can count on.

B: Lots of positive attention. When kids that age start bugging you for attention, they need that attention. Take a few minutes to sit down, let them climb in your lap, and talk or sing or play together. More often then not, b ten minutes later they'll feel satiated and will wander off, leaving you to do your own thing.

C: Clear consequences. Starting from about 2 and a half, hitting earns you time out. One minute for every year. Sitting in the corner of the kitchen. Time out ALWAYS ends with a snuggle, a chat about the behaviors that landed them there, a reminder of how the consequences for that action will be the same in the future, and of course, a kiss, hug, and a "never forget, no matter what, Ima LOVES you!"

D: Back to realistic expectations, 2-4 year olds are notoriously misbehaved. 3 is the worse. Keep in mind they're not setting out to intentionally bother you. Instead, 2 year olds are only just learning that there are rules and limitations, and 3 year olds test those boundaries in order to learn consequences. One of your jobs is to teach that there are consequences to certain behaviors, but that this is separate from the child as a person, who is always worthy of your time, positive attention, and of course, love.

E: Someone else said to read How to Talk so Kids Will Listen, and I also highly recommend that book.

Laiya

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 12:23 am

#BestBubby wrote:

Shlomo Hamelech believed in corporal punishment and mussar.

Most Rabbonim say one can't do CP in these times - kids will resent it and will destroy relationship.

Also, according to halacha a parent cannot hit out of anger. Too often parents who hit, justify it by saying it's parenting when in reality, they're just angry.

Woodstock

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 6:00 am

amother [ Yellow ] wrote:

I have found that the nurtured heart approach had a dramatic effect on both me and my kids. Most of these issues don't even come up anymore since I've implemented it.

I'm very interested in implementing this but when I've tried I find it so unnatural for me and hard to find the right words all the time..did you have this at first? How long did it take till it became second nature so to speak?

Stars

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 7:03 am

Mommyg8 wrote:

When used as a threat.

I'm a pretty easygoing mother, and I don't have a lot of rules, but sometimes kids really act defiant, and "if you don't get into pajamas by the count of three I'm going to give you a potch" worked every time. I don't remember if I ever actually had to GIVE that potch. (I generally TRIED to say things like "if you get into pajamas really quickly I'll read you a story", but life isn't always perfect and sometimes they just have to LISTEN even without a reward).

I potched for chutzpah, and it worked because my kids are b'h not chutzpadik. (Maybe they wouldn't have been anyways, who knows?)

My kid once ran ahead of me into the street. After I told her that it's dangerous and she has to hold my hand. She was definitely old enough to know better. She got potched and I don't remember she did it again.

I have heard that you are allowed to potch for chutzpah and if a kid does something dangerous, and that's pretty much what I did.

So it's working for the moment, yay. Have you thought about what will happen when your kids grow up? How long will you keep threatening potches, 14? 16? 18? 20?

My kids also ran into the street ahead of me one time (age 5 and above. The potch for unsafe things is for 3 and under because they don't understand punishment yet). You know what I did? I told them strictly if they ever did it again they'd be grounded for a month. They never did it again. Because they know I will carry out my word.

amother

Floralwhite

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 7:20 am

Best bubby- I don’t put my kids in a room as punishment. I only put them there to remove them from other children who are in danger of being hurt. I only put them in a room to calm down. What better way to calm down than with mom there coregulating with them? When they are calm they come out. When they are calm I discipline. They don’t hit more. They don’t want to hit. These are little children who are still lmpulsive and need to learn. What better way to learn than through love.
Love from a kind parent who disciplines out of a caring regulated place. (No I do not consider myself a friend- yes a parent can be kind hearted and understanding)
My children love me- do yours?

ETA- this took a lot of hard inner work on my part.
ETA- I’m not saying this works. I have no clue what “works” but my moms way of disciplining didn’t work on me. And yes I tried it at first and it didn’t sit right with me

pause

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 8:32 am

amother [ Floralwhite ] wrote:

If you need to put your kid in time out so that he shouldn’t hurt or destroy you can go in with him so that he doesn’t feel abandoned

Excellent idea!
Depending on the situation and the infraction, I will sometimes do this: Follow the kid into his room and say something like, "I see something is bothering you. Do you wanna talk about it?"

amother

Floralwhite

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 8:34 am

pause wrote:

Many times in this state they are not up
To talk so I just there and hope that they can feel me “holding them” with my caring

pause

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 8:35 am

#BestBubby wrote:

It's defiance.

More often than not, when a kid refuses to put on PJ's, it's the kid wanting to play and the toy is more compelling than PJ's. That's not defiance, in my book. That's a kid who wants to play. I would gently hold onto the kid's hand and lead him away from the toy to his room. Or I would say, "Now is PJ time, but if you're ready before x time, you'll be able to play another few minutes."

Turning bedtime into a power struggle, by calling such behavior defiance, is a reaaaaaaaaaaally bad idea.

thunderstorm

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 8:39 am

pause wrote:

agree.

amother

Yellow

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 8:40 am

#BestBubby wrote:

Don't you agree that 1:1 time with mom is the biggest reward for child.

Why would you give it for bad behavior? that is Rewarding/Reinforcing bad behavior.

No, not every moment of 1:1 time is rewarding for a child. When the child is distressed, he is not perceiving it as rewarding. But often it's simply an emotional need. Rewarding 1:1 time is when the child is enjoying the time together. In th case of a child calming down from an outburst, he may need emotional support from a parent, but he is not enjoying the experience.

pause

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 8:40 am

amother [ Floralwhite ] wrote:

Many times in this state they are not up
To talk so I just there and hope that they can feel me “holding them” with my caring

Right. Some kids will blow me off. I don't take it personally. I'll reiterate, "When you are ready to behave calmly (I try to be specific such as "talk respectfully" or "play nicely"), you can can come out." and then I walk away and give them the time to actually sort themselves throught.

Zehava

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 9:02 am

pause wrote:

It turns into defiance when the mother labels it defiance. Anything that makes a mother freak out becomes the next defiant behavior.