"Shoemaker's children go barefoot"

amother

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 3:13 pm

amother [ Pearl ] wrote:

Not fair to blame therapists with family members who have anxiety issues or rebbeim who have kids otd or marriage counselor whose kid is divorced. We’re talking about people and circumstances that are usually beyond the control of the parents. Of course everyone has to do the best to raise their children, but being a therapist doesn’t mean you can avoid your own kids issues or necessarily help them.
An example of the shoemaker barefoot Wink

would be my shabbos seuda.
My husband is a singer but rarely sings at home saving his voice Wink

so people always say “wow, lucky you, what amazing zemiros you must have each week “ I just smile and move on.

The person I'm referring to isn't an official marriage counselor, just has the wisdom of one and has saved many marriages. Sadly, her married children are now struggling, in part to the chinuch they received from her.

amother

Oak

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 3:15 pm

amother [ Teal ] wrote:

Not always true. My husband is an electrician and is always taking care of our stuff when needed. He installs lights for us, replaces bulbs and puts in new fixtures if the old ones go bad. He is very busy and the work he does all day is hard but it would bother him way too much to have things not working properly at home.

How did you do that? My dh is an electrician as well but half the sockets in the house are wonky or even hanging out and I've tried for 2 whole years to get him to install an outdoor light at the back. I've even jokingly offered to pay him or to call a different electrician, but no. He has installed a row of fancy centralized Shabbes clocks though and a few extra light switches.

But I'm not much better. I'm a dedicated medical professional but when anyone at home gets injured, I just say, oh put a plaster on or wrap a tissue round it and it'll stop bleeding. On the plus side, my children are very tough and not whiny when it comes to injuries.

amother

Cobalt

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 3:20 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Not everyone is good at what they do. Maybe the shoemaker’s children are barefoot because their shoes fell apart like everyone else who bought his shoes.

amother

Vermilion

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 3:20 pm

amother [ Indigo ] wrote:

I find this true with my husband who’s in contracting.

No bad intentions. But when he comes home after a long day at work, he needs to unwind rather than getting right back into what he’s been doing all day.

My husband is a builder and knows all the trades. I can't get him to stop building. He's started the day after we got married. I am the biggest eishes chayil for putting up with the constant construction. Everything is fixed immediately. And he does build neatly, but enough already. We don't need more house.

gingertop

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 3:36 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I'm not sure what you're saying about this "marriage counselor". Is she good or is she a fraud? If she saved many marriages but not her own children's, there are so many options
1- the marriages she supposedly saved were either fine without her assistance or the entire saved marriages is mythological
2-she was able to help others but her own children's marriages were beyond saving
3-she was over-involved and did not have the professional distance that even an informal adviser should have

All options, as I see them, don't have anything to do with the shoemaker in the aphorism who is presumably a good shoemaker but busy with his work and unable to devote resources to a non-profit project and equally professionally unable to just outsource said project because he *is capable of doing the shoes* so why pay someone else.

gingertop

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 3:42 pm

amother [ Cobalt ] wrote:

Not everyone is good at what they do. Maybe the shoemaker’s children are barefoot because their shoes fell apart like everyone else who bought his shoes.

That's a cute reading Very Happy

(although I think the baked in premise is that the professional fails to use his skill for his own family not that family gets equal bad service)

amother

Slateblue

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 4:02 pm

TranquilityAndPeace wrote:

I’m a professional photographer and haven’t taken a photo of my daughter with my real camera in a year! (But I did commission someone who took gorgeous family photos of us in the spring.)

I kept wanting to take her to a park in the summer and fall, but it was always too hot and/or approaching her bedtime at sunset (ideal time for outdoor photos), so now I’m going to plan for this spring!

And maybe I should stop blaming the weather and sunset, and take her downstairs to my fully equipped studio, and just take some photos this week!!!

I'm a professional photographer too. My kids get their picture taken quite often but I can't get a full session of them like I would if I hired someone. I wish I could do a paid family session at a photographer I adore but unfortunately I can't afford it.

So halfways. I have more pictures of them than I would have if I wouldn't be a photographer and had to hire someone, but I never hire anyone anymore because "I can do it myself so why spend money".

About therapists and marriage counselors, I don't believe you can do therapy on your own family.

amother

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 4:19 pm

gingertop wrote:

#2 is probably the right answer although the question begs why they had issues in the first place as she has such strong opinions and hashkafos on shalom bayis etc.

amother

Cobalt

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 4:26 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

#2 is probably the right answer although the question begs why they had issues in the first place as she has such strong opinions and hashkafos on shalom bayis etc.

Who knows? Maybe there were major issues that were hidden. Maybe her children didn’t listen to her.

amother

Babyblue

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 5:23 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

As time passes on, I find this saying more and more true. I can think of so many situations where someone who is the epitome of everything they profess struggles so much in this specific area with their children.
ie. I know someone who has saved many couples' marriages and her own children are now struggling in marriage.
I know someone else who's a famous mechaneches who struggles with her own children's chinuch.

The list goes on...

I find that's it's bec I struggle in that area that I'm good at helping people in it.

I'm a special Ed teacher and deal with kids with behavioral problems. I've also helped alot of parents with their kids. Two of my children also have behavioral problems and I need to work really hard to get through each day with them.

I found that having my own kids with issues has helped me help other parents so much more - I can identify with them and I've spent hours researching, reading books and trying out different ways to help my own kids so I have so many ideas to help them not just at school but at home too.

glowing1

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 10:09 pm

Sometimes a very real and ongoing struggle in our personal life molds and impacts our professional lives. I think that’s true with me. I bh am very successful as a (licensed) behavior analyst with helping children with behavioral issues. My children are beautiful and yummy with extreme behaviors that I have to work hard daily to deal with. Some days are good days in my house, and some days really aren’t.
Now if you ask me... do my children go barefoot? I would say no. The tools and behavior techniques that I research and implement for my family and practice help them greatly.
Did my clients see phenomenal results precisely because my children have severe behavioral difficulties? 1000% because I really really get it.
But! In the public eye, my children are sometimes viewed as “wild, out of control” and probably lots of other terms, but I won’t waste my time imagining.
So no I don’t think the shoemaker’s kids go barefoot. But it could be that because the shoemaker’s kids had really hard feet to fit, or foot issues that needed special care, the shoemaker picked this trade to begin with, and got really skilled at making good shoes.

#BestBubby

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 10:11 pm

amother [ Aubergine ] wrote:

Im a sheitel macher and I have 2 wigs that are over 4 y.o and 6 y.o. totally not in style... I even have a company that offered me a free wig but I never took them up on it. No reason why....

As a sheitel macher you must have an up-to-date well styled wig. Otherwise, bad for business.

amother

Wine

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 10:17 pm

My husband is a bus driver for my kids' school yet I drive them there by car too many times when they miss the bus. Because of the complaints I hear from him about mothers keeping him waiting, I don't allow my kids to keep the bus waiting for even a second. Either they're ready and at the door, or the bus leaves without them, and I get the lucky honors.

amother

Sapphire

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 10:17 pm

Please remember that no one can control anyone but herself. So maybe someone gives an incredible shalom bayis workshop, but her husband is a very difficult person and her shalom bayis will suffer no matter how skilled she is and how much knowledge she has. Same for people who work with other types of challenging behavior in others. And it's even more difficult to effect change in your own family members, with whom you want to maintain certain relationships. A mother usually can't be her own child's therapist. But even if she could, her child will make choices every day that she can't control even with the best therapeutic techniques.

glowing1

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 10:17 pm

amother [ Babyblue ] wrote:

Babyblue, I posted before reading your post. Yes, I agree and basically just echoed what you said! Sorry about that!

amother

Blonde

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 10:26 pm

I'm a nurse and I'm totally guilty of this.

I think it's because we take a lot of minor illnesses and aches and pains less seriously.

But kids just want mommy to kiss their booboo and make them chicken soup, not necessarily rush them to the ER for every cold.

amother

Apricot

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 10:26 pm

My FIL is a dentist. When DH was living at home he had a cavity that got so bad it caused his tooth to crack in half. BH other than that he has pretty good teeth.

I have some siblings in law who love to go to FILs office, and some who haven't gone in years. The office isn't close to ILs house, and even family needs to make appointments to make sure that a hygienist is available (although when I needed a cavity filled FIL squeezed me in as I don't live in the same city and wasn't planning on coming back for a long while).

amother

Blonde

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 10:30 pm

amother [ Sapphire ] wrote:

I heard a story about a very well known mqrriage counselor/therapist who had a difficult husband and not the greatest shalom bayis. One time he was berating her and saying, "so you teach everyone else about shalom bayis but your house looks like this..." She told him, so who else should lecture about shalom bayis? The one who doesn't know what it means to struggle?