Long rant: MIL bringing BF to stay

amother

Violet

Tue, Jan 21 2020, 2:32 pm

We recently had my brother for a couple of visits with a girlfriend. He wasn't happy that we would not house them in our house. It was non-negotiable.

They stayed in a motel a few blocks away, and we got a neighbor's guest room for her for Shabbos.

princessleah

Tue, Jan 21 2020, 4:58 pm

Is there a kimpeturim heim near you???

amother

Olive

Tue, Jan 21 2020, 7:34 pm

now thats a GREAT idea PL

I would tell DH that you are concerned about PPD and book a stay for you and baby. Maybe you had even been thinking of it before all this happened. The kids DH and whoever you want will all be welcome to visit you there. not in a passive aggressive way or bluff...for real in a kind thoughtful and sincere way-- as I am sure you know you really do have a responsibility to yourself, new baby, and your family to take care of yourself as much as possible. Honestly, when you mentioned PPD I really felt serious concern but backed off because only you can decide what to do obviously.

makes so much sense -- please give this the utmost serious consideration -- turn this negative into a positive and you can be better off all around than before. Please be proactive in a way that works for you.

BetsyTacy

Tue, Jan 21 2020, 7:38 pm

A kimp home sounds nice, but if the mil and bf come anyway, who will be supervising that she won't be returning to a treif kitchen?

amother

Olive

Tue, Jan 21 2020, 8:06 pm

yes its a real problem and totally agree with you; however, how would Op be policing that even if she were there? exhausted with a newborn and sleeping at odd hours and the like I don't think she can be a mashgiach -- not to mention the time one is in the hospital to begin with.

chestnut

Tue, Jan 21 2020, 8:24 pm

amother [ Pearl ] wrote:

White lies are lies and sins. Not ok to teach kids. And no she should not allow them to see her mom living with a man without marriage,

white lies are fine. When a mom doesn't want to take her little kids to the park on a certain day and tells them the park is closed, it's not the end of the world. Her kids won't grow up messed up, not trusting her, or OTD because of it.
Assuming the kids are little, they absolutely don't need to know mother in law and her BF aren't married.
Gosh, try coming up with more terrible sins than white lies.

amother

Lilac

Tue, Jan 21 2020, 9:58 pm

Is there any chance you could discuss the issue directly with your MIL? You say they're Israeli, so you'd need to be very direct and explicit, we Israelis frequently don't get hints or inferences or passive aggressive.

I would say something like MIL, listen, after I give birth, I need to be able to walk around the house in all states of undress. Topless, bottomless, I need to be able to run and wipe a crying toddler's nose while I'm shirtless with a newborn attached to my breast. I'll need to waddle to the freezer in bloody underwear to get frozen pads. I CANNOT DO THIS with people in my house. I find postpartum recovery very difficult, and I need privacy. Please understand that this is not about you. Your son is not a woman and he doesn't understand what the problem is, but I hope that you can. We'll help you get an AirBnB as close as possible to us so you can pop in whenever you want, but I need my house to myself.

I made this extreme so it's not just - I want to walk around with my hair uncovered. You say they aren't religious so they won't understand or respect that (I mean, clearly they don't). Also, people don't generally understand how hard it is to share a space for an extended period of time, postpartum or not. Does she host people in her house long term? Many Israelis do, because having your mom move in with you after birth is a thing... but many don't, because Israel is small, and people usually live within driving distance from family, so there's no need to stay for a month. A one night sleepover max if you're having a late holiday meal and don't want to drive back that night.
You just don't get how tiring long term hosting is until you do it. It's soooo tiring. I had my MIL with us after birth for 3 weeks. She's amazing and super helpful, and I'm so glad and thankful she came... and it was hard! And draining! I can't imagine doing that with people that you don't actually want in your house!
In any case, having your MIL move in with you is NOT a normal thing. You're the one who's giving birth, and you can absolutely tell her that you're not comfortable with it. For all you know, your husband hasn't given them ANY sort of pushback beyond a measly "oh, are you sure?". Does your MIL have any idea that you aren't on board with this?

As an Israeli, I say be an Israeli and talk to her. No apologetics, just facts. We love you. We found a great rental just down the block. You can't live with us for a month postpartum. Fin.

Raisin

Wed, Jan 22 2020, 6:30 am

Re the kitchen, can you lock up all the milk dishes and pans and only have paperware out for cereal and coffee and sandwiches?

Ruchel

Wed, Jan 22 2020, 6:47 am

lock up what can be rekoshered... use disposable.... when my dad zal had his helps my mom did it until they learned