DD obsessed with xmas

sunflower416

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 11:28 pm

First of all huge thanks to this group for the sensitive feedback & many practical suggestions that I will definitely use. More excitement around the chaggim (good call on decorating for sukkos which she loved this year), more active censorship of unhelpful media, not reading too much into a 4 year old but also lovingly re-directing her attention, etc. I have already been pointing out to her, as someone on here suggested, that we get to have shabbos every single week (she LOVES shabbos). Also to Malki and others who were a bit more blunt, really I don’t mind at all - I didn’t take offence. I hear where you’re coming from; it’s true that we are striking a balance between yiddishkeyt and the larger world and not always necessarily getting it perfect. That’s kind of baked into being MO (I think). For the record, yes we are raising her in a proud, happy, kosher and SS home and sending her and her siblings to Jewish day school.

As for the intermarried couple and their kid who is DD’s buddy, hoo boy is that trickier. First of all for personal reasons we are not about to break ties with this family, so that’s off the table. Let’s face it, this is something we will need to keep grappling with anyway, as the reality of intermarriage and assimilation is all around us. It breaks my heart to watch our beautiful traditions and observances cheapened to window dressing (literally), stripped of their true and deeper meaning. Hopefully as DD learns more and gains an understanding of our history she and I can talk about that too.

sunflower416

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 11:36 pm

amother [ Pink ] wrote:

This statement bothers me. There is no such thing as a half Jew. Either her mother or father is Jewish and that determines her Jewishness
I personally know families that were in tremendously difficult situations because someone believed they were Jewish and only years later discovered they weren’t. It puts many people at a disservice to mischaracterize religion.

You’re right; sorry I was imprecise. In this case the friend *is* Jewish, as Judaism in the family is on the mother’s side. But the family includes a side that is not, and so this family, like so many others, is raising their kid to “be” a palatable, easy version of both. How best to represent that situation in a brief post, who knows.

sunflower416

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 11:42 pm

amother [ Orchid ] wrote:

I think it's a good opportunity to take a step back and reassess what things u want ur dd exposed to as she grows up. She's clearly a smart, impressionable child who is curious about things around her. I don't think ur chinuch is necessarily lacking in love for yiddishkeit as some posters assume. I think the issue is rather that she has an over-exposure to ppl and practices that are not part of a Jewish lifestyle. You should be clearer and more confident when saying "we don't do this" and careful about exposing her to jewish media and filtering the non-Jewish ones. This doesn't have to be with any drama, but rather like urban gypsy and others describe. And while we should be respectful to e/o around us, overdoing the "respect and tolerance" for those who don't live with our values can backfire.

Thank you and yes! This is perceptive and will try and follow your (and others’ similar) advice.

shabbatiscoming

Tue, Jan 21 2020, 5:43 am

hesha wrote:

I hope this isn't going to be taken as unsensitive, as I mean it with sensitivity only. But I think this is a big piece of the puzzle. We can't expose our kids to the glamour and bells of the secular world while expecting them not to be enticed by it or want it in their own lives. They're only human. Personally, I refrain from taking my kids to the mall from late Nov till after xmas, because its full of xmas stuff. The library too. If I were you, I would not encourage a relationship with a little girl who celebrates xmas. I'm sure she's a lovely little girl, but she might not be the right friend for your daughter. Its ok to stick to the values that you want to inculcate your child with. It does not make you close minded person, it makes you realistic in terms of which influences our children can handle. You sort of want to have your cake and eat it. You don't want to go through the inconveniences of filtering through what your children are exposed to, but you expect them to be wholly dedicate to only one way. Children don't really work that way. It's ok to verbally express that certain behaviors, practices, lifestyles, are not in sync with Torah and that its not our way. Better yet, don't expose young children to them in the first place. Later on in life, when their foundations are strong and they have a strong sense of who they are, you can expose them more. There is a teaching on Tu Bshvat that I love: Man is compared to a tree in many ways. One of them is that when a seedling is first planted, if the seed is scratched, the entire plant will be affected and not grow well, vs. an adult tree, if one branch is scratched it does not affect the entire tree. So too with children and education. If their Jewish education as young children is held sacred, the tree grows straight and proud, knowing who it is and what it stands for. In adulthood if it is exposed to other ideas, it may make a scratch but does not affect the base of the tree.

I think this post is dripping in fear mongering.
Just because a 4 year old wants x-mas does NOT mean she wants to be a christian.
She is 4 for goodness sake. Its ok to like bright lights and a jolly fat man in a red suit. Really. Its ok.
I think some of what you wrote is a bit over the top. To not take your kids to the mall for 3 months so that they dont see any x-mas decorations? They do live out of israel, no? Its bound to happen, not even in the mall.
And also, just because a young kid (or even an older kid) likes what x-mas sounds like, that does not mean that their jewish education is not held sacred.
It truly does not have to be all or nothing. There is so much gray in judaism.

amother

Sienna

Tue, Jan 21 2020, 7:25 am

I agree you don't need to avoid the mall in December. Or worry about seeing holiday displays etc.
But if OP's daughter's best friend celebrates xmas, she is going to need to come up with a way to realistically figure out a way for her daughter not to be influenced by the glitz and glitter. It is not as simple as some posters are making it sound. This is her best friend, not a neighbor she plays with on occasion or a relative she sees a couple times a year.
You can't have your cake and eat it too. Meaning, you can't expect her best friend to be talking and sharing excitedly and for her not to be influenced.

amother

Ruby

Tue, Jan 21 2020, 9:39 pm

The part about your dr being obsessed with a non jewish holiday is something I've heard before. Presents and candy are very enticing to a 4 yr old. The rest of the post sounds like you encourage her to hang around people who dont share your values and that's the part that is confusing. Because you are upset about the obsession but still allow her to be exposed to these concepts/people on a regular basis. That can be confusing for her. Sounds like like you may want to sit down and do some hard thinking about your values and what values you want to instill in your children. Then you can decide what boundaries to erect for your family. Also, some people gave great ideas of how to make your children feel positively connected to Judaism. Maybe buy some jewish childrens cds about mitzvos and midos for her. It's good to have these concepts on her mind in a child friendly way throughout the day. Like uncle moishy, or the marvelous middos machine. Good luck, you sound like a great mother

amother

Navy

Tue, Jan 21 2020, 10:53 pm

Just to make you feel better., I'm super chasidish and my 6 yr old was obsessed with xmas for a while as well, because he was very into Ryan's Family Review channel on youtube. He was always talking about "Krissmess" - chasidishe accent -- and we explained to him over and over that he shouldnt even say that word. It was concerning and frustrating bc we live in a very sheltered community and that last thing I wanted him to do was go to yeshiva and talk about Krissmess and youtube. But he was so addicted to it and its the only way I can keep him occupied in the winter without him driving me up a wall; he can't keep going to the same neighbor to play and he has no siblings anywhere around his age so he was always watching youtube after yeshiva.
We finally told him to call it Kratzmech, which is the yiddish version of saying it, and became a running joke whenever he wants to be scratched on his back, he'd turn around and say Happy Kratzmech!
HaShem helped, bc I was at my wits end, that on Chanukah his rebbe gave a long speech about holy eyes and how looking at the chanukah candles keeps eyes holy, and yiddishe kinder don't look at things that are not holy. Immediately and instantly he stopped wanting to watch youtube. Occasionally we'll sit together and checkout whatsapp or TikTok - with me sitting there so I can swipe past anything objectionable -- and his obession with Ryan and Youtube went away, as did the obession with Xmas.
Hopefully, OP, the obsession will soon go away as no one is talking abou tXmas anymore, and you have 10 months to figure out a solution for next year....

((HUGS))

Mama Bear

Tue, Jan 21 2020, 11:04 pm

on a completely different note, there's a big (non-jewish) podcaster I listen to on a regular basis, and on one of his weekly podcasts he has a jewish (frum) co-host. He complains every year how jealous he is of us for having Chanukah vs. Xmas. you dont have to buy presents for every person in your life -- he struggles all the time to buy his wife a gift -- and you get to open one gift a night, instaed of 50 gifts at 5 am on Dec 25, and by 6 am everyone is crying, there's a mess of wrapping paper, the kids are super cranky and overtired, the da is long, and they are tired of their toys.... lol...
I commented on his podcast that he won't envy the Jewish people in September, when we have a month full of somber days and holidays and we eat 2 big meat meals a day 3 times a week!