Family has a say in baby names?

amother

Hotpink

Wed, Feb 05 2020, 10:03 pm

I had a horrible experience.

My mil mother was nifter this year. She lived overseas. My mil had an on/off relationship with her mom. For years they didn't talk. At end they made up.

She never asked for the name just assumed that were giving the name.
My fil was upset by my last 2 children why we didn't give after his parents.
Anyway we had a very special relationship with his mom who was nifter many years ago & has quite some girls named after her. We wanted to name after her & we did.
We had our reasons why we didn't want to name after this gmom that recently passed on.
Anyway, my mil came to kiddush expecting to hear her mom's name. When she heard it's not, made an about face & didn't even tell my husband mazel tov.

She was so hurt that she didn't come visit me or baby at all for weeks on end.

Then we had a family get together my dh & myself brought baby to her, so she can see her but she didn't want to look at her.

I was so hurt that she is abandoning my baby. Then one day I decided I cannot eat myself up because of this. I was thinking to take her out for lunch & reconcile. I'll tell her that we should both put our hurts aside, and do it for aliyas neshama & for a zchus for yeshuos for both of us. Lmaase it didn't work out because of scheduling, but what did happen was that as soon as I let go of the hurt, she did too, without me telling her or talking at all to her. She just got empowered, when I wasn't anymore holding on to that negative connection.

slowly we got to connect again.

first time she officially saw my baby was at 3 months when I invited myself over to her.

As soon as I decided to make shalom and asked Hashem to send me shidduch for my child, in this zchus, the phone started ringing again. We got bombarded after a long standstill.

amother

Red

Thu, Feb 06 2020, 3:19 am

#BestBubby wrote:

If the parents are supporting the couple, I think it is Hakoras Hatov to ask for name suggestions.

This sounds nice in theory, but in many cases it results in expectations from the parents, and hurt feelings if they don't abide. And it's not as if the young couple doesn't know what the names are...
By my recent baby, both of my parents "suggested" that I name my son after their father, without my having asked them. They both felt that it would be appropriate for the baby to be named for their own father. Did they really think I couldn't have figured out on my own that both of my grandfathers names were an option???
In the end, for various reasons, we did not name for either of my grandfathers and it resulted in both of my parents feeling hurt. Although they are BH not the type to bear a grudge, I would have much preferred if neither of my parents would have made a suggestion, because it made me feel bad about hurting them, even as I knew I was doing the right thing. I went to the bris with pain in my heart knowing that they w both feel slapped in the face, but there was nothing I could or should have done differently. (And no, dh doesn't hold of just adding a second name.)
With one of my older kids, I still feel resentment for having been "forced" by my father at the last minute to add a second name. We were young and didn't have the backbone to respectfully tell my father that we already chose a name.
My parents are wonderful and we have a great relationship. The fact that they have these expectations, is largely cultural. Like they really believe it is the grandparents "right" to name the child. I believe this is the case for many families, which unfortunately leads to so much hurt and resentment. .
It's been said numerous times before, but grandparents should NEVER interfere in the decision of what to name a child. There shouldn't be any expectation, spoken or otherwise. Imho, IF the couple asks their parents for a suggestion, they should preferably abstain, or if pressed, give them a few options, while making it VERY clear that they have NO obligation whatsoever to choose any of those.
I wish rabbanim would speak out against this practice. It is so destructive to families, especially at a time when there should be such joy, it gets marred by conflict and hurt feelings.

amother

Seashell

Thu, Feb 06 2020, 3:29 am

Just don't talk about it.
Personally I ask my grandmother (I would never ask my mother, and my grandmother is the matriarch of the family, so my mother can't complain that I picked her instead) if she has any names that are important that haven't been given. I don't have to, I want to, and I respect her enough to do that. She appreciates it, it means a lot to her.
But it is your choice. If you don't want to give a name, don't give it. Don't give your baby a name that you can't stand, or a name that reminds you of a person you can't stand.
And don't talk about names, baby's gender, or anything. "You'll find out" and that's it. "We're not discussing this right now, sorry. You'll find out when we give the name."

Last edited by amother on Thu, Feb 06 2020, 3:32 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Red

Thu, Feb 06 2020, 3:31 am

amother [ Cerulean ] wrote:

I am so curious- Everyone here seems to have either experienced or know someone who experienced this pressure of having the grandparents try to interfere in naming a child. Which means there are lots and lots of grandmothers out there, in the real world or possibly on this forum.
Yet every single person on this thread is the "child" the young parents who are all protesting this.
Is there anyone reading this forum that is the grandparent- the one who is trying to choose a name for their grandkid?
Id love to hear your opinion.Id love to hear your take on the matter, your cheshban, your reasoning, the way and the why of how you justify wanting to choose your grandchilds name.

Its cultural. The grandparents of today are children of holocaust survivors. They ALL felt obligated to name their kids after the departed grandparents they never met. There was no such thing as giving a name you "liked". So now that its their chikdren giving birth, they feel it is important to pass on thos "mesora". Obviously, I'm referring to a specific demographic of people that I believe are the ones who have this expectation.
Also, by sephardim I believe it's a very big thing that the children mush be named for the living grandparents. Also cultural.

amother

Red

Thu, Feb 06 2020, 3:52 am

amother [ Jade ] wrote:

I agree that it should not be the cause of strife and hurt. I also understand that there are situations where a name is not wanted. But on the whole there seems to be a disconnect from the younger generation today. Sometimes the reason is simply “because I want and that’s it”. I very willingly gave a name after a great aunt that I loved. My mother asked if I would, my dh said sure why should I davka go looking for something else? Fyi I am a young very early fifties ( just in case you thought I belong to the really old bubbies)grandmother.
And I still think people don’t understand the meaning of the word narcissistic and are misusing it.

YOU are missing the point. I AM NOT having a child in order to give someone a name!! That is backwards. The name of the child is their essence! The name שם is the root for נשמה. To just give a name just because "why not? Ok lets be nice. Why should I davka go look for another name" is so missing the point. If the lady was a tzadeikes and you want the child to have a soul connection with her, ok. You loved this great aunt so it made sense to you. But you make it sound like giving a name is so trivial to you, its not worth fighting about, so why not make mom happy?? You are saddling your child with this name forever. No one should be expected to give a name of someone from a previous generation just to keep them younger generation "connected. "
It's more important to think about your child than the previous generation. Of course, if the relative was a person of fine middos or tzaddik, it would be a great thing for your child. But many times that's not the case.

I heard from Rabbi Moshe Weinberger, in the name of the Chazon Ish, that if you name your child after a deceased relative, you are doing that relative a favor. But if you name after a tzaddik or tzadeikes or someone from the parsha, you are doing your CHILD a favor, and that is much more preferable (unless you have no choice or the relative doesn't have a name yet...).