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Dreading my simcha
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amother
Brunette


 

Post Sat, Feb 08 2020, 1:05 pm
I wore a dress that I got from goodwill to my last simcha. I loved telling anyone who commented on my dress that it was 15 dollars from goodwill. It was a cool litmus test to see how people responded. The people who were impressed are my kind of people. Anyone who looked appalled or grossed out really just let me know how different we are in our value systems.
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DVOM




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Feb 08 2020, 8:04 pm
Op, I can so relate!

My oldest son's bar mitzvah is coming up (ok, it's in 18 months 😉) and I really wonder what sort of shindig my husband and I are going to be able to pull together. My sister is making her first bar mitzvah in about 4 months and I've been listening with a sinking feeling in my stomach as she books a team of musicians, a crew to install blue and purple lights in the hall of her choice, a motivator. There's no way we're going to be able to afford that, and even if we somehow strike it rich, I can think of ten other places to spend our money than for a 13-year-olds birthday party. I want a little Kiddush in our dining room after davening. To include out of town relatives and to avoid having to put anyone up for a weekend I'd love to make a brunch or a BBQ in our backyard, maybe book a great big game of paintball at a nearby venue for all the family and friends to run wild with after they're full of buffalo wings or pancakes. Why do these parties need to be so identical and stuffy and serious and expensive?

OP, if you like the top you chose, run with it. If you appreciate simplicity, make it simple. Smile at your sisters in law and deflect conversation about your clothing with some carefully prepared anecdotes about the bar mitzvah boy: "remember the time that shmuly...can you believe he's a bar mitzvah already?!"

Editing to add:

Just for fun, I just looked it up. A really cool looking paintball place in Jackson advertised a group rate of 22$ per person for a 3-hour paintball session (They called this their 'bachelor party package.' Hopefully it's adaptable!). That is less than dear sis is paying for catering. I am totally doing this!!! Might be doing it in a gown though. With tulle. And sequins. Getting to wear a totally over the top gown (when you are not even the birthday girl!) is the only part of a typical bar mitzvah that actually appeals to me.

Editing again to add:

Groupon has paintball tickets for 4-10 dollars!!! Holy cow! It looks like the paintball bar mitzvah might actually really happen!


Last edited by DVOM on Sun, Feb 09 2020, 1:20 am; edited 1 time in total
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amother
Maroon


 

Post Sat, Feb 08 2020, 11:12 pm
amother [ Brunette ] wrote:
I wore a dress that I got from goodwill to my last simcha. I loved telling anyone who commented on my dress that it was 15 dollars from goodwill. It was a cool litmus test to see how people responded. The people who were impressed are my kind of people. Anyone who looked appalled or grossed out really just let me know how different we are in our value systems.


I got mine at a thrift shop as well
Spent $30, I think, can’t remember
It was 2 piece gown
Lace tunic top with pleated satin long skirt
This was 20 yrs ago and very in
You can get very nice things at thrift shops

We made the Bar mitzvah as simple as we could with the money saved took the family to Israel and my son was able to donate a few pairs of tefillin to needy bar mitzvah boys
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amother
Gray


 

Post Sat, Feb 08 2020, 11:27 pm
amother [ Maroon ] wrote:
I got mine at a thrift shop as well
Spent $30, I think, can’t remember
It was 2 piece gown
Lace tunic top with pleated satin long skirt
This was 20 yrs ago and very in
You can get very nice things at thrift shops


It’s fine to buy from 2nd hand shops, but for your own self respect, you don’t have to go around telling people.
My sister in law always gets things 2nd hand (or from gemachs) and if people ask her where she bought something she just answers “someone gave it to me “.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sat, Feb 08 2020, 11:44 pm
amother [ Brunette ] wrote:
I wore a dress that I got from goodwill to my last simcha. I loved telling anyone who commented on my dress that it was 15 dollars from goodwill. It was a cool litmus test to see how people responded. The people who were impressed are my kind of people. Anyone who looked appalled or grossed out really just let me know how different we are in our value systems.


I dont mind telling them..I just wont tell them right away. Let them sit around and analyze, without me feeling belittled by their opinions. Even if I am confident, they will snicker. (They both did very lavish bar mitzvas. One of them, I asked if I could borrow the dress she wore by her bm, for my sis wedding. She said ok for $2,500 to rent. She claims it was custom made for $4000. [And her dh is not rich].
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amother
Denim


 

Post Sun, Feb 09 2020, 12:23 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I dont mind telling them..I just wont tell them right away. Let them sit around and analyze, without me feeling belittled by their opinions. Even if I am confident, they will snicker. (They both did very lavish bar mitzvas. One of them, I asked if I could borrow the dress she wore by her bm, for my sis wedding. She said ok for $2,500 to rent. She claims it was custom made for $4000. [And her dh is not rich].


I'm sorry. It's really hard. It's one of those things you think you'll grow out of by adulthood, that you won't be bothered by what other people think since you know that you're doing great. But it still stings and still makes a difference. That's why peer pressure still exists between adults, it's not a kid's issue. We don't grow out of it even though we feel like we should have. It's amazing that despite knowing the comments you'll get and how uncomfortable it will be, you're doing it your way anyway.
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amother
Brunette


 

Post Sun, Feb 09 2020, 12:39 am
amother [ Gray ] wrote:
It’s fine to buy from 2nd hand shops, but for your own self respect, you don’t have to go around telling people.
My sister in law always gets things 2nd hand (or from gemachs) and if people ask her where she bought something she just answers “someone gave it to me “.


LOL - for my own self respect???
When did the world turn upside down? I should be ASHAMED that I found a great bargain and didn't burden my family with extra expenses? And the woman who spent $4,000 on a custom gown and wants to charge her sister in law to rent it, should be proud???? What a strange confused world we live in.
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agreer




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Feb 09 2020, 1:42 am
amother [ Maroon ] wrote:
I got mine at a thrift shop as well
Spent $30, I think, can’t remember
It was 2 piece gown
Lace tunic top with pleated satin long skirt
This was 20 yrs ago and very in
You can get very nice things at thrift shops

We made the Bar mitzvah as simple as we could with the money saved took the family to Israel and my son was able to donate a few pairs of tefillin to needy bar mitzvah boys


WOW! You have your priorities straight and you have imparted them to your son! Kol hakavod. That is beautiful.
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amother
Violet


 

Post Sun, Feb 09 2020, 6:09 am
I love this post! I too have to make my first bar mitzva and am totally dreading it. I feel that people are expecting us to make something really special and I don’t see the point. I hate being in the limelight, don’t see the reason to throw away so much money, and I find bm pretty boring affair.
I’m still looking for ideas how to make it special yet simple and homey and unique. All ideas are welcome.
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amother
Pink


 

Post Sun, Feb 09 2020, 6:33 am
amother [ Violet ] wrote:
I love this post! I too have to make my first bar mitzva and am totally dreading it. I feel that people are expecting us to make something really special and I don’t see the point. I hate being in the limelight, don’t see the reason to throw away so much money, and I find bm pretty boring affair.
I’m still looking for ideas how to make it special yet simple and homey and unique. All ideas are welcome.


I loved my sons’ bar mitzvas. Maybe you need to rethink this a little. Please don’t let your son get the idea you think of his bar mitzvah as boring. Think of it as his simcha, his time to shine. I know it’s cliche to say - this isn’t about you, but - it’s not about you.
If you find yourself bored at bar mitzvas you attend maybe you’re not focusing on the chance to be happy with your friends or maybe something about being at that kind of affair just isn’t your thing. That’s okay. When it’s your own child try to make it a happy time for him, and a time for yourself to be grateful you had this adorable little baby who grew up.
If youre lucky to have friends and family who will bother to show up and share the joy, welcome them and let them help make the day special for the guest of honor.
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amother
Cobalt


 

Post Sun, Feb 09 2020, 6:55 am
I've also made simple bar mitzvahs. They were beautiful and people commented to me for weeks after about how much fun they were. I invite only family which is large enough (100 people or so) but small enough to fit into a smaller hall. I think up a color scheme and centerpieces which make the room look elegant and spacious. We buy food from a good caterer and do buffet style- no waiters and we spend the day setting up the tables. My kids help shlep, organize, set up, etc., and it was actually a lot of fun all working together! We prerecord music and don't use a photographer because we don't want other people in the way. Our focus is on the bar mitzva boy.
My dress this past time was $50 on sale at macys online and I got so many compliments. I wasn't going to get a new dress but I decided I wanted to feel extra confident (I have social anxiety) and I just happened to find this dress.

But my family is simple and accepting. If I had two stuckinthemud sistersinlaw, I also would have been nervous. Just ignore them. The bar mitzva boy deserves whatever energy they drain from you.
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