Do I MUST tell DH about a bonus?

chanchy123

Mon, Feb 17 2020, 1:51 pm

amother [ Coral ] wrote:

Why should she ASK him? It's her money. She can tell him about it and say for example 'I'd like to put 1,500 in savings and keep the rest for myself, just to have my own money for extras' or keep half and save half. I would definitely tell him about though. I just don't think you need to ask him permission when you've earnt this money.

But it's not "her" money. It's their money.

amother

Violet

Mon, Feb 17 2020, 2:14 pm

amother [ Crimson ] wrote:

So be honest. Talk about it and say you’d like to have a discretionary fund. Always even without a bonus. I don’t think you have to ask. But for sure discuss it.
The poster I quoted said it’s her money to do with as she pleases because she earned it. If that’s the case everyone’s money should be treated in this manner. Do what you please.
I’m finding that attitude on imamother a lot. A DH works to support her family. A wife works for savings and her own money.

Not just on imamother, also in real life.

What she earns, is her money, not their money and certainly not his money.
What he earns, is their money, not his money, but sometimes her money.

It's really irritating, honestly.

If he would make an account separate from the joint account and keep it secret, we'd be telling her to divorce him. But if she does it, that's okay, and if she hasn't done it yet, we tell her she should.

What double standards.

What she earns, and what he earns, is THEIR money. And if it's not, they need marriage counseling, ASAP.

amother

Coral

Mon, Feb 17 2020, 2:36 pm

chanchy123 wrote:

But it's not "her" money. It's their money.

I agree but if he was a mentch then he'd 'let' her do as she wants with it, within reason. OP sounds sensible enough not to actually go and blow the lot.

amother

Coral

Mon, Feb 17 2020, 2:40 pm

amother [ Violet ] wrote:

Everyone on here has told op to tell her dh and discuss together how it should be spent. No one said that she should go behind his back. But the general way is for DH to be the breadwinner and the wives income is often (not always) for savings or extras that they'd otherwise not be able to afford.

amother

Ginger

Mon, Feb 17 2020, 3:09 pm

amother [ Violet ] wrote:

I think this way of splitting the money (his money is for the house, her money is for her only) works if the wife is expected to be the sole homemaker.
I mean if she's doing almost everything at home, and working on top of it, then I can see how some couples might think it's fair that her money goes to her.

Also, some old fashioned men might feel pride in not needing their wife's income to support the household, and are happy for her to do with her money as she pleases.

I don't know anyone in real life who does it this way though. Most couples I know, both spouses work and both spouses share house duties.

chanchy123

Mon, Feb 17 2020, 3:27 pm

amother [ Coral ] wrote:

This is not the way anyone I know lives.
In my world, whatever both partners make goes into the same pot. It is allocated according to each family's needs and wants. Tuition, rent, clothing, ice cream vacations, etc.
This is regardless how many hours or how much money each partner makes.
This mentality is completely foreign to me.

amother

Jetblack

Mon, Feb 17 2020, 3:40 pm

JG845 wrote:

It is a Halachik question

Dh is in school and im the sole breadwinner. I once bought the kids pjs in a Jewish store to have for shabbos. When dh heard how much the pjs cost he was horrified. He told me that I cant spend so much money on pjs. I asked a shaila so I can know for the future what the halacha was. I was told as long as we are covering our monthly expenses and its not putting us in debt then its ok to spend what I earned how I like..

amother

Coral

Mon, Feb 17 2020, 4:43 pm

chanchy123 wrote:

Everyone does it differently. Dh and I are bh on the same page when it comes to how we spend my money. We both want to make an extension on our house one day soon iyH so half of my income mostly goes to saving for that big project and the rest goes towards regular expenses, mainly food and cleaning help. The rest comes from dh income (tuition, mortgage, bills etc) My dh bought himself an expensive car. We kind of did need the 2nd car but he didn't need to spend such a large amount. He's still paying it off slowly per month and I'm definitely feeling the impact. Doesn't sound fair but that's life. He's also doing 'as he pleases'with his money so I don't feel so bad when I splurge on something that I want sometimes (and don't need)

amother

Charcoal

Mon, Feb 17 2020, 5:02 pm

amother [ Coral ] wrote:

Doesn't sound like you are on the same page.

Last edited by amother on Wed, Sep 21 2022, 6:03 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Lavender

Mon, Feb 17 2020, 9:55 pm

JG845 wrote:

It is a Halachik question

Finally someone said this! There’s something like the money a wife brought into a marriage she keeps. Any money she earns while married is his. Someone who is a better scholar than I am could give the exact source.

amother

Chocolate

Mon, Feb 17 2020, 10:50 pm

amother [ Lavender ] wrote:

Isn’t that any pre-nup?
I asked my husband about a case like this and he said a woman is allowed to decide that she wants to support herself and she can keep any money she earns. I don’t know if that then absolves him of his financial responsibilities towards her or any more details.

amother

Burlywood

Mon, Feb 17 2020, 11:22 pm

amother [ Jetblack ] wrote:

I dont understand the shaila. To spend 45- on pajamas per kid when your dh is against it doesnt seem like a halachic shaila but a common sense one.

Common sense is get on the same page or forgo with this "luxury."

amother

Teal

Tue, Feb 18 2020, 1:04 am

amother [ Chocolate ] wrote:

She would have to say it verbally - and Yes - it would absolve him of any financial responsibility towards her upkeep.

amother

Burgundy

Tue, Feb 18 2020, 3:47 am

amother [ Burlywood ] wrote:

It may be halachikly ok but definitely does not help the marriage.

lcraighten

Tue, Feb 18 2020, 9:15 am

Doesn't this all come down to their relationship? If they have a good marriage, then she should tell him. It's not okay to hide things like this from her husband. If she feels that he is too stingy and he wouldn't understand her needs and they have a tough relationship, then there is a reason to say that she should keep some for herself. If she is looking to divorce and doesn't have financial independence then most definitely she should put it on the side for herself.

OP, to me it sounds like you have a great relationship, but you feel guilty about spending money on anything that isn't a necessity and here you have a chance to spend money free of judgement. But, from what you said, your husband isn't judging you! He even told you to buy your milkshake, the only person who seems to be judging you is yourself. My opinion is, put the money in savings (yes, all of it) and learn to spend the money that you and your husband have on yourself with a smile. There is nothing to be ashamed of!!

amother

Slateblue

Tue, Feb 18 2020, 9:57 am

pringles wrote:

Doesn't sound like you are on the same page.

This concept "being on the same page" is taken out of context.
A couple can love each other but have different takes on things. My husband enjoys certain things that I do not.

I enjoy seeing him enjoying it. I dont necessarily understand it nor would I spend $$$ on it..

In short, we are not on the same page but we understand each other...

This Rav knows the fifth shulchan aruch.

FranticFrummie

Tue, Feb 18 2020, 10:04 am

OP, if your marriage is great, then split the money 50/50, and tell him about it.

If your marriage is just so-so, then give him half, and keep the rest back. Only tell him about the 1,000.

If your marriage is really shaky, keep it a secret for yourself, but save it in case you need to get out. CVS it should come to that, but it's important to know you have a backup plan. IYH things will work themselves out, and in more steady times then you can treat yourself to a milkshake and manicure.

In any scenario, be as practical as possible.

This is just my opinion.