I am getting a tax refund, do I have to split it?

notshanarishona

Tue, Feb 18 2020, 7:30 am

amother [ Goldenrod ] wrote:

OP, some ppl here dont understand what you are describing. Bh they dont know what it's like not to have a spouse who doesnt take responsibility. Yes, some health situations such as diabetes...etc can be cured or debilitating depending on how a person changes his diet and....but regardless, the status quo now is still that your dh is not acting responsibly with money as he wants to spend unnecessarily and not put the kids/families' needs first. Not everyone can understand this type of situation where a dh and wife are not working together as a team.

However, while I agree with you for all the reasons you say that you should get the tax refund, now what??? How will you get your dh on board with this decision?? Do you have a rav to explain all this to?? Someone who understands that sometimes husbands may not be responsible with money and budgeting???

I understand very well what's it's like to be the spouse who has had had disabling health problems and to have everyone say if only you would lose weight and eat healthier everything would be all better 😂. It's very frustrating, demeaning , and obnoxious.
Unless it's a disability like lung cancer from first hand smoking, my sympathy is with the spouse who is being judged and not trusted because he is not responsible with his health which we don't even know what that means over here .

imasinger

Tue, Feb 18 2020, 7:32 am

Forget the braces, the driveway, the couch, the bills.

That windfall needs to be spent on counseling.

The two of you don't seem to be able to operate as a team right now.

Rethinking it, you can forget the cracks in the driveway; the stress of his disability and the financial issues it causes are cracking the foundation of the marriage. Braces on the SB. A therapist couch.

IMNSVHO, that's the top priority right now.

zaftigmom

Tue, Feb 18 2020, 9:12 am

imasinger wrote:

Exactly this! In a healthy marriage there shouldn't be my money or your money. It's all our money. You don't seem to have any respect or sympathy for your husband. It might be well deserved but that's still a problem that needs to be taken care of urgently.

Ravenclaw

Tue, Feb 18 2020, 9:22 am

amother [ Khaki ] wrote:

This split it concept is foreign to me.
The other thead of the person wants to hid her bonus for discretionary spending is foreign to me as well. You are a family and should be working hard together to put the family (kids followed by house...) first.
The discussion should be no more that great, I got back a refund. Now WE can get can fix the broken driveway so nobody kills them self, and we can also get Shlomie braces and hopefully replace the couch.
Teamwork! Teamwork!

Thank you! We generally make a list of things we want to cover for the family, and as part of that we budget in a small luxury item that we each want. Most of the refund goes to necessities or important things for the family(in your case, the braces and driveway would be that). And then we each get a hundred or two for discretionary use. But split the whole thing?

amother

Goldenrod

Tue, Feb 18 2020, 9:41 am

notshanarishona wrote:

We can discuss from today til tomorrow and we will never agree on this bec the fact is there are disabilities that can be prevented
And some, like my good friend who was born that way or my other friend who woke up one day and was "struck with her disability ". Of course, none of us can judge op bec we dont know her dhs condition and it is for hashem to judge.

Regardless, focusing on the financial aspect, no matter if the dh is suffering from a disability that is his fault or not, he still has the responsibility to acknowledge and provide for his families ' needs and not take the money for non necessities when his kids' needs are not met yet.

You are ignoring the financial aspect which is what op posted about.

amother

Papaya

Tue, Feb 18 2020, 11:59 am

imasinger wrote:

That would be great. But I'm guessing that OP's dh won't want to spend money on therapy either, or go. Therapy is hard work. But who knows? Maybe I'm wrong.

We have several models of married couples in tanach and even with the avos and imahos. These days, I think we'd all like to be Avraham and Sarah. But sometimes we are Yitzchak and Rivka or even Yaakov and Leah, and the dynamics are different. Of course, we don't have ruach hakodesh...

amother

Honeydew

Tue, Feb 18 2020, 2:00 pm

hey I am B"H in great shape and all for taking responsibility for eating right, exercising, and doing whatever I can to stay healthy and grateful I can do a lot and have the metabolism, time, money, energy, and ability on every level to do so -- while acknowledging that everything is up to Hashem.

still gotta say that it is not okay to blame someone for their own disability EVEN if it seems they could have done things to not get to that point and to stay healthy

everyone has different internal and external resources

and everyone is doing the best she or he can

we each can do our best and take responsibility for ourselves and not judge anyone else

truly believe that 100%

Sounds like a challenging situation; however, agree with posters to clear up this justifying/resentment narrative piece first however you choose to approach it -- while understandable it does not seem to be doing you or your family any good at all.

hugs and hatzlocha

amother

Blush

Tue, Feb 18 2020, 8:52 pm

Forget blaming.

He wants to spend on himself ahead of the family. That's not okay. Discretionary spending comes after household expenses. Counseling might help, but this is a messed up set of priorities. His "splitting" means "I come first, you take care of the family." It's verging on financial abuse.

My husband and I operate on a joint basis except for some spare "fun money". Our wages all go into one pot and everything comes out of it. No "I pay for this and you pay for that".

In the interim I would just spend the refund on the necessities.

#BestBubby

Tue, Feb 18 2020, 9:58 pm

imasinger wrote:

No need to spend $$$ on therapy.

If DH is too immature to understand that necessities come before luxuries, go to a Rov
to set him straight. Just say, "Let's ask Da'as Torah".

Done!