Do you favor your kids who look like you?

amother

Thu, Dec 20 2007, 10:03 am

I think I do.

My daughter has nothing from me; she is the spitting image of my MIL who I don't really love (also looks a lot like one SIL, and a lot like DH), and has a lot of my MIL's character traits, and also some traits from DH which really irritate me. She is my firstborn and I also had a hard time connecting with her from the time she was born, that could've been because of the newness of the motherhood, but it adds to the problem.

My second child, a boy, doesn't look exactly like me; when he was born I thought he looked like my family or my father, but now people say he too looks like DH. But I definitely see some of my family in him; his body is such that hugging him feels like hugging myself, and he has a personality that is less of a mystery to me, I understand him better than my daughter. I think my emotional feeling for him is stronger.

I hope it will change; it could be due to the age difference, because my son is just a baby and I am not so demanding of him.... It could be the age thing...

Clarissa

Thu, Dec 20 2007, 12:10 pm

No, I don't think I do, but then neither of my kids is the "spitting image" of either of us, although I see some of us in both of them.

I have good friends who have children who aren't genetically related to them, because of using donor materials or because of adoption. A couple of my friends have one child related genetically, and one who isn't. According to them, they love them all the same, absolutely no difference. I believe them.

I do think it's possible to favor one of the other at various points for personality or behavioral reasons, but it can shift from one to the other and back again, as time goes on. I don't think looks has anything to do with it.

amother

Thu, Dec 20 2007, 1:05 pm

My kids think I favour one that looks like dh. I don't think I favour him as much as I relate to him. We are most alike in presonality. We all favour our child with a disability.Right now major clash with the one who looks most like me, A teenage girl. She is fabulous & I will prob end up closest to her once she envolves into a human being again!

smile

Thu, Dec 20 2007, 1:33 pm

I used to favour my second one more than the first. I felt so bad. so I tried to give extra attention to my oldest for a few days. I was just giving and giving which in turn made me feel more for her. the more you give of yourself the more you love the person. so everytime I feel I neglect one of my kids I make a point of giving more attention.

mimivan

Thu, Dec 20 2007, 6:12 pm

I'm the opposiite. I have difficulty sometimes with my oldest because he looks and acts just like I did at that age! My younger one does not have my nature so much, and I find him a bit easier.

I love them both 100% equally, but the older one is a challenge precisely because he is like me. And he has a certain trait (temper) that I don't like in myself and am trying hard to fix.

It just means that I need to work harder on my middos and at the same time, to accept my own limitations.

I know this doesn't correpsond with your situation, OP, but maybe there are others who have the opposite problem, like me...

Starhavah

Fri, Dec 21 2007, 9:44 am

My dad favored me since I look like him and hated my sister who he thought looks like my grandmother (his mother) who was a very abusive woman. He made her life miserable. We shared a bedroom and she used to cry herself to sleep at night asked, why does Daddy hate me? She also has my grandmother drive to succeed, her stubbornness and her persistance. I grew up learning that life was unfair and knowing that I had not earned my father's favoritism. I was guilt ridden for many years. I guess it was a form of survivor guilt. In any case, we both wound up messed up. My father is a very messed up person and in the end she has a closer relationship to him. I think although my relationship with him is far more distant, it is untimately healthier. Although in all honesty, I will probably stop talking to him after my mother passes (please God that will not be for a very long time). I doubt my brother will maintain contact with my father after my mother passes. There was a time about 15 years ago when my sister was the only one of the three of us who would speak with my father. For the first time in her life he started to care about her (she was already married by this time) and she told me how much she resented that it took both me and my brother writing him off for him to start caring about her. Ultimately though, she is still unconsciously seeking his approval, because she never gets it.

I can't say how I would react since I only have one child. My sister has three and I do not think that she or her husband favor the children on looks, just intelligence. I am not saying that is better, just what I see.

Star Havah