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How do you do it?!
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amother
Amethyst


 

Post Fri, Jan 03 2020, 10:58 am
Can I say something? Try to find another job. I had a crazy high stress job and I never saw my kids and it was just too hard. I would drop them off at school before school even opened. I got a different job and my world is so much better. Daven that you find such a thing. Look while you still have this job, so that you don't lose income. Also, employers like to see that you're currently employed.

Good luck! (As a mom who's always worked full time!)
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amother
Orange


 

Post Sun, Jan 05 2020, 9:19 pm
op, I could've written your post 10 years ago when my oldest was a baby.
I understand you so well!!!! I cry for you!!
True, there are many mothers who wish to stay home with their babies but I always felt that I missed my baby more than my co-workers missed their babies!

And there are definitely some who prefer working over taking care of a baby all day. Each person needs to do whatever's right for them.

When my first baby was a baby, I ran to work everyday and literally cried at work. Missing my baby so much. I can't think back to the times when I finished work and just ran all the way from work to pick her up. I held her all the way home instead of wheeling her in the stroller.

I gave up my job at the end of the school year.
I babysat 4 more babies in my 2 bedroom home. It wasn't easy because I didn't study for a Masters to babysit! but I was with my baby and it was all worth it. As soon as my daughter was ready for playgroup I stopped babysitting. Took a course in photography and am always home for my kids And earning enough BH, obviously, not nearly as nicely as a therapist with a masters does. I don't have any savings. But I have a life and a family. and although being a therapist works out for my peers it did not for me. I am made differently and needed to be a mother first.
And sometimes we struggle financially, but I never regretted my decision, neither did my husband. and I would never go back to work and leave my baby with a sitter.

This doesn't work for everyone obviously, but maybe you can figure something out. Is there any field that interests you such as Graphics, baking.. ?

I don't think I helped you in any way since you probably came to look for support on your current working schedule... But my heart still hurts when I think back to those few months when my oldest was a baby.
I do want to point out that my husband's mother and all of his older sisters still work and support their families while their husbands all learn. But I am just made differently.
I never go on vacation and leave my kids behind.
I love snow vacation days when the kids are all home to cuddle on the coach together with hot cocoa..

Your husband is right that it works for almost everyone. My husband also thought I'm off the rocker when I just couuuullllddn't continue working... But he supported my decision cuz what other choice did he have? Lol:)

Wishing you lots of hatzlacha in making the right decisions!
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amother
Orange


 

Post Sun, Jan 05 2020, 9:26 pm
I just want to stress on the fact that even in very financially difficult times, me and my husband NEVER regretted the decision of leaving that very well paying job.

I'll elaborate on the 'very financially difficult times'- our landlord wanted us out due to being behind with 6 months rent.. yet we never even looked back. it wasn't suitable for me. what's there to look back to? (btw I LOVED that job until my baby was born)

No money can pay for quality of life!
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saw50st8




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 06 2020, 5:07 am
OP,

My husband and I have made it work by shifting our hours. I work really early (6-3 most days) and he works 9-7/8/9. He gets time with the kids in the morning, I get them in the afternoon. It works really well. We both have jobs with flexibility and that helps.

I want to point out another thing - when your children are really little, you can hire out their needs much easier than when they get older. Putting in time and energy now to hopefully gain you seniority and more flexibility as they get older is really important. Your baby will not specifically remember anything you do now but will remember being loved and cared for. If that is your husband right now, that's wonderful too.

But mom guilt is hard and babies grow fast. If you can shift the baby's bedtime, that would be great.
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amother
Red


 

Post Mon, Jan 06 2020, 10:01 am
amother [ Lilac ] wrote:
Can your husband take a job or a higher paying position? Is there any way at all you can quit, no matter the financial sacrifice? The brachah of being a stay at home mother is worth almost any financial sacrifice. You can ask your Rov, but I believe being a stay at home mother is incomparably more important than a husband learning at kollel. As a child's mother, YOU are the most important person in their life. Their first and most important teacher is YOU. To the child, YOU are everything. As a Rabbi once told me, "To children, parents are the closest thing to Hashem." It's so wonderful that your first priority is your children! This is the special character of a Yiddish Mama. And I'm davening that your family can arrange it that you are able to be there with your young children night and day!


This post was in the "Working Women" forum, she asked how to do it, not how to NOT do it.

These posts are SO SO super unhelpful.

Can't you preach somewhere else?

It's like kicking someone when their down.. she came her for support for what she is doing, not to be told to do something different.
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amother
Red


 

Post Mon, Jan 06 2020, 10:02 am
amother [ Peach ] wrote:
I hear you. It was so hard for me to leave my little ones. I did 2 things. First I never put my kids to bed before 8/8:30. I needed to have a little time with my kids. Second, once they was more than 2, I changed my hours. I went to work really early and was home by 4. This way we had more time together.

I know someone who worked crazy hours. She would put her baby in really early and then wake him up at midnight for an hour to play.


How early? Very Happy
(Asking because I am SO considering this..)
Also, what did you do in the morning?
All tips welcome!
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amother
Red


 

Post Mon, Jan 06 2020, 10:09 am
amother [ Orange ] wrote:
op, I could've written your post 10 years ago when my oldest was a baby.
I understand you so well!!!! I cry for you!!
True, there are many mothers who wish to stay home with their babies but I always felt that I missed my baby more than my co-workers missed their babies!

And there are definitely some who prefer working over taking care of a baby all day. Each person needs to do whatever's right for them.

When my first baby was a baby, I ran to work everyday and literally cried at work. Missing my baby so much. I can't think back to the times when I finished work and just ran all the way from work to pick her up. I held her all the way home instead of wheeling her in the stroller.

I gave up my job at the end of the school year.
I babysat 4 more babies in my 2 bedroom home. It wasn't easy because I didn't study for a Masters to babysit! but I was with my baby and it was all worth it. As soon as my daughter was ready for playgroup I stopped babysitting. Took a course in photography and am always home for my kids And earning enough BH, obviously, not nearly as nicely as a therapist with a masters does. I don't have any savings. But I have a life and a family. and although being a therapist works out for my peers it did not for me. I am made differently and needed to be a mother first.
And sometimes we struggle financially, but I never regretted my decision, neither did my husband. and I would never go back to work and leave my baby with a sitter.

This doesn't work for everyone obviously, but maybe you can figure something out. Is there any field that interests you such as Graphics, baking.. ?

I don't think I helped you in any way since you probably came to look for support on your current working schedule... But my heart still hurts when I think back to those few months when my oldest was a baby.
I do want to point out that my husband's mother and all of his older sisters still work and support their families while their husbands all learn. But I am just made differently.
I never go on vacation and leave my kids behind.
I love snow vacation days when the kids are all home to cuddle on the coach together with hot cocoa..

Your husband is right that it works for almost everyone. My husband also thought I'm off the rocker when I just couuuullllddn't continue working... But he supported my decision cuz what other choice did he have? Lol:)

Wishing you lots of hatzlacha in making the right decisions!


That's me!
But dh definitely, definitely would not support me just upping and leaving my job.
He's still studying for his career and I went into this knowing it. Banging head Banging head
He also thinks"this is what other women do".
His mom did, he grew up perfectly fine with etc etc
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 06 2020, 10:20 am
I worked similar hours when my oldest was a baby (B"H was able to cut significantly by the time I had my next, plus started working from home which gave me much more time with her.) For the first 18 months of her life, she slept mostly in my bed and I fed her 5X a night so that I could spend more time with her and make up at night for what I was missing with her during the day.

And B"H for weekends, days off, Y"T, etc...

She's B"AH 21, and I have a wonderful relationship with her B"H.

I also want to say that my DH was with her many of the hours I wasn't....which also made a big difference.
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dak11




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 06 2020, 10:30 am
I was in a similar situation after my oldest was born. I worked full time and had a long commute. I now work part time. There is a huge difference between working full and part time. Even if you can work four days instead of five it will make a big difference. If you're in a field which part time jobs are hard to come by (which I am) sometimes you can negotiate with your current employer and they will work with you instead of looking for a part time job which may be hard to find. I find that working part time is the best of both worlds. I still have my career, but I also have enough time with my kids that I don't feel like I never see them.
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#BestBubby




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 06 2020, 11:02 am
amother [ Orange ] wrote:
op, I could've written your post 10 years ago when my oldest was a baby.
I understand you so well!!!! I cry for you!!
True, there are many mothers who wish to stay home with their babies but I always felt that I missed my baby more than my co-workers missed their babies!

And there are definitely some who prefer working over taking care of a baby all day. Each person needs to do whatever's right for them.

When my first baby was a baby, I ran to work everyday and literally cried at work. Missing my baby so much. I can't think back to the times when I finished work and just ran all the way from work to pick her up. I held her all the way home instead of wheeling her in the stroller.

I gave up my job at the end of the school year.
I babysat 4 more babies in my 2 bedroom home. It wasn't easy because I didn't study for a Masters to babysit! but I was with my baby and it was all worth it. As soon as my daughter was ready for playgroup I stopped babysitting. Took a course in photography and am always home for my kids And earning enough BH, obviously, not nearly as nicely as a therapist with a masters does. I don't have any savings. But I have a life and a family. and although being a therapist works out for my peers it did not for me. I am made differently and needed to be a mother first.
And sometimes we struggle financially, but I never regretted my decision, neither did my husband. and I would never go back to work and leave my baby with a sitter.

This doesn't work for everyone obviously, but maybe you can figure something out. Is there any field that interests you such as Graphics, baking.. ?

I don't think I helped you in any way since you probably came to look for support on your current working schedule... But my heart still hurts when I think back to those few months when my oldest was a baby.
I do want to point out that my husband's mother and all of his older sisters still work and support their families while their husbands all learn. But I am just made differently.
I never go on vacation and leave my kids behind.
I love snow vacation days when the kids are all home to cuddle on the coach together with hot cocoa..

Your husband is right that it works for almost everyone. My husband also thought I'm off the rocker when I just couuuullllddn't continue working... But he supported my decision cuz what other choice did he have? Lol:)

Wishing you lots of hatzlacha in making the right decisions!


KOL HAKOVAD! Where there is a will, there is a way.
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max




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 06 2020, 11:14 am
I feel your pain when I had a baby I knew I had to keep my full time job because we needed the income badly along with health insurance for the family I really resented having to leave my baby with the sitter I felt bad missed him so much and then I realized I was fortunate enough to be able to provide a much needed financial contribution to the family and many women would trade staying home for my income and insurance in a heartbeat and stopped feeling guilty staying home and not having money to pay bills or private health insurance with accessibility to good physicians is not a mitzvah if your husband can’t do it on his own and being a burden to society is not a mitzvah either so I made it work by cutting my hours a little to 8 hours a day four days a week until he was old enough to be in playgroup five days a week and we had two hours every evening plus Friday and Shabbos and Sunday and then when he was older I was grateful I held on to the job everything is temporary. It feels awful but know you are a tzedakis doing the right thing for the family!
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amother
Azure


 

Post Mon, Jan 06 2020, 11:40 am
It's hard, OP. Try to push off bedtime if you can--I never had them going to bed for the night before 7. Also prioritize tasks and see what you can use shortcuts for or push off--whether it's dinner prep, getting takeout, cleaning tasks, etc. Make the time you have quality time. And if you're nursing/still doing night feedings and it's not making you a zombie, don't rush to cut them out because that's quality time. It's unfortunate that our society doesn't support working parents, but there are ways to make it work, and there are longterm benefits to staying in the workforce-- better longterm earning potential and opportunities for you and your kids.
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Fave




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 06 2020, 1:32 pm
amother [ Orange ] wrote:
I just want to stress on the fact that even in very financially difficult times, me and my husband NEVER regretted the decision of leaving that very well paying job.

I'll elaborate on the 'very financially difficult times'- our landlord wanted us out due to being behind with 6 months rent.. yet we never even looked back. it wasn't suitable for me. what's there to look back to? (btw I LOVED that job until my baby was born)

No money can pay for quality of life!
[b]

Off topic, but it’s not fair or halachically correct to voluntary give up a higher income job when you can’t make the rent payments. Landlords are not chesed organizations.
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Jan 06 2020, 1:49 pm
amother [ Black ] wrote:
Hug

You don't sound overly emotional or depressed. You sound like a mother who wants to be physically present in her child's life. That's so, so normal. I worked full time early in my marriage. At a certain point when my second was a baby I just couldn't do it anymore. It wasn't about managing, since I had help. I just felt like I was coming home depleted, the kids went to bed soon after, and my kids barely got to see a calm, happy mother. I cut back at that point to part time, and let my dh know that I wouldn't consider full time work until I felt it was the right time. Like your dh, he believed that plenty of women do it and I should be able to do it too. But I'm not plenty of women, I'm me. And this is my only chance to be this baby's mother, so I'm going to do it the way that my binah yeseirah is telling me it's right FOR ME. We're going through a rough time financially right now, and he asked me again to look for a full time job. But I reminded him that it's not on the table.


Thank you so much for this, for validating me and making me feel normal! That's exactly how I feel, even if I come home a little earlier at 4, I feel depleted and exhausted, I have less patience to play with the baby. I keep telling my husband that my gut is telling me to quit, this is not what I want for myself. But I just can't bring myself to do it, with the amount of time and money I've invested into this career, and with what our financial situation is like.
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Jan 06 2020, 1:53 pm
amother [ Orange ] wrote:
op, I could've written your post 10 years ago when my oldest was a baby.
I understand you so well!!!! I cry for you!!
True, there are many mothers who wish to stay home with their babies but I always felt that I missed my baby more than my co-workers missed their babies!

And there are definitely some who prefer working over taking care of a baby all day. Each person needs to do whatever's right for them.

When my first baby was a baby, I ran to work everyday and literally cried at work. Missing my baby so much. I can't think back to the times when I finished work and just ran all the way from work to pick her up. I held her all the way home instead of wheeling her in the stroller.

I gave up my job at the end of the school year.
I babysat 4 more babies in my 2 bedroom home. It wasn't easy because I didn't study for a Masters to babysit! but I was with my baby and it was all worth it. As soon as my daughter was ready for playgroup I stopped babysitting. Took a course in photography and am always home for my kids And earning enough BH, obviously, not nearly as nicely as a therapist with a masters does. I don't have any savings. But I have a life and a family. and although being a therapist works out for my peers it did not for me. I am made differently and needed to be a mother first.
And sometimes we struggle financially, but I never regretted my decision, neither did my husband. and I would never go back to work and leave my baby with a sitter.

This doesn't work for everyone obviously, but maybe you can figure something out. Is there any field that interests you such as Graphics, baking.. ?

I don't think I helped you in any way since you probably came to look for support on your current working schedule... But my heart still hurts when I think back to those few months when my oldest was a baby.
I do want to point out that my husband's mother and all of his older sisters still work and support their families while their husbands all learn. But I am just made differently.
I never go on vacation and leave my kids behind.
I love snow vacation days when the kids are all home to cuddle on the coach together with hot cocoa..

Your husband is right that it works for almost everyone. My husband also thought I'm off the rocker when I just couuuullllddn't continue working... But he supported my decision cuz what other choice did he have? Lol:)

Wishing you lots of hatzlacha in making the right decisions!

Thank you for the good wishes and understanding! I'm the exact same way, I feel like I'm an anomaly in that I don't send my baby to babysitting when I'm on vacation, and that I want to spend time with him as soon as I get home. I was thinking of trying to find something I can do from home like photography or computers, but I've already invested so much time and money into my education! lets just say its something that takes A LOT of effort to get into. Thank you for sharing your experience
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Jan 06 2020, 1:57 pm
saw50st8 wrote:
OP,

My husband and I have made it work by shifting our hours. I work really early (6-3 most days) and he works 9-7/8/9. He gets time with the kids in the morning, I get them in the afternoon. It works really well. We both have jobs with flexibility and that helps.

I want to point out another thing - when your children are really little, you can hire out their needs much easier than when they get older. Putting in time and energy now to hopefully gain you seniority and more flexibility as they get older is really important. Your baby will not specifically remember anything you do now but will remember being loved and cared for. If that is your husband right now, that's wonderful too.

But mom guilt is hard and babies grow fast. If you can shift the baby's bedtime, that would be great.


you made me feel a little better so thank you! I don't want to reveal too much because I would give myself away, but I'm hoping that when my baby is an older toddler I'll be able to switch to part time. I know he won't remember, but I will! I'm afraid I'm affecting my own mental health, and also afraid of affecting my relationship with this child for the future. That I'll always remember that I spent less time with him as a baby then I did with my future children beH.
I am trying to shift his bedtime, but worried that he won't get enough sleep at night because he wakes up at around 6:30 so I can nurse him and see him before I go. And also, I do take home work and need to have time at night to do my work. It's a really tough situation, and I'm realizing that I can't have it all.
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Jan 06 2020, 2:02 pm
Wish I could reply to all the posts individually, you gave me a lot of chizzuk! It definitely helps to hear about moms that worked full time and still have good relationships with their children once they're older. I went back today after a break and it was extra hard. My baby is just getting cuter, and now starting to reach some milestones like scooting and talking and I don't get to be there! I almost didn't leave this morning, I cried so much. And then I continued tearing up throughout the day, especially when the babysitter sent a really cute video of him. I almost don't want to see videos or pictures, makes me feel like its so unfair that she gets to take in all his delicious smiles and babbling. Tell me I'm not crazy!
I am trying to push off bedtime, but I still need the time at night to get my work done, and also worried about him getting enough night sleep.
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amother
Orange


 

Post Mon, Feb 24 2020, 10:03 pm
Fave wrote:
[b]

Off topic, but it’s not fair or halachically correct to voluntary give up a higher income job when you can’t make the rent payments. Landlords are not chesed organizations.

no worries. Landlords know this. They make sure to get every last penny. And my landlord doesn't need my rent to pay his grocery bill.

however, I obviously did not give up a job without a plan. I babysat! Me with a masters babysat in order to pay the bill until I took the photography course. Fast forward a few years. We had an unexpected medical expense. And we had a hard time paying the rent.
I did not think it was important to stress the reason for not paying rent. Since reasons do come up. And had I stayed with the well paying job, I'd have savings and maybe be my own landlord by now.. But as I said. we never regretted the decision. In fact. It was one of the best decisions ever made. money could not have bought me happiness. being with my baby did.
I thank Hashem that it worked out for us!
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