Wedding or hachnassas sefer torah WWYD

sirel

Tue, Feb 25 2020, 3:51 am

If it were me, I would do the following:

1) If I could make arrangements to be there for the whole thing (including missing work, etc), I would go to the hachnasas sefer torah.

2) if I couldn't make arrangements, and going would mean getting there when it's over (as you say, getting there at 1:30 when the meal starts at 1)
- I wouldn't go.

Mayflower

Tue, Feb 25 2020, 4:34 am

sirel wrote:

I would do the same. The hachnasas sefer torah is really a once in a lifetime event, and I would try my utmost to travel before shabbos so I wouldn't miss anything, even if it means taking a day off...

If that is really not possible, I would go to the wedding.

Last edited by Mayflower on Tue, Feb 25 2020, 6:36 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Aquamarine

Tue, Feb 25 2020, 4:50 am

DH is traveling a distance to get a plane in time for a family Hachnosas Sefer Torah, and leaving me alone with the kids for 3 days (the only travel arrangements we could work out). It's important.

I agree with the poster that said to go for the Hachnosas Sefer Torah and try to make a Sheva Brachos for your friend.

ETA: Can you rent a car and drive?

amother

Amethyst

Tue, Feb 25 2020, 6:29 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

One more thing I did not add- the start time is 2 hours before I could even make it. Another thing my parents did not think about when they picked the date and time. I have to take a bus and can't go motzei shabbos. I would get there in time for the meal...

I would go before shabbos. I hope your friend has more children so you could make it up then. Assuming she has...

Raisin

Tue, Feb 25 2020, 7:09 am

can you fly? Drive? Find someone else who wants to go who can drive you?

I would also say the hachnassas sefer torah is more important. Even if you get there late.

Your friend will not be upset that you are missing her wedding.

tichellady

Tue, Feb 25 2020, 5:20 pm

I think it's really up to you and both are valid choices. I am not sure why everyone is saying the friend will be ok with her missing the wedding. We don't know the friend or the relationship. If my parents chose the date without asking me then I don't think it was crucial to them that I be there.

amother

Pumpkin

Tue, Feb 25 2020, 5:24 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

A close friend's child is getting married. mazel tov! here is the issue...
My parents did not ask me if I was available to travel the 10 hours total(to and from)their town before they set the date for a hachnasas sefer torah in memory of their parents(my grandparents). They booked the shul and caterer and sent out the invitations and then said- oh by the way the date is XXX for the hachnasah. Do you mind speaking?

Guess what - the date is the same day as the wedding. Now what?

I told them- I wish they had spoken to me, but I can't make it.My Mom later asked me if I was disappointed- I did not want my parents to have an argument and I said- everyone has to do what works best for them.

My parents often just do things with out thinking about the other people around them- not in a bad way- just super self focused and unaware of thinking about things outside of their daled amos.

I was there when they started to write the sefer Torah. My kids are able to be there as they live in the same town and I will write up something for one of the kids to say.

Why am I feeling so guilty....

Your parents and grandparents come first. No question.

BetsyTacy

Tue, Feb 25 2020, 5:26 pm

Of course we don't know the details:is this your friend's only child who overcame a terrible illness but is now finally getting married at the advanced age of ... (fill in whatever advanced age means to you).. or is this one of a half a dozen and you just went to another of her simchas last year?

Most people's families never even have one hachnassas sefer torah in honor of grandparents, so to many of us it really is a once in a lifetime event. Unless what, you really couldn't stand those grandparents, or you really can't stand your parents?

In some ways you have provided us with a lot of information, but in other ways, not really enough.

amother

Pumpkin

Tue, Feb 25 2020, 5:27 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

It seems like you keep trying to convince everyone and yourself that your parents were wrong. That is irrelevant. Your family is your first priority, not your friend or your child.

amother

Aquamarine

Tue, Feb 25 2020, 5:49 pm

Nobody consulted DH on the date of the Hachnosas Sefer Torah his parents are making for his grandparents. Why should they?

If he couldn't make it (it was my due date, a family simcha on my side he couldn't miss, etc.) they would understand. But this was the date they were able to arrange, and they hope/expect all of us to do our best to make it work for us.

So in our case, DH will need to drive several hours to get to an airport with flight times that work, and will need to be away from home for 3 days. I am happy for him to be able to do this.

I assume your friend didn't consult you about her wedding date either. We make simchas, invite others with sufficient notice, and hope that (barring extenuating circumstances) they will arrange things to be able to join us there.

amother

Aquamarine

Tue, Feb 25 2020, 7:14 pm

Looking back at your original post, I see that the drive is 5 hours each way, by bus. That's really doable. Rent a car before Shabbos, and you can drive Motzei Shabbos or early Sunday morning. Drive back Sunday night or Monday morning.

Plus it's probably quicker in a car than in a bus, so it might be 4.5 hours instead.

Added bonus: If the meal is 1:30, it will be over by 3:30 or so. If you drive back right away, you can get home by 8:00 and make it for part of the dancing by your friend's daughter's wedding.

notshanarishona

Tue, Feb 25 2020, 7:24 pm

If your excuse was the travel, difficulty leaving your kids , etc. I would say it's not expected to come from out of town for this type of thing. A 5 hour drive is a lot to do for a short event . If you are easily able to go I wouldn't use a friends wedding as an excuse . Parents come before a friend .