Do you live in an impossibly big house?

Chayalle

Tue, Feb 25 2020, 9:30 am

Mommyg8 wrote:

And find me even one thread that starts off as jealousy about material things? Posters always say that they're not jealous, hmmm...

In actual fact, yes I do know people IRL who are jealous of women with large families. My grandmother was one, she was constantly talking about one neighbor that had 14 kids and everything was always perfect... My grandmother herself got married late and had three (Her first at 39) so I would say that yes, she was jealous. My own mother always spoke about this other family with 12 children and she was so amazed how the mother had everything figured out just so.

Personally, I've always been much more jealous- if I'm allowed to admit that emotion - of women with very large families who are managing well than of people with money. Because having a large family and raising them well is a personal accomplishment while money - is just something you're given.

So now you know three women.

Make that four.

I have never walked into a huge gigantic mansion and wished I lived there (and I have relatives who live this way, have visited several). B"H my own normal-sized, cozy, not modern but warm and inviting house is perfectly adequate (and more) for my needs.

But when I see large beautiful families, and the siblings all have each other and are raised well, and the wonderful times they have together, I wish I could have had more children. I'm grateful for my 3 B"H, but I'm not gonna lie and say it doesn't hurt.

Maybe it's not jealousy exactly, but it is painful sometimes...

amother

Blonde

Tue, Feb 25 2020, 9:32 am

amother [ Smokey ] wrote:

You reek of jealously and are judgemental. You don't sound too happy with yourself and try to rationalize by putting others down.

That's 3 lifestyle put downs in one thread.

Listen, lady. I've been polite enough till now, but enough of telling people they 'reek of jealousy.' Or telling me I don't 'sound too happy.' You really cross the lines. I am beginning to think you are a troll or something.

I will admit to being judgmental. So what? There are lots of things I don't approve of - parents who smoke. Parents who don't vaccinate. Parents who curse around their kids and their kids learn to speak in coarse language. People who are 24/7 on their phones. People who wear fur coats (conspicuous consumption and animal cruelty all in one).

Do I have to approve of everyone? Does not approving make me jealous? I'm sorry, I just don't get you. Maybe because there really are so few things in real life that I am jealous of. Someone having 8 bathrooms or an empty state-of-the-art kitchen is not one of them.

The fact I don't approve of these people remains with me. I don't gossip about specific people or tell them directly that I disapprove. But I don't have to approve of everyone, and I will take a wild guess that you don't approve of everyone either. You are just annoyed at what I choose to disapprove of, and have decided to turn this into a chance to throw personal insults.

amother

Pink

Tue, Feb 25 2020, 9:38 am

The whole jealousy discussion stems from a comment made by a poster in response to a kt complaining to her young naive student that it's hard to have a large house. You can roll your eyes at her complaint without being jealous.
Just like I roll my eyes (mentally, to myself) when people vent and go on and on about problems that are major to them but actually come from being privileged.
Like, when I had no kids, and a friend was venting to me about how hard it was to take her kids shopping at Target because they begged for toys.
Sure I wanted kids but I don't think you need to ascribe my eye rolling to jealousy it was more how ridiculous she sounded complaining about this problem of all things to me and expecting validation.

amother

Papaya

Tue, Feb 25 2020, 9:40 am

Chayalle wrote:

Me and hubs always dream when we will be rich and I feel I would stay in the same condo I’m in. I’m not either jealous on anyone with mansions at all. I’m jealous of people with big families. Do I voice that no!

amother

Smokey

Tue, Feb 25 2020, 10:10 am

amother [ Blonde ] wrote:

I stand by what I said. You are an unhappy know it all. My huge kitchen with state of the art appliances pumps out a lot of food for others. I love cooking and I love feeding. It's Tueday, and I already fed 2 families this week, am dropping off food this morning, and committed to more. It's my pleasure to be able to do. I had this same pleasure when I had a small kitchen. Where do you get your crazy idea that large kitchens are empty?

Every inch of my large house has a purpose and it's not to make you more envious. Jealous people have no place in IMRL. Every bathroom is thought out. Every room has a purpose. My utilities are less than a bi level that's a quarter of the size of my home. And my door is open except I don't deal with people like you.

amother

Teal

Tue, Feb 25 2020, 10:15 am

amother [ Smokey ] wrote:

Cut it out, would you????
Why is she an "unhappy know it all" because she doesn't approve of everyone and everything??? Because she doesn't share your interests or have the same teivos as you doesn't make her or anyone else an unhappy know it all. There are actually people that are happy with what they have and have no desire for big houses and fancy stuff.
And btw, you sound like a nasty show off that's doing chessed for your own kavod and not for the sake of a mitzva.

amother

Seafoam

Tue, Feb 25 2020, 10:30 am

amother [ Smokey ] wrote:

I don't think your accusations are fair or match all the chessed you do. Chessed isn't just doing its also thinking kindly of those we don't agree with.

It's scary to think that you have something others disagree with or might even be jealous of. If you have a good marriage. You're blessed. If you can carry a healthy pregnancy to full term and deliver a healthy child. You're blessed. If your BC works when you want it to. You're blessed. If your home is one you are happy to be in. You're blessed. If you can avoid judgements of any kind against your fellow jew. You're blessed. If you have koach and interest in standing on your feet in a kitchen to cook for those in need. You're blessed. If you would rather drop an envelope anonymously under their door. You're blessed.

No one's jealousy or disapproval can take that blessing away from you if you appreciate the blessing and do not feel the need to defend it or publicize it.

amother

Peach

Tue, Feb 25 2020, 10:31 am

amother [ Smokey ] wrote:

If depends on the family. There are no territory fights. There is no waiting for bathrooms. No one is banging on the door for someone to get out. There are different entertainment areas for friends. This works out great when the kids have friends of the opposite gender. There are more than enough guest rooms with en suite bathrooms to host a big family. There's enough closets and coat closets and shoe closets to avoid clutter. The kids have a quiet place to study without anyone around. There is more than enough exercise equipment and room to learn. No one gets priority and no one gets edged out.

Honestly, in my tiny 1900 sq ft brooklyn house of which we rent out 500 sq ft of it, I can't imagine what life is like for kids without waiting for bathrooms, sharing bedrooms, living spaces, etc. That's typical family dynamics. That's where kids learn to be considerate and how to give and share, and learn basic life lessons and strategies.

I'm the one who says I love looking at big homes but would never want to own one.
If it works for you and you like it, I'm happy for you.

Raisin

Tue, Feb 25 2020, 10:39 am

Mommyg8 wrote:

I wish I could agree with this and it does have some truth, but honestly - do you really think there are no bachelor millionaires? I'm sure there are. And hiring a good housekeeper/cleaner/cook is relatively inexpensive.

And besides, I wouldn't say that those women married to men who struck it rich worked harder than those who stayed middle class or poor. If anything it's the opposite, honestly.

I am sure there are. But then they don't have any kids.

I can't quote any statistics, but pretty sure most wealthy and successful women (on thier own ccount) do not have kids, or have very small families.

You can outsource the cleaning and cooking, its harder to outsource childrearing. (and less socially acceptable) Yes, you can hire a babysitter but you can't stay out till 11pm working.

amother

Blonde

Tue, Feb 25 2020, 11:04 am

amother [ Smokey ] wrote:

Enjoy your state of the art kitchen where you do chessed for a different family every day.

Honestly, your tone and your accusations make you sound insecure. A secure person doesn't care if someone isn't jealous of what they have. Nor does a secure person really care if someone disapproves of the size of her house or the size of her family (obviously as long as they're not gossiping about her behind her back).

I'm sure plenty of people disapprove of many of my choices. So? That's their right, so long as they don't come up to me and complain. Just because they may disapprove of the house I bought, or my car, or my family size, doesn't make them 'unhappy know it alls' who are 'reeking with jealousy'. It just makes them human beings with opinions.

amother

Blonde

Tue, Feb 25 2020, 11:12 am

amother [ Smokey ] wrote:

To add, methinks the lady doth protest too much. You keep ranting about how everyone who criticizes huge families must be jealous (was that you? I've lost track of posters), and then you seem very upset that not everyone desires 8 bathrooms. That some people even see it as a disadvantage.

I would never have imagined that the purpose of your house was 'to make me more envious'. Why would you even bring that up? By mentioning it, you bring it up as an option. And if the purpose was not to make me jealous, why are you so upset that I and others are actually not indeed jealous?

amother

Blonde

Tue, Feb 25 2020, 11:18 am

Raisin wrote:

Yes. Lots of research has been done on the fact that women are as successful in the corporate world as men, until they get married. Once they get married, their success slows, and once they have kids, it almost halts.

Usually it is a choice women make, but the bottom line is that married male CEOs can afford to have the comforts of marriage and children because there is a wife taking care of it all (even if she works f/t, she is usually doing the bulk of the multi-tasking and child-rearing). A married female CEO with children will find it a lot more difficult to focus at work and get ahead - her husband isn't doing all the legwork necessary to keep the home running in the background.

Of course there are exceptions.

amother

Burgundy

Tue, Feb 25 2020, 11:22 am

I think everyone is entitled to their opinions (but don’t necessarily need to always share it).
And everyone got a different toolbox to use to accomplish whatever they need to do here on earth.
If a woman can do more chessed in a big house or if it gives her or husband peace of mind, it’s a tool she got. It’s great she’s using it for others as well and not just for herself. I think it’s very special of her.
If a woman got a different set of tools it means her job here may be something else, just as special or even more.
We don’t know what anyone’s life and challenges are. Everyone has challenges.
Everyone can and should use any tool they got to help them do what they need to do here.
As long as these people give maaser- the Torah is happy.
So we can also be.
I definitely see huge amazing things that people with no money accomplished.
Think of all our gedolim, as an extreme example of success, most came from average to very poor homes! And there are other examples. Success, in most areas, doesn't specifically come through money.
But if someone can afford a big house- the Torah allows it so why should we judge?
Even maaser is between them and Gd.
And those who use it for cooking for others, and helping the less fortunate- Gd bless them.

amother

Burgundy

Tue, Feb 25 2020, 11:30 am

amother [ Blonde ] wrote:

I agree.
And no matter how much money he has , it all boils down to family, to enjoy life and have real nachas in this world, and for sure in the next world.
Just as the kids nachas is fully his even if he’s barely home , so too his accomplishments are fully hers as well even if she’s not very involved in the business he’s building for THEIR SHARED family.
Are the kids more hers because she worked way harder on the pregnancy, labour and delivery?
They’re still partners.

Mommyg8

Tue, Feb 25 2020, 11:34 am

Raisin wrote:

You're right. That's an excellent point. You can't outsource childrearing.

amother

Amethyst

Tue, Feb 25 2020, 11:59 am

amother [ Smokey ] wrote:

This post is nasty.
The fact you feel the need to mention state of the art appliances is in such bad Taste. Yuck!

amother

Smokey

Tue, Feb 25 2020, 12:14 pm

amother [ Amethyst ] wrote:

This post is nasty.
The fact you feel the need to mention state of the art appliances is in such bad Taste. Yuck!

Blondie mentioned by empty kitchens with state of the art appliances. My kitchen is a hard working kitchen. Everything I posted on this thead was in response to something someone wrote. I tried to explain to OP. I didn't get the sense she was a nasty vindictive jealous know it all unlike later posters.

The thread is about big houses. If someone who owns a big house answers it truthfully then according to you it's in bad taste. Me thinks you are also jealous.

I believe there's a lot of jealously here. It is negative and reflects on the posters themselves.

Chaya123

Tue, Feb 25 2020, 12:24 pm

I didn't read thru this whole long thread but just wanted to comment:
I live in a large (rented) townhouse bec that's what was available when we were looking and it gets challenging having so much space and having everything spread out. Also, the layout isn't so practical with more bedrooms than we need and less storage/play area.
I have 4 bathrooms but somehow my children always want the same bathroom in morning and still bang on the door for each other to get out. Smile

I, too, would much quicker envy someone with large family than someone with large home. Who needs all that space if no children to fill it?
The bashing here doesn't befit mature adult women. Let's have respectful discussion.

amother

Amethyst

Tue, Feb 25 2020, 12:31 pm

amother [ Smokey ] wrote:

To tell someone who has less then you and may be jealous or feel bad how wonderful your living space is mean.
Maybe she is jealous
Maybe her bathrooms are not thought out
Maybe her space isn’t used well
Maybe her appliances are broken and old.
Maybe she feels bad.
Maybe she doesn’t have the money to buy a house so her bills will get less.
So you have to throw your good fortune in her face? Or in anyone’s face.
Bragging about what you gave us always wrong.

(I live in a 2 bedroom home in Lakewood with 6 children. My fridge makes loud squeaky noises all day. You have to blow my oven burners to start them. I have no toy space and nothing is thought out. My laundry room is my main bathroom and guest bathroom. My monthly electric bill is through the roof because my fireplace flume is broken and the cold air blows in. I get that the previous poster may wish for a different life. That’s why I think it’s wrong to reply in such a vindictive way. Just be greatful for what you gave quietly ).

amother

Maroon

Tue, Feb 25 2020, 12:37 pm

amother [ Smokey ] wrote:

You can counter the claim that large kitchens are left empty by giving your story. The jump into jealousy is totally frivolous to this conversation.

Your determination to continuously make judgemental comments about strangers feelings reflects on you too - what do you think it says?