Grandparents and simchas

amother

Tue, Feb 25 2020, 7:19 am

When grandparents pay for the simcha of course they get to invite everyone the wish, and send out their own invitations. How does it work when the kids are footing the bill for a simcha (such as kiddush, bris, shalom zachor etc)? The kids might not want to have the expense (because they can't affo d it!) of the additional 40-50 or more who people who may show up...

amother

Plum

Tue, Feb 25 2020, 7:24 am

Did the grandparents by any chance make one of these simchos for you in the past, and now want the same people invited to this one?

ETA- Looking again at your list of simchos. Many people consider those "come one come all simchos". Anyone can drop in at a zachor or a kiddush, and often a bris, without invitations.

amother

Bisque

Tue, Feb 25 2020, 7:27 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

It's up to the kids. Parents don't get to invite. They may invite a person or two to the come & go part to come say Mazel Tov if they want to see them but not to any meals and not 40 people.

PinkFridge

Tue, Feb 25 2020, 8:08 am

I don't know what the limit should be, but it is nice to ask the grandparents if they have anyone special they want you to invite.

amother

Tue, Feb 25 2020, 8:37 am

amother [ Plum ] wrote:

Right, but they only know about it if they get a phone call or email. These friends and extended family are not part of our shul so wouldn't know the details if our parents don't tell them specifically. Our parents have huge amounts of extended family + friends who'd come if our parents "invite" them.
If it was just our friends and close family it would be max 70 ppl. With our parents' it would be 200.

amother

Ruby

Tue, Feb 25 2020, 8:39 am

Having recently made a bar mitzvah and my inlaws footed the bill, they got to choose whom to invite besides for the family and friends dh and I invited. I told them how many people we were inviting, they added on their people and all is well in the world.
The only time it bothered me was when we made vacht nacht and bris and my mil invited way more people than she and I had agreed on. I was not in the mood of so many people driving me crazy telling me to sit down so many times. I want to stand and walk, leave me alone.

amother

Lavender

Tue, Feb 25 2020, 8:58 am

Grandparent here. I think it’s very nice if parents can help kids make a simcha, pay tuition, buy a new sofa. That doesn’t put them in charge of the invitation list, their grandchild’s chinuch or choosing the color of the sofa. Ask them if there’s anyone special they want to invite. Then add a few couples to your guest list if you can to be respectful and considerate of their part in the simcha, nothing to do with who’s paying. (Hopefully they have the sense not to give you a whole guest list.)

keym

Tue, Feb 25 2020, 9:07 am

I'm making a bar mitzvah soon. My son is the oldest grandson on both sides.
The grandparents are very excited about the simcha, but have both told me that they cannot participate at all financially.
What we decided is that for the dinner we will invite one or two close friends for each of them. The dinner is $20/$30 a plate so we can't afford more.
But they're welcome to invite as many friends as they want to the kiddush. That will ultimately cost me a few more pieces of kugel and some rugelach and cookies.

Ema of 5

Tue, Feb 25 2020, 9:23 am

PinkFridge wrote:

I don't know what the limit should be, but it is nice to ask the grandparents if they have anyone special they want you to invite.

The limit should be whatever the baalei simcha want, and can afford. Yes, it’s nice to let grandparents invite people, but it’s not a must. For example, we are making a bar mitzvah very soon, and we added to the list a few people that my parents would like to invite for the kiddush. We are not inviting their friends for any meals, but for the kiddush I don’t mind.

amother

Seashell

Tue, Feb 25 2020, 9:24 am

I invited about 3 close friends of my parents. And 4 relatives my in laws asked us to invite and 1 friend. We paid for the simcha but they are generous within their means. It was a small party - mainly family - but our family is large.
(This isn’t why you invite guests but my son almost only got gifts from the older crowd we invited and not our peers - I was happy for him that he got some stuff).

dankbar

Tue, Feb 25 2020, 11:37 am

If you are making the simcha & paying you invite your people. You can invite 2 friends of grandparents, as respect, only if you want to.

That's for Bar Mitzvah meal type of simcha.

For shalom zachor/kiddush in shul, for men, it's usually the people of the shul, your own friends & whoever else wants to step by to say mazel tov, usually there is some public notice. No need for grandparents to personally invite the entire town on your chesbon.

amother

Cyan

Tue, Feb 25 2020, 1:54 pm

We told my parents to please pay for everyone they were inviting to the meals (not the kiddush). And they did.