My son's don't go to shul. Dh and I argue alot about it

amother

Tue, Feb 25 2020, 7:24 pm

BetsyTacy wrote:

Your husband says it is normal. It really makes a difference if in your community it is normal.

Some do some don't but most 12 year olds go. Our shul is relatively new and small and a lot have younger kids. Some boys of around my son's age definitely go every week but then again they do live nearer. Plus the shul is strict with not letting the boys play outside.

amother

Tue, Feb 25 2020, 7:27 pm

amother [ Ruby ] wrote:

Would they go to that shul for morning if dh okayed it? If it's close, they could hang at home and go for mussaf, and then if they get comfortable, they can add on. Dh doesn't need to go there if he doesn't want to.

We both wouldn't be ok with them going there alone

keym

Tue, Feb 25 2020, 7:30 pm

My 10 & 12 yr old only started going reliably this past year and only because the shul is around the corner from us.
A few things that helped.
1) I try to get dressed and dress the little ones as early as possible. There's something about once they're in clothes that makes it easier to go.
2) I started davening aloud and reading the parsha. The little kids join me while they're playing. My older boys actually mutter "you're embarrassing me, Ma, if I'm not getting quiet, I might as well go to shul".
3) my shul started a program with raffles and prizes for boys 9-13. It's more than just candy from the candy man. They get points for tefillos, depending on their grade. The end, anyone who reached a certain amount went on a shul organized trip speed boating.
This kind of idea works if you can get other families on board.

However, I'm not obsessive about it.
If my son says not this week, I remind him to daven, but leave him be.

4) my boys got old enough to participate in shul- glilah, Brachos for the amud, and my husband actively got them these things.
5) my husband switched his seat and made sure that there were seats and siddurim reserved for my boys.
This was huge. They hated not having a seat and trying to figure out "the rules" of coming late and finding a seat.

amother

Tue, Feb 25 2020, 7:34 pm

keym wrote:

This helped me a lot! Thanks so much and for everyone for your input. I'll read it all over with dh tomorrow (it's late here) and see what we can come up with. I'm glad I'm not alone though.

amother

Beige

Tue, Feb 25 2020, 7:35 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

My boys are 12 and 10. We live about a 15/20 walk away from the shul that we daven in. They used to sometimes walk together about an hour after dh left so they weren't even there for the whole time. Now they never go, they cbb. They prefer to stay in their pjs playing football, relaxing etc. It really bothers me! Dh said that we can't force yiddishkeit on them which I agree with but he always says 'you just want them out the house' bla bla. And whilst my shabbos mornings would be a whole lot quieter and more relaxing if they were out that's not the reason. I want them to do what's right, go where they belong.

What would you do??

As the akeres habayis its up to you to guide them on the right path especially their father isn’t. A 15/20 min. walk is far. Can you find a closer Shul for them to to go to? Of course they’d rather stay in pj’s relaxing and playing but that’s not how life works. We all have responsibilities especially as religious Jews.

amother

Beige

Tue, Feb 25 2020, 7:37 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Sure I'd walk them to the further one too but they don't want to go. They find it boring 🤷‍♀️ I'm really at my wits end about it. My husband seems to think that its very normal that they don't go Sad

You 2 not being on the same page about this is very harmful to kids, gives them mixed messages and won’t bode well for the future. If you dh doesn’t come around to,supporting you on this after you tell him how important you feel it is, you should get in touch with your rabbi or the boys’ rebbes and have a talk with them and your dh.

amother

Seashell

Tue, Feb 25 2020, 9:33 pm

Don't push!!!
I offered my boys to go but never pushed until probably a year before bar mitzvah. That said I go almost every week (a 15-20 min walk, but longer with kids) for the last 15-30 minutes of shul. Most weeks my 10 year old son joins me, but some weeks he doesn't want to. I did the same with my currently teen boys and have no issues with them davening with a minyan now.

shabbatiscoming

Wed, Feb 26 2020, 2:52 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I don't go to shul. In our community women dont go especially if have young children.

But OP, if it is important to YOU that they go, then why not by the example that YOU want them to be?
I always say, not everything is worth the fight. And sometimes fighting about these things, will just push them further away, from you and from yiddishkeit.
In my mind, its not worth that fight. Yes, they should be going to shul, but do you want this to turn into something where they never go again? Hopefully one day they will go again, but usually fighting about this stuff makes it much much worse.

amother

Wed, Feb 26 2020, 3:52 am

amother [ Seashell ] wrote:

It's less than a year to my son's bar mitzvah now.

salt

Wed, Feb 26 2020, 3:55 am

amother [ Seashell ] wrote:

When it was less than a year before bar mitzva, how did you encourage/enforce it?

amother

Royalblue

Wed, Feb 26 2020, 6:21 am

Kah I have a lot of boys.
Kept telling my husband the boys need to go to Shul... and my Shul is right across the street!
he also said don’t push, they will come when they need to.
I see he was right. I don’t say anything to push them to go. We have relaxed shabbos mornings, they daven at home.
Once they hit bar mitzvah they have no choice and need to go.
Bli ayin hara my older boys (and iyh my younger ones) are wonderful boys, all going to Shul now for all minyanim.

amother

Wed, Feb 26 2020, 8:07 am

amother [ Royalblue ] wrote:

That's great bh! Gives me much needed hope. I definitely need to relax more about it. The kids know how I feel already I need to make shabbos enjoyable for them instead of telling them off and reminding them where they should be shab morning! Thanks for all replies.

amother

Oak

Wed, Feb 26 2020, 9:14 am

I had the same thing with my oldest son. It made me crazy that he wouldn't go to shul he was already 12!! what will be after his bar mitzva!! My husband was adamant that you don't push. You don't force mitzvos. He spoke it over with a well-respected mechanech who told him this.

Literally overnight, the Shabbos after his bar mitzva he started going fri night and Shabbos morning like a trooper. I asked him a while later, why do you go so easily now and you never wanted to go before? So he just grinned at me and said I didn't have to.

My next son who is now 11 leaves the house at 6:40 on weekdays to attend the school minyan. He is out the earliest of everyone. On Shabbos, he doesn't want to go and I don't even think to force him. I trust him, he will go when he has to.

I really understand how this eats at you but I think if a child is demonstrating responsibility, maturation, and caring in other ways, then he will accept that he needs to go after bar mitzva.

asmileaday

Wed, Feb 26 2020, 11:20 am

amother [ Pumpkin ] wrote:

My boys walk 20 minutes to shul, I live in Brooklyn and I don’t think that’s far. Even my 6 year old does the walk.

I buy comfortable Shabbos shoes, rubber souls and soft leather.

Off topic, care to share a link to the brand and style of comfortable boys shabbos shoes?

Op I'm also of the belief don't force and they will go when they have to.

avrahamama

Wed, Feb 26 2020, 12:40 pm

I think you should follow your husbands lead in this. But also going as a family is nice. I take all my kids ... All my kids have gone from 3 weeks old to shul. I don't like staying home. I find that walking brings a certain kind of honesty to my conversations with my kids and husband. And our family walks to and from shul are very valuable to me. Being in shul is nice too. They learn how to behave. Develop a love and Kesher of their own with our rav.

If you can push yourself to go with the littles. You really have nothing to lose. Those 20 minutes of walking and chatting can be restoring to the family.

princessleah

Wed, Feb 26 2020, 12:58 pm

Every Shabbat everyone goes to shul in my family. I take the kids a bit later (get there for Torah reading). It's just not an option to stay home. They have a lot of friends there, so they love it.
Now that they are in elem school, the rule is they have to be in the sanctuary for 30 minutes and then they can leave.
There is great children's programming and they are expected to go to the children's tefilah. Sometimes my son (age 10) doesn't want to, so we tell him the other option is to follow along with the service for 30 minutes, or he can lead Ashrei during services, and sometimes he picks that. Then he gets to run around with his friends.
But nobody stays home unless someone is sick