child not doing well want to put her back a grade

amother

Thu, Dec 20 2007, 9:01 am

I have a daughter in Pre-1A and a daughter in Kindergarten.
Yesterday the school called me and told me the one in Pre-1A is not doing so well and feels she should really be in kindergarten. Now there is a few problem with this. 1 being I already have a daughter in kindergarten and the school only has 1 kindergarten I don't want them in the same class and 2 how is she going to feel when she gets older and realizes she is older but in the same grade as her younger sister. Or they said she can stay in Pre-1A and repeat it next year but they really feel she belongs in Kindergarten. I also think she is more advanced then the kindergarten she already knows her Alep Bais and ABC's and she already learnt some Nekudos already where as my daughter in Kindergarten is just learning the Aleph Bais. She is also
5 1/2 and I feel she is so old for kindergarten my other daughter just turned four 2 months ago and is in kindergarten. Also when she graduates High school a"h she will be 19 which is kind of old. What would you do in a situation like this? any advice thanks

bigmomma

Thu, Dec 20 2007, 9:06 am

Trust your instincts and don't let yourself be intimidated. Don't let them talk you into doing something you are not comfortable with. Your daughter will mature in due time. 19 is old to graduate unless it's a real extreme circumstance. She will definitely feel ridiculous being in the same class as her younger sister.

Ruchel

Thu, Dec 20 2007, 9:21 am

Nowadays, here, many students graduate with 1 or 2 years late... but in the same class as the younger sister is not a good idea! kids can be cruel Sad

chaimsmom

Thu, Dec 20 2007, 10:52 am

In my experience, it is better to hold kids back earlier than later. I've seen kids who were not held back in the early grades struggle their way through the next few grades, only to be held back in 5th or 6th grade. It is much harder for a child to have to repeat a later grade.

Clarissa

Thu, Dec 20 2007, 10:59 am

I would not consider it, because of the younger sister. That would be just too uncomfortable. As far as how to handle it, it depends on what the problem is. If it's academic, is there extra help she can get? If it's behavioral, is there some way to work with her on that?

There's no way she'll be comfortable in the same grade with a little sister, at the same school.

amother

Thu, Dec 20 2007, 12:38 pm

Expanding on Clarissa's point, you need to find out why they think she isn't doing well, and how they think being left back will help her.
When you've defined the problem, and the potential solution, better, you can see if there's another way to address it.
The issue with the sister is an important factor. When I was a kid, I was in the reverse situation. My parents were advised that I should skip a grade. They decided against it-I was young, I was short for my age, but mostly because I had a brother a year older, and they thought that would cause a lot of problems.
I see what they were thinking.

RachelEve14

Sat, Dec 22 2007, 11:47 pm

As a former teacher, I would want to know more about the situation. Is it maturity? Is she young for the grade (born right before the cutoff). Is there any question of learning issues? If she has some type of hidden LD holding her back is a very short term solution.

morningstar

Sun, Dec 23 2007, 2:55 am

Leaving aside the grade issue . . . what is your child's difficulty?
Do you think it is a maturity issue which will be helped by waiting a year?
If so, it seems a shame to have your child struggle through school when things could be easier by waiting. I would switch schools if necessary, but not keep her ahead only for the sake of the sibling.
If, on the other hand, the issue is likely to be persistent, and not go away with an extra year of time, mayb you need your daughter in another setting where they are more willing to work with her difficulties.
Either way, it looks as if you may have to move this child to a different school
Best of luck with her.

amother

Sun, Dec 23 2007, 6:12 am

I was held back a year in preschool, and then moved ahead a year later on when my mother realized how far ahead I was academically (and still was, even in my new class).

The reason that they held me back was social/behavioral; I had difficulty following instructions and had social skills problems. It turns out that I had (and still have) high-functioning Autism and the only thing that holding me back a year would have accomplished would have been to make me more bored in school than I already was.

amother

Sun, Dec 23 2007, 9:55 am

amother post above this one, could you elaborate about the high functioning autism a bit? I have a daughter who has some difficulty following instruction, and some social issues. I always wonder about this.

TzenaRena

Sun, Dec 23 2007, 10:09 am

amother wrote:

Oh boy, could I go on a rant about this. I hate those arbitrary cut-off dates, and I also hate the one-track mind kindergartens have about holding kids back unnecessarily.

It's a one size fits all solution - NOT!
I'm sure it helps some children, but others get really shortchanged. Not the least is that the natural desire to learn is sometimes forever compromised by leaving a child in playing mode too long. When the learning isn't challenging eg. too easy, older, smart kids can becomes underacheivers, and that's a difficult thing to overcome.

My dd's school didn't allow her to begin when she was ready - dumb cut-off dates, and she graduated later, it became a harder decision whether she should attend a second year of sem (she wanted to, and BH did).

amother

Sun, Dec 23 2007, 7:34 pm

amother wrote:

Sure, in fact, I will repost something that I posted in the special needs forum a few months ago (since now it is a closed forum):

Quote:

Looking over these posts I can see that many of you are concerned about your children with an Autism spectrum disorder. In order to give you Chizuk, I have decided to tell you my story, to show that it is possible for some of us with ASD to live a normal life.

I have an ASD (first diagnosed as Asperger's, now thought to possibly be high functioning Autism) which was not diagnosed until I was 21. As small child, I started talking very late (when I was close to four) and had various social difficulties (I refused to say hello and goodbye to people, never made I contact, and disliked being touched). During elementary school my social problems got worse, I only had one friend and was constantly teased by the other kids. By the time I got to sixth grade things got worse. I tended to be very opinionated and would argue with my teachers a lot, and often raise my voice (since, due to my autism, I cannot hear when I raise my voice and cannot control it). I even got suspended from school once due to this.

As I got older, however, things became somewhat easier as I started to (very slowly) learn some social skills. By the time I graduated high school, I had a few more friends and was a lot happier. I went to seminary, got married straight after sem, and now have to children (neither of whom seem to be Autistic B"H).

Don't get me wrong, things aren't exactly easy now. I probably fight more with my DH than other people do (although we do love each other and get along quite well), due to the fact that I am quite opinionated, stubborn, and still lack social skills (as does he, for that matter). I also tend to stick my foot in my mouth a lot, especially when dealing with older relatives (like my in-laws). I still speak to loudly and too quickly, I still don't give I contact, and I still don't like being touched (except by husband, to my great relief as I was nervous about that). I also still have difficulty understanding emotions, both mine and other peoples, although this has improved substantially over the years.

So, to those of you with high-functioning Autistic children, I can give you a few tips to try to help your children:

1. Be open with your children about their condition, let them know that their social mistakes are due to a disability and not a moral flaw, yet let them know that their social skills can improve with time and practice.

2. Let them know that things will probably get easier for them when they get older, as most adults aren't put in as difficult social situations as school children.

3. Advocate for your children at school, do not let teachers group them together with other "problem" children just because they have a disability.

4. Give them space. Many people with Autism (such as myself) need time just to think and be in their own world.

5. Don't try to push them to socialize more than they want to unless absolutely necessary

Anyway, if you are concerned I would recommend taking your child to see someone ASAP, since the earlier it is diagnosed the better.

amother

Sun, Dec 23 2007, 7:36 pm

Sorry, that was supposed to be "eye contact" in the post above. It seems like Imamother automatically edited it since it is wrong in a few places Scratching Head

Imaonwheels

Mon, Dec 24 2007, 2:23 am

I had 2 held back, one with good reason and one over stupidities. In the end the one held back for stupid reasons also benefited by more time to grow up and a better class.

My problem was the 3rd child. The older 2 should have been 2 years above, now he was only one below. Then he was tested as gifted and they wanted to move him up into 1st grade at age 5. That would have put all 3 of them in the same class, which B"H, the teacher simply refused. They are a real handful together.

I got advice from a teacher of gifted children and she said it doesn't help any child to miss material or to do it twice unnecessarily. But sometimes if the child has to have more time to mature, both intellectually and socially, it is the lesser of 2 evils and the earlier the better.

Just as she guided me to raise the depth of what my son was learning you could be taught to help your daughter if the problem is learning. BTW, as a side note, they do not realize how nuts it is to teach ABC before Hebrew reading is firmly established. It can account for many of the problems. If the problem is social maturity often it works but having kids over a year and a half apart in the same class is not just about convenience and difficulty, it also will affect the older girl's self image.