Not feeling it this year

amother

Mon, Mar 09 2020, 9:17 pm

I have a close relative who is terminally ill. Today I went to get a haircut in case I'll be in shloshim before Pesach. I cried all the way home.

I got my period last night so I can't even get a hug from DH. I'm crampy and emotional and in both physical and emotional pain.

I'm trying to keep things normal for our children but I'm just not enthusiastic about Purim this year. I sent the big kids to megillah with DH and went to a much quieter one later myself after we got the little kids to bed. I'm dreading tomorrow. I don't want to be a Debbie Downer but I'm having trouble staying upbeat. People who don't know what's going on in my life say, "Hi! How are you?" so automatically that they don't actually expect a real answer but I can't give the expected responses of "Ok, thanks, how are you?" or "B"H!" because I'm really not ok and I'm really angry at Hash-m.

And now I'm tearing up again just writing this out. I'm going to go drown my sorrows in chocolate and then curl up in a ball and try to get some sleep.

thriver

Mon, Mar 09 2020, 9:24 pm

💕 sending you love. It is okay to be angry right now. Daven to Hashem from this broken place and may He answer your tefilos. Purim is a tremendous eis ratzon. Take advantage. You can lie low this year... don’t expend more energy than necessary and IyH you should hear good news soon. Sending you strength!

amother

Saddlebrown

Mon, Mar 09 2020, 11:46 pm

One Purim I was very sick, I couldn't even go to my parents for the Purim seudah. I stayed home while my husband took the kids, and as the poster above said, I davened from the broken place. A specific yeshua I needed for so long came right after that Purim, honestly beyond my wildest dreams.

Just want to give you and myself chizik. I am also sad and broken this Purim. I am also feeling angry and bitter. May Hashem help us tell Him all about our pain, be strong for our families, and send us yeshuos and refuos. Lots of love to you! A freilichen Purim

amother

Crimson

Tue, Mar 10 2020, 3:38 am

I hear you. I got up from shiva less than a week ago and am really not in the mood but will do my best for the kids though I’m limited in what I can do להלכה.
It’s hard but try to compartmentalize your feelings for at least part of the day. And Purim is an עת רצון so davening can always help in some way.

PinkFridge

Tue, Mar 10 2020, 10:36 am

OP and crimson, big, big hugs. I remember taking a shower knowing it would likely be my last for the week.
This is all part of Hashem's timing. He understands how hard it is and loves you and loves your being mekabel the mitzvos of Purim this year, as ambivalent as you may be feeling.
OP, I hope your relative is comfortable, and that you all feel Hashem's loving hand throughout this journey.