Dont know why I'm so upset

amother

Tue, Mar 10 2020, 1:39 am

My son, 13, was going to go around with his classmates tonight.
They were supposed to meet at 10:30 at 8 Media Drive.

My husband took him but instead of dropping him off at 8 Media he dropped him off at a nearby house which is 8 Tory Drive.
My husband told him this is 8 Media!

My son stood there for a few minutes and when he saw that nobody is coming he figured he'll go up the hill to see if anyone is there.

Luckily it's a very hectic block on Purim. He found someone from his yeshiva that told him that his class just left 8 Media.

By 11:15 the boy was back home sobbing. He slept so much today he is not very tired and is missing out on his fun with his class.

I'm upset that;
1. I had no idea of this arrangement. I would never let him go without giving him a phone or some way to contact us. Ok, every class gets a phone and my husband probably thought he will take the class phone but at least make sure he actually meets with his class before leaving him there!!

2. He was venting when he came home and I was too upset at what happened and I didn't handle it the way I would like to. I told him that in the morning I want him to go with a freind from our door to our door.

3. Had I known I would make sure he tells a friend to wait for him.

4. He walked home all alone. That's about 40 minutes uphill from where he was. I pity him.

5. I'm upset at my husband for being clueless. 8 Tory Drive is where a known store is. He saw its that store regardless if he made a mistake with the adress.
What did my husband think? That the class is meeting in a store? I'm so upset!

6. Till now he was afraid to go with his class because he cant dance Hora and he wont be able to dance with his friends. We tried dancing with him the last few days and made him confident that he does know it. (He really
does) now after all he didnt even meet!!

7. He forgot the number of the boy that has the class phone. I couldnt even call them to find out where they are and reconcile him with them.

8. I'm upset that he came back home without even trying to call us. I have so much family enroute and he definitely saw people we know. He could've asked for a cellphone not just give up.

9. I'm upset that I can't talk openly with him. He hates discussing feelings. With my other kids I'm so open. I would discuss how upset he is about it. Here there is nothing to discuss because if I mention emotion he runs or says stop it. I now he is immature and hopefully with time we will be able to open him up or bring him to therapy (huge no no by him) but this story just highlights how incapable I am of handling him. I'm so lost.

10. I feel stupid and like a failure.

I keep on adding to this post because its therapeutic for me to write about this.

I feel so helpless. It bothers me. I don't know what I want now. I'm just not handling this correctly.

I'm upset and I cant fall asleep.

Thanks for listening

salt

Tue, Mar 10 2020, 2:01 am

I can completely understand how upset you are. Upset at your DH for not making sure he met up. Upset at your son for forgetting the number of the class phone therefore not being able to catch up.
I think it's because you feel out of power - had you been in the picture, you'd have done it differently, so it's frustrating. I guess after the event, the best we can do is learn how we'd handle things like this in the future.

Even if your son doesn't like discussing feelings, you can put names to what his feelings probably are - eg. you must have been SO disappointed. "I can just imagine you standing there wondering what to do. It's so hard to know what to do in these situations. It's confusing with all those thoughts running around in your head. etc."
I also like "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen" advice of putting a little humour in there. "I wish I could have magicked you over to where your friends were" - it may put a little silly smile on his face.

Sometimes my kids like to write down how they're feeling or why they're angry instead of telling me. Would he do that?

Maybe you can sit down together and write what you would do differently next time. At least that way he'll feel like it won't happen again, even though this experience was missed.
Disappointments/ mishaps happen. I would give him a big hug and say how sorry you feel that it didn't work out. And offer to take him out to choose his favourite chocolate.

This is a bit of a mix of ideas/solutions, hope it helps.

amother

Tue, Mar 10 2020, 8:00 am

salt wrote:

Thanks I really appreciate you for taking the time to respond.

The thing is that this story is just symbolic of what I'm dealing with all year round. Discussing feelings in any way shape or form, or any discussion about his Yeshiva or freinds is getting me into a power struggle with him.
I want to talk to him and have a relationship but he hates it and he gets upset at it.

I spoke to a proffessional about him and I got some guidance but mainly to cut out any feeling discussion for now. I have to say that our relationship is much better since I'm doing that.

We will revisit this feeling issue slowly but for now, being that I'm a very in touch mom, it bothers me that he is so afraid of opening up to anyone. I know he has anxiety but he won't come for help. I feel helpless because from past experiences I know he must cooperate for it to have any benefit.

I think that the pain I had last night was just a manifestation of the pain I have year round from this situation.

FranticFrummie

Tue, Mar 10 2020, 11:57 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Congratulations, your son is becoming a teenager. Hug

With girls, this happens around 12, but with more screaming, crying, and door slamming. There's a reason kids turn bar/bas mitzvah at the age that they do. It's a huge turning point in their development, and they are stuck between being little kids, and being small adults. It's very hard on them.

I imagine that he wanted to feel like a big kid, and feel independent. Instead he ended up feeling lost and small. For a young man with a growing sense of self, that can be hugely embarrassing. Every time you bring it up just rubs salt in his wounds. The best thing you can do now is to pretend it never happened, and work on ways that you can improve communication in the future.

I completely agree that it's best to leave is feelings out of things and back out of his business. He knows he can come to you any time he wants. You've done a great job so far. Now, you have to leave the ball in his court, and let him come to you.

Another thing that is CRUCIAL, is to not project any of your anxiety or sadness about the situation onto him. Your feelings are not his feelings. You may be way more upset about it than he is, and dwelling on it can only make things worse. A parent can hold a grudge a lot longer than a kid can! I'm still mad about things that happened to DD, that she's gotten over years ago.

You need to take yourself out of the picture, and focus on being stable and predictable. What DS needs right now, is to see a normal home with no drama. If you want my advice (take with a grain of salt) is to NOT revisit any emotions, unless he brings it up FIRST.

Google "stonewalling". You do not want this to happen. Just leave that emotional space open and neutral. Your son will step into that space if and when he wants to.

PS: You have my permission to smack DH if you want to. Some men just have no seichel whatsoever.

amother

Tue, Mar 10 2020, 4:29 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

Congratulations, your son is becoming a teenager. Hug

I literally Googled stonewalling B'Etzem Yom H'Purim FF!!

Turns out he is stonewalling me in a certain sense already only the wall comes crashing down at times like these, he melts into a tantrum or goes into bed and he starts blaming me for whatever happened.

If I could explain to him that my husband is slightly clueless in general things would be easier.
I have this talk with all my kids once they get older;
Totty is a great person he will take his shirt off his back for you but for next time if you want him to do ABC you need to explain it to him because he does not have the sharpest comprehension.

They breath a sigh of relief when I tell it to them.

This particular son does not want to listen. He is chauvinistic if I may say so and he thinks women are silly feely touchy crazy people so he can't really hear anything bad on my husband.

Bh since I stopped asking him things like hi, how was your day? Or, oh that must've been so hard! etc. he stopped being cynical with me. There is still a long road to go but at least the air is cleared.

Like, at least this morning when I wanted him to take along a phone when going with his class so he can call us if anything goes wrong he took it. Normally, anything that's out of the box is a no no with him but once I get his trust he shows me how vulnerable he actually is under all the cynicism skepticism and chauvinism.

And thanks for telling me that I might be more upset than him. You're so right!

I wish I can get him to the point of wanting to help himself. I think it'll be a major win for me as a mother.
Knowing people like him I wonder if that's possible. They're like the highest functional Aspies (smart, knowledgable, great students, hate feelings, think weddings are a waste of time, the opposite of savvy, not jealous on the ones that are savvy but too shrewd to let themselves be helped) that are under no category so its hard to find help for them because they over smart any regular therapist.

A girl can dream....

amother

Olive

Tue, Mar 10 2020, 11:23 pm

OP, I'm only addressing the issue of discussing feelings, please disregard if not helpful

Feelings are personal. For whatever reason, your dc may find your wanting to discuss his feelings as intrusive.

What is important, however, is that you convey to him that his feelings are valid and not shameful. You can do this by modeling. You can say, for example, I'm so disappointed that I was late to my appointment earlier today. I was really embarrassed, and then I didn't have enough time to finish up some other things. But everyone makes mistakes. Next time I'll try to leave earlier.

In other words, you can teach him to be accepting of his feelings, by being accepting of your own feelings. You can also try to use specific words to describe feelings so that he'll have a vocabulary, such as disappointing, embarrassing, etc.

Hatzlocha.

amother

Tue, Mar 10 2020, 11:37 pm

amother [ Seagreen ] wrote:

Just be present at first. Then eventually commiserate on the small stuff he chooses to share with you. Hopefully he will begin to realize it feels better to share his troubles and begin to allow more and more sharing. Like I said, sometimes the situation is so charged from my DC’s point of view, there is nothing I can do at the time and then later on , maybe the topic can be brought up. Sometimes not though. Sometimes I have to trust that DC will figure out a way to adapt ( and not maladapt) despite me.

Thanks. Makes a lot of sense.
The only thing Is that I feel damned if I do damned if I dont.

If I just listen he will say you aren't listening to me. If I say a quite uch or tz tz he will become cynical.

First thing I remember off the top of my head happened this week.

He told me he has a good Purim joke from boys in his Yeshiva. He told me the joke and I laughed because it was funny. He asked me what's funny?

Next day same thing. I was really lost.
I asked him Chaim what do you want? You're telling me a joke. Do you want me to laugh? Or do you want me to just listen?

He realized how ridiculous it is and he told me um yes it's funny. You can laugh.

I'm never sure what the right thing to do is.

amother

Tue, Mar 10 2020, 11:40 pm

amother [ Olive ] wrote:

This is great advice.

When we wanted to give him a becoming a teenager talk we knew it wont happen if we talk directly to him.

We decided to try discussing it in third party. Me and my husband had small discussions in his earshot about the body changes 12 year old boys go through etc.

I will use this with regards to feelings also but I do have to be careful because whenever there is such a discussion he will get all upset and tune out or leave the room.

He likes discussing the Aseres Hashvatim the Galaxies, the Gemara, the news, or anything factual.

FranticFrummie

Wed, Mar 11 2020, 9:36 am

OP, upthread you said something about "Aspies". Do you think that your son might have Asperger's? From what you are writing, I'm getting the feeling that he might be high functioning Aspie, or at least have some very Aspie tendencies. "What's funny?" is SUCH an Aspie thing to say!*

It might be worth your while to have him evaluated. If he is on the spectrum, that will give you a LOT of insight into the way he thinks. You will know better how to communicate with him effectively, and you will know not to take anything personally. It will also explain why he dislikes the idea of therapy so much.

If he is an Aspie, he doesn't need to be fixed, he needs to be accepted and understood exactly the way he is, because this is the child Hashem gave you. You can't rewire his brain, but you can learn how to let him know that you care in a way that won't make him defensive.

*(My ex is an Aspie. We were on a walk once, and I saw some gorgeous red flowers, and thought they were poppies. Ex says "They are anemones." I said "Well with friends like that, who needs anemones!" and he just gave me a blank look. He didn't get it at all. He was more concerned that I was getting the name of the flower wrong.)

amother

Mustard

Wed, Mar 11 2020, 10:53 am

OP, this could have happened to any of my five children.

1. My husband could have made this mistake. In his immediate family he was considered off, adhd,
learning disabled, chaya raoh, etc. Luckily he married me, he is none of the above. I did feel something kept him from being coordinated and sometimes took him longer to grasp. By now I discovered he probably needs vision therapy. In short, to us he is smart, successful, multi talented,
and it is ok to be human and to confuse things.

2. I do not know all my kids purim arrangements. It is healthier that way. the grow up better, trust me they will attach to you better, they will be more comfortable to talk to you when you enter the mother in law mod.

3. It is ok for a child to experience a horrible experience. My married children all recovered from theirs.

4.You could give suggestions for your son about borrowing cellphones or enlisting help from family
but try not to freak out when doing so. Because the suggestions will be associated with freaking out.

5. Discussing feelings is not easy for everyone.
It does not mean he is aspie or any label.
Let him be.
let everyone make mistakes, even bad ones.
If he is calm and can process the pain, he will have a greater chance of picking up discussing feelings.
My mom in law is amazed how my husband can express himself; something he couldnt do at home.
My husband had at one point confided in me that because he could not express himself as well as his younger brother he got anxious and jealous and mad and it got his thinking even more clouded.
once he was out of the environment with his brother (after marriage) he picked up things young children pick up and he is doing beautiful. so just let things be.
please be kind to yourself. Do not try to be such a good mother. Just be. Not everything is meant to be fixed - therapy is good but sometimes it is not good, some kids need to grow developmentally at their own pace and when they catch up they could be more efficient and smarter than the kids who had the gift of the gab.

I am sorry for your angst.
please do not take anything personal in this post. if something doesnt apply to you, erase from your head.

amother

Wed, Mar 11 2020, 3:59 pm

amother [ Mustard ] wrote:

1. I respect you for finding his strengths. This is not the case though with my husband. I dont want to elaborate.

2. Me neither. This son does not have the best street smarts shall I say. I do think he still needs some guidance at least for now.

3. Thanks for telling me that! I need to hear it. Smile

4. So true. Great perspective. I appreciate that.

5. Hey I'm copy pasting this number and I'm going to read it every day. Every single word you said there is gold.
I really appreciate it! You really got me!!

Thanks so much again and again.

P.S. I need a rational freind like you. Can we meet? Wink

amother

Wed, Mar 11 2020, 4:10 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

Lol what you describe with the flowers is exactly him.

A few years ago I took him for an evaluation. I was told that they understand what I'm saying but he is not officially on the spectrum.

The point here is that he has to learn certain things regardless if his issues have a name or not.

I'm taking the advice here to let go and let God...