How do I tell my daughter?

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Forum -> Coronavirus Health Questions

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amother

Tue, Mar 24 2020, 5:11 pm

My daughter has been having anxiety about COVID19. We just found out someone we know passed away from the illness today. I have no idea how to tell her without causing even more anxiety.

amother

Lemon

Tue, Mar 24 2020, 5:12 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

My daughter has been having anxiety about COVID19. We just found out someone we know passed away from the illness today. I have no idea how to tell her without causing even more anxiety.

Don’t tell her

amother

cornflower

Tue, Mar 24 2020, 5:13 pm

How old is she? Does she know that person?

amother

Tue, Mar 24 2020, 5:20 pm

She’s 11 and I have to tell her because she is going to find out. She didn’t know him personally but she knows his family.

amother

Saddlebrown

Tue, Mar 24 2020, 5:25 pm

Does she have to know today? If your daughter is having lots of anxiety try to wait a few weeks when hopefully things calm down. Then you can tell her what happened while at the same time telling her the crisis is much better.

amother

Tue, Mar 24 2020, 5:26 pm

amother [ Saddlebrown ] wrote:

She will likely find out from a friend and I’d rather be the one to tell her.

I didn’t tell her he was sick, but she found out.

amother

Mauve

Tue, Mar 24 2020, 5:38 pm

I'm sorry, this is a hard one. I would tell her the person passed before she heard from the streets, but I wouldn't give details. If she asks you can say that it's all you heard.
If she does find out it's COVID 19 related you can say he was sick before or whatever. I know adults using that to placate themselves.

amother

Violet

Tue, Mar 24 2020, 5:39 pm

I would emphasize the rarity of this situation. This is a highly highly unusual matzav likely to never be repeated in our lifetime. Focus on how this has never happened in ours or our parents lives.

If you are talking about a principals husband that is especially difficult. My daughter is younger and I'll be holding off a day to tell her.

singleagain

Tue, Mar 24 2020, 5:39 pm

Consult with a trained therapist who specializes in childhood anxiety.

amother

Mint

Tue, Mar 24 2020, 5:55 pm

Hopefully the person was very old or had other health issues. Still terribly sad of course, but less scary sounding then a relatively young/ otherwise healthy person.

It's sad and scary to hear, but tell her calmly. We cannot feed our kids' panic.

amother

Orange

Tue, Mar 24 2020, 6:06 pm

amother [ Mint ] wrote:

Maybe its her principals husband who was in his 50s and (to my knowledge) healthy (pls correct me if im wrong).
In that case shes very likely to find out from school friends...

amother

Brunette

Tue, Mar 24 2020, 6:21 pm

tell her before someone else does
when my uncle died somehow someone told my daughter in camp before I got a chance to
he died suddenly and they were close to him

ora_43

Tue, Mar 24 2020, 6:23 pm

There's no way, because that's not a realistic goal. Sorry OP. You can tell her in a way that exacerbates her worry as little as possible, but she's still going to be scared.

IMO step 1 in a good response is to let her have that fear. "I know this is scary," or "it's natural to be scared," etc.

And then step 2 is the usual reminders - this is an unusual outcome, most people do recover. Also remind her of all the safety measures people are taking now. Unfortunately a lot of people got sick before we realized how this spreads or how to fight it. But now we're taking steps to stop it, and doctors are already working on medicines.

And finally - do something fun. Not immediately after you give her the awful news, just in general. Encourage her to call a friend, or read an upbeat book, or watch a funny video. Fighting anxiety head-on is a waste of time. Finding moments here and there to not be anxious can be more effective. JMHO (not a child psychologist! or any kind of psychologist!)

If you see that anxiety is really having a serious affect (affecting her sleeping or eating, or serious affect on her mood, for several days), do be in touch with her doctor. I'm talking like this is "anxiety" in the sense that most of us are a bit anxious these days, but keep an eye out in case it's more.

amother

Tue, Mar 24 2020, 6:50 pm

amother [ Violet ] wrote:

And how will you tell her? Do you have a plan?

tzila

Tue, Mar 24 2020, 6:53 pm

I think Chai Lifeline might be able to help you find a way to talk to her.

amother

Violet

Tue, Mar 24 2020, 7:15 pm

Mrs xyzs husband was niftar. I am feeling very sad. I would love to visit her now to be Menachem avel. Hopefully when things calm down I'll do so. This is something very rare. Rare means almost never happens but could happen. I cried a little when I heard. Tell me how you feel. l(I pause between each sentence to let her comment ask questions). This is for an 8 year old. Just let her talk it out and answer matter of factly.

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