Home
Log in / Sign Up
    Private Messages   Advanced Search   Rules   New User Guide   FAQ   Advertise   Contact Us  
Forum -> Interesting Discussions -> Inspirational
Story: solo seder



Post new topic   Reply to topic View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Mar 30 2020, 6:32 am
This was written by R' Pini Dunner.

One of the issues that has been coming up again and again in the past week during phone calls I have been having with my community, and with others from further afield, is the fact that people will be on their own for the Seder this year, or their Seder will be drastically reduced in numbers, with children or parents elsewhere, all isolated in the midst of the current coronavirus social-distancing self-quarantine situation which is so important to prevent the spread of the disease.

Some people will literally be by themselves, solitary, with no one to do the Seder with at all.

“How can we do Seder by ourselves?” they ask me. “Doesn’t the Pesach Seder need to be done with family and guests?”

I have thought about this a lot, and would like to address everyone’s concerns by sharing an extraordinary conversation with you that I had about eighteen months ago.

I just happened to be in New York at the time, and a friend of mine messaged me that his daughter had become engaged. I texted him back that I was around and would be able to attend the engagement party, and that night I drove to Monsey to celebrate the simcha.

While I was at the party, I bumped into a friend of mine, Rabbi YY Jacobson, a well-known inspirational speaker on the East Coast. I knew that Rabbi Jacobson grew up on Montgomery Street in Crown Heights, in the heart of the Chabad community, just a few blocks away from the home of the late Lubavitcher Rebbe.

There is an aspect of the late Lubavitcher Rebbe’s life that I feel is often overlooked, and we got to talking about it. The Lubavitcher Rebbe was incredibly down-to-earth, and, together with his late wife Rebbetzen Chaya Mushka, the Rebbe led a very simple life. Indeed, as hard as it may be to believe, their life together was very private.

Rabbi Jacobson often tells stories about the Rebbe when he speaks to audiences, so I asked him if he ever focuses on this particular aspect of the Rebbe’s greatness. Namely that the Lubavitcher Rebbe had no airs and graces at all, nor was he interested in the pomp and ceremony that is often the hallmark of other Hasidic leaders and ‘courts’.

“For example,” I asked Rabbi Jacobson, “do you ever tell audiences that in their sixty years of marriage, the Rebbe and his wife ate every Shabbes meal together on their own? No guests, no attendants, no public spectacle… just a married couple eating together – bringing the food in, eating, clearing the table, doing the washing up. A man who had literally tens of thousands of people at his beck-and-call! What a powerful lesson!”

Rabbi Jacobson paused for a moment, and then he smiled. “I’ve got one better for you,” he said. “A few weeks ago, I led a workshop for single mothers, and at the end of the session, I took questions from the women and encouraged them to ask any question that was on their mind. One of the ladies put her hand up, and this is what she asked me… it’s a crazy story.”

“A few months ago,” she said, “it was Pesach. The thing is, my ex-husband and I went through a very difficult breakup. After years in court over our kids, we finally settled on a shared custody arrangement, which means that we alternate Jewish holidays. This past Pesach it was my turn – my children were coming to me for Seder and I was so excited. I changed over my home for Pesach and prepared everything beautifully; it was going to be just me and the kids.”

“I was so happy about them being with me, that I told everyone: my family, my friends, my neighbors. Then, one hour before yomtov, I got a phone call from my ex – for some reason, the kids were not going to be coming. I almost fainted from shock and heartache. I was also so ashamed. I guess could have called my parents, or I could have called my neighbors – and gone to them for the Seder. But how could I actually do that? I had told everyone my kids were coming! Truth is, I did not have the energy to even be with anyone. I felt completely and totally numb – dry and lifeless.”

“So I did the Seder by myself. On my own. It was the worst and most bitter Seder I have ever had. I just sat there crying the whole way through. Weeping. It wasn’t Pesach. It was Tisha B’Av. I did not have to eat Maror. I—my entire life!—was Maror. Yes, I went through the Haggadah and ate the Matzah; but the entire Seder took me 25 minutes.”

“Rabbi Jacobson, did I do the right thing? Did I fulfil my Seder obligation? Was it even called a Seder? Because it did not feel like a proper Pesach.”

Rabbi Jacobson told me – and believe me, as a public speaker, I know exactly what he means – sometimes your most inspirational moments in a speech are not prepared. They are a gift from God. You can prepare for hours. And then inspiration drops into your lap. Right then and there, Rabbi YY Jacobson had such a moment.

“Lady,” he said, “in 1988 the Lubavitcher Rebbe’s wife died, and he was left on his own, as they sadly had no children. She passed away in February, and two months later was Pesach. Every year the Rebbe and his Rebbetzen had Seder together, but this year he was on his own, totally by himself. Who would the Rebbe conduct the Passover Seder with?”

“I recall that a young boy, Ari Halberstam – who was later tragically gunned down on Brooklyn Bridge, in 1994 – approached the Rebbe after Maariv on the first night of Pesach and, on behalf of his mother, invited the Rebbe to his home for Seder. Ari’s family lived at 706 Eastern Parkway, just one block away from ‘770’. The Rebbe smiled at Ari, and shook his head. He thanked him profusely, but told Ari he would be having the Seder in his private office in ‘770’.”

“I was a yeshiva student at the time,” continued Rabbi Jacobson, “so I am a first-hand witness to this story. In fact, the Rebbe’s longstanding assistant Rabbi Leibel Groner offered to stay with the Rebbe, but the Rebbe sent him home to have Seder with his wife and children.”

“And so, the great Lubavitcher Rebbe – the man who inspired countless people around the world for their Seders, who personally undertook to provide a meaningful Pesach Seder for Israeli Army personnel who were on duty on the first night of Pesach via his shluchim in Eretz Yisrael – had the Seder on his own. Not one other person was present. As the Talmud says: if you are on your own, you ask yourself the ‘Ma Nishtana’ questions, and then you answer them to yourself.”

“A few of us yeshiva boys did not go home that night; we waited outside in the street – and after a couple of hours, the Rebbe opened the door to welcome Eliyahu Hanavi and recite Shefoch Chamatcha. He walked outside holding a candle and his Haggadah, said the prayer, gave us a wave, and then went back inside to finish the Seder — by himself.”

“My dear lady,” said Rabbi Jacobson, “if it was good enough for the Lubavitcher Rebbe to have the Seder on his own, trust me, your Seder was perfect!”

“He could have had his Seder with 100 people, 1000 people, or 10,000 people. He personally arranged for all the army Seders in Israel to be sponsored. He was responsible for hundreds of thousands of people celebrating Pesach on Seder night, from Kathmandu to Alaska, from San Francisco to New Zealand. But at the end of the day, he went and did the Seder on his own. He didn’t need anyone else to be close to God. He didn’t need adulation. He didn’t need validation. He sat alone and relived the Exodus from Egypt.”

“I was only 15 at the time,” concluded Rabbi Jacobson, “but despite my youth, I felt sad that the Rebbe had nobody to be with for the Seder. Why did he not invite even one person to be with him? But today, after hearing your story, I may have discovered the answer—and it is just a personal feeling. As a true Jewish leader, the Rebbe wished to empower all those souls who would ever need to do their Seder alone. He wanted them to know that their solitary Passover Seder was powerful, meaningful, and real. Jewish history and the Divine presence would dwell at their Seder just as it does at a Seder that has many people there.”

Over the past couple of weeks, as the coronavirus crisis has unfolded across the world, and the reality of our isolated situations has become ever more evident – this incredible and very moving story about the Lubavitcher Rebbe has been at the forefront of my mind.

This year, so many people – probably more people than at any other time in Jewish history – will be having the Seder on their own or without their families. All of our Seders will be diminished, and anxiety will be hovering in the air. And all of us will be thinking to ourselves – ‘is this really a proper Seder?’

I think Rabbi Jacobson’s story about the Lubavitcher Rebbe in 1988 answers that question, and it eases any doubts we may have about our impending ‘depleted’ experience. After all, “if it was good enough for the Lubavitcher Rebbe to have the Seder on his own, trust me, your Seder is going to be just perfect!”
Back to top

amother
Ginger


 

Post Mon, Mar 30 2020, 6:42 am
I'm not sure how much this story actually helps. I know I can manage a halachically valid seder, and I'm using these weeks to review the halachos to make sure of that (though admittedly not on the level of the Rebbi). I also know that the Shulchan Aruch does not require an extended family or guests at the Seder. The fact that the Lubuvicher Rebbi chose to make the Seder alone doesn't mean that I will feel any less lonely.
Back to top

FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 30 2020, 6:58 am
amother [ Ginger ] wrote:
I'm not sure how much this story actually helps. I know I can manage a halachically valid seder, and I'm using these weeks to review the halachos to make sure of that (though admittedly not on the level of the Rebbi). I also know that the Shulchan Aruch does not require an extended family or guests at the Seder. The fact that the Lubuvicher Rebbi chose to make the Seder alone doesn't mean that I will feel any less lonely.


Right. I'm not on the level of the Rebbe, that's for sure. It's definitely going to be lonely.

Let us pray that in the merit of the tears we are shedding because of our loneliness, people's lives will be saved.

May we all live to see next year with our family and friends - in Jerusalem!
Back to top

amother
Blush


 

Post Mon, Mar 30 2020, 7:11 am
FranticFrummie wrote:
Right. I'm not on the level of the Rebbe, that's for sure. It's definitely going to be lonely.

Let us pray that in the merit of the tears we are shedding because of our loneliness, people's lives will be saved.

May we all live to see next year with our family and friends - in Jerusalem!


We can merit it this year!
Back to top

amother
Wine


 

Post Mon, Mar 30 2020, 11:28 am
amother [ Ginger ] wrote:
I'm not sure how much this story actually helps. I know I can manage a halachically valid seder, and I'm using these weeks to review the halachos to make sure of that (though admittedly not on the level of the Rebbi). I also know that the Shulchan Aruch does not require an extended family or guests at the Seder. The fact that the Lubuvicher Rebbi chose to make the Seder alone doesn't mean that I will feel any less lonely.


The message I got was, there have been solo sedarim before and, possibly, solo sedarim in the future (if Moshiach doesn't come first!).

We're all in the same boat. We're alone together. We're all feeling the same way-- trapped, confined, bored, lonely. But in that is the beauty. We're not alone. We have our friends and family in spirit. Our foremothers and forefathers are with us. Eliyahu haNavi is going to visit everyone, too, so there's that!

Jews have always had a knack for optimism. There's something to be said about a people who, a thousand years ago, were signing papers off with "Moshiach speedily in our days," just like we do today. We can only hope we'll all be celebrating Pesach in Yershalayim this year!
Back to top

amother
Ginger


 

Post Mon, Mar 30 2020, 12:31 pm
Quote:
But in that is the beauty. We're not alone. We have our friends and family in spirit. 


Are you going to be the sole participant at your Seder? Because if not, you're not in the same boat as me.

Nice ideas have a habit of fading away when faced with cold hard facts
Back to top

amother
Brown


 

Post Mon, Mar 30 2020, 3:19 pm
Right, and it's not just a solo seder, after attending shul & interacting with others, and knowing you will get together and see people the very next day. It's 3 days in isolation with nobody to talk to even. Then a couple of days where you can connect electronically/over the phone, then another 2 days of complete silence and isolation.
Plus. Not so inspirational coming from someone who presumably isn't faced with this (the speaker, I don't know what OP's situation is).
Back to top

SYA




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 30 2020, 6:43 pm
As a follow up, Ari Halberstam'a sister posted the following:

Since this is going around, I thought to add: (from Sara Halberstam Gutnik)

My mother told Ari to invite the Rebbe the two years after the Rebbetzin passed away. Ari was shy to ask (he was nearly 11), but he did it anyway, because my mother asked.
My mother told him to say, "My mother doesnt want the Rebbe to be alone at the Seder this year and she is inviting the Rebbe to join us".
The first year the Rebbe said, "Please, tell your mother thank you very much. I need to eat where I bentched licht" And the Rebbe called Ari back again and reminded him to thank my mother on the Rebbe's behalf.
The second year Ari repeated the same request, " My mother doesn't want the Rebbe to be alone at the Seder" and the Rebbe responded, "Please tell your mother thank you very much but I will not be alone, my shver* will be with me"

* Refers to the Rebbe's FIL, the previous Rebbe.
Back to top

amother
Crimson


 

Post Mon, Mar 30 2020, 8:30 pm
Thank you so very much for these beautiful inspiring gems!!!
( and yes I will be solo-ing but not so-low-ing Wink
Back to top

amother
Slategray


 

Post Mon, Mar 30 2020, 8:49 pm
amother [ Ginger ] wrote:
Quote:
But in that is the beauty. We're not alone. We have our friends and family in spirit. 


Are you going to be the sole participant at your Seder? Because if not, you're not in the same boat as me.

Nice ideas have a habit of fading away when faced with cold hard facts


You’re so right. Cold hard facts freeze my heart, turn it into a stone, don’t let any warm words penetrate. I know the feeling well. I see you do too. But when I open up my heart just a little to let the warmth in everything is so different. I hope we’ll both be able to do that and I hope our sedarim will be beautiful.
Back to top
Page 1 of 1 Recent Topics




Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Interesting Discussions -> Inspirational

Related Topics Replies Last Post
Prep matzah prior to seder
by amother
7 Sun, Mar 24 2024, 5:05 pm View last post
ISO purim story 6 Tue, Mar 19 2024, 6:44 pm View last post
by GLUE
Sameach b'chelko story?
by eyima
5 Sun, Mar 17 2024, 10:07 am View last post
Chilling short story about agunah 27 Tue, Mar 12 2024, 12:15 pm View last post
Has anyone used “My Seder Plate” or
by amother
4 Sun, Mar 10 2024, 7:36 pm View last post