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Telling Mother She Can't Come for Pesach
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Mar 30 2020, 9:26 am
I need to tell my mother she can't come for Pesach. I feel awful, but given the situation I feel it's the right thing to do.
First, if she stays in my house like usual (she stays the first days every year), and anyone (her or us) starts to cough or anything, everyone is going to be a nervous wreck, cooped up in the house over a 3 day Yom Tov.
Second, she's been going out to stores, other places like a laundromat, without a care in the world. She sleeps in my girls room over the Seder nights every year, and my kids are worried to have someone who hasn't been so careful to stay in their room.
Third, if she isn't feeling well, she will lie just so she can stay with us. It's happened before where she has claimed to "just have allergies" and we get sick for weeks.

I don't have siblings or other relatives she can go to. She will be totally alone.

However, it'll be a huge deal to tell her not to come....but I also believe I need to keep my family safe!

What do I do???
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hodeez




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 30 2020, 9:28 am
Tell her it's for her safety
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rachel6543




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 30 2020, 9:29 am
Be strong and say no. It’s for her and your family safety. If she cries or trantrums about it, oh well. Her problem. Not yours. Health and safety comes first! People are dying from this disease.
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Rubber Ducky




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 30 2020, 9:33 am
You need to take care of this sooner rather than later, because your mother will need to make her own preparations for at least the sedarim.

Sorry, this sounds like it's going to be unpleasant.
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rainbow baby




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 30 2020, 10:03 am
Good luck it is horrible. My mum usually goes to my brother in Israel but due to the corona she didn't go. She was staying home with me. But because of the social distancing that has come into the UK now she will be in her house. It is so painful to know she will be by herself for Sedre. But I just keep telling her mum it is our way at present to tell you we love you. I am in the process of cooking all her pesach food for her. This whole situation sucks at the moment. Xxxx
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amother
Ivory


 

Post Mon, Mar 30 2020, 10:06 am
hodeez wrote:
Tell her it's for her safety



I don't think you can give a rational logical explanation to a person who is being irrational and illogical.
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amother
Blue


 

Post Mon, Mar 30 2020, 10:11 am
Tell her to ask her dr or rav or rather you do that for her
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imorethanamother




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 30 2020, 10:14 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I need to tell my mother she can't come for Pesach. I feel awful, but given the situation I feel it's the right thing to do.
First, if she stays in my house like usual (she stays the first days every year), and anyone (her or us) starts to cough or anything, everyone is going to be a nervous wreck, cooped up in the house over a 3 day Yom Tov.
Second, she's been going out to stores, other places like a laundromat, without a care in the world. She sleeps in my girls room over the Seder nights every year, and my kids are worried to have someone who hasn't been so careful to stay in their room.
Third, if she isn't feeling well, she will lie just so she can stay with us. It's happened before where she has claimed to "just have allergies" and we get sick for weeks.

I don't have siblings or other relatives she can go to. She will be totally alone.

However, it'll be a huge deal to tell her not to come....but I also believe I need to keep my family safe!

What do I do???


I would ask a Rav what to do.
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blessedflower




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 30 2020, 10:15 am
Maybe offer to send over food if possible to make it easier for her
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amother
Lavender


 

Post Mon, Mar 30 2020, 10:24 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I need to tell my mother she can't come for Pesach. I feel awful, but given the situation I feel it's the right thing to do.
First, if she stays in my house like usual (she stays the first days every year), and anyone (her or us) starts to cough or anything, everyone is going to be a nervous wreck, cooped up in the house over a 3 day Yom Tov.
Second, she's been going out to stores, other places like a laundromat, without a care in the world. She sleeps in my girls room over the Seder nights every year, and my kids are worried to have someone who hasn't been so careful to stay in their room.
Third, if she isn't feeling well, she will lie just so she can stay with us. It's happened before where she has claimed to "just have allergies" and we get sick for weeks.

I don't have siblings or other relatives she can go to. She will be totally alone.

However, it'll be a huge deal to tell her not to come....but I also believe I need to keep my family safe!

What do I do???


Isnt your mother your family also?
but on a different note, tell your mother right now that unless she goes into strict quarantine starting today ( you would have 10 days so that should be sort of enough time) she cannot come for pesach.
in general you should anyway be threatening her to stay in quarantine, wheter she comes to you for pesach or not. if she is your mother then she falls into an older population category and perhaps does not understand the risk of going out to stores.
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amother
Linen


 

Post Mon, Mar 30 2020, 10:32 am
amother [ Ivory ] wrote:
I don't think you can give a rational logical explanation to a person who is being irrational and illogical.

So you play Broken Record until she gives up.
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Hillery




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 30 2020, 10:41 am
You should do the right thing and invite her. You only have one mother, and I'm pretty sure all those times she cleaned up your vomit or fussed over you when you were ill as a child, wasn't pleasant for her either. The torah promises longevity to those who are mechabed your father and mother.

Edit: If you have a clear psak otherwise then of course you listen to the rov. But as a general principle you bend over backwards to accomodate parents. I don't remember the details but one of the tanaaim used to get down on all fours so that his mother could use him as a stepping stool to get on to her bed. But when she told the other tanaaim about it they said that he hasn't even begun to fulfill the mitzvah of kibbed av vaeim.


Last edited by Hillery on Mon, Mar 30 2020, 10:46 am; edited 1 time in total
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banana123




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 30 2020, 10:43 am
Hillery wrote:
You should do the right thing and invite her. You only have one mother, and I'm pretty sure all those times she cleaned up your vomit or fussed over you when you were ill as a child, wasn't pleasant for her either. The torah promises longevity to those who are mechabed your father and mother.

The right thing right now is to listen to rabbanim and medical experts, and not invite anyone, especially grandparents.

This year, honoring your parents is accomplished by keeping yourself and your children away from your parents.
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amother
Linen


 

Post Mon, Mar 30 2020, 10:46 am
amother [ Lavender ] wrote:
Isnt your mother your family also?

Such a common guilt trip. Ugh, just stop.

Quote:
but on a different note, tell your mother right now that unless she goes into strict quarantine starting today ( you would have 10 days so that should be sort of enough time) she cannot come for pesach.
in general you should anyway be threatening her to stay in quarantine, wheter she comes to you for pesach or not. if she is your mother then she falls into an older population category and perhaps does not understand the risk of going out to stores.

A. Ten days is NOT enough time.
B. She can't rely on her mother to keep the quarantine or tell the truth.
C. She has no control over her mother's actions, but she DOES have control over whether she aids her mother in deliberately violating the guidelines, and whether she exposes her possibly asymptomatic carrier children to her older mother.
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anonymrs




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 30 2020, 10:53 am
Who said her mother is older?

It can't be so simple to have someone spend 3 days completely alone and cut off from the world, no phone, no computer, no distractions. I would say ask your Rav what to do.
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amother
Linen


 

Post Mon, Mar 30 2020, 12:33 pm
anonymrs wrote:
Who said her mother is older?

It can't be so simple to have someone spend 3 days completely alone and cut off from the world, no phone, no computer, no distractions. I would say ask your Rav what to do.

Her mother is obviously over 40, probably over 45, possibly over 50.

It's not about simple. There is NO QUESTION what the answer is. This isn't simple for anyone but the guidelines are clear cut.

STAY HOME, STAY SAFE.

Don't invite people. Don't go visit people.

STAY HOME. STAY SAFE.
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Mar 30 2020, 12:43 pm
amother [ Linen ] wrote:
Her mother is obviously over 40, probably over 45, possibly over 50.

It's not about simple. There is NO QUESTION what the answer is. This isn't simple for anyone but the guidelines are clear cut.

STAY HOME, STAY SAFE.

Don't invite people. Don't go visit people.

STAY HOME. STAY SAFE.


OP here: My mother is in her mid-70s.
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Mama Bear




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 30 2020, 12:47 pm
Your kids will be safe. Your mother shouldnt be leaving her house at all!
Where do you live??? in NY / NJ ppl over 60 havent been leaving their house in 2 weeks or more. I'm shocked she hasn't gotten corona yet if she's not in her house.
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amother
Azure


 

Post Mon, Mar 30 2020, 1:30 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
OP here: My mother is in her mid-70s.


Can you offer to shop for her?
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Mar 30 2020, 1:45 pm
amother [ Azure ] wrote:
Can you offer to shop for her?


OP here: I already have been doing her grocery shopping online for her.... I order on my credit card and groceries get delivered straight to her. I'm literally going broke trying to keep her from going out. Our food budget is already very tight, and I have been adding her groceries. Even with that, I can't stop her from going out completely.
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