UPDATE:How would you react? What’s your parenting philosophy

mha3484

Tue, Mar 03 2020, 12:07 pm

The thread started as asking about the explosive child so I can answer from that perspective. Ross Greene says that when demands placed on a child exceed the childs ability to meet them you get an explosion. I find that this is 1000000% true. I totally fell into this trap. I would expect things from my kids that they were not capable of and it was a full on disaster. One kid gets aggressive and one I would find hiding in his room reading a book undressed half an hour before school starts. My oldest once faked showering while hiding in his room reading because I assumed he could do it independently and he could not.

Can you work with your personal therapist on what you can realistically expect from your children and what you can shelve for now. My kids feed off of me especially my younger one who struggles with anxiety. I think if you can figure out your expectations and what is reasonable and unreasonable you might feel a lot more at peace with your situation and you would feel less hopeless.

Last edited by mha3484 on Tue, Mar 03 2020, 12:11 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Magenta

Tue, Mar 03 2020, 12:15 pm

bigsis144 wrote:

Just had my half-hour phone consultation with a highly recommended practice.

After describing the home situation, giving anecdotes of their verbal and physical violence... I got the recommendation for 1:1 parent coaching. 

I’m JUST SO TIRED. I audibly choked up on the phone and told her they need help and it can’t just be me giving it to them. I am crying actual tears now, I don’t know how much more I can add to my mental load, even though in theory a “system reboot” (as developed during the sessions) for the family with boundaries and consequences and parental authority would be nice...

Everybody seems to be stuck on the fact that they can keep it together in school. That those clear expectations and routines keep them in line.
I’m hard enough on myself for not being some ultra-organized mother... I’m just so tired

Parenting coaching may not be everything, but it's a start. In the case of a difficult marriage, one spouse alone can effect significant change even without the involvement of the other spouse. Similarly, parents can effect significant change in their children even without the involvement of the children in the plan.

What is stopping you from pursuing a psychiatric consult?

saw50st8

Tue, Mar 03 2020, 1:25 pm

bigsis144 wrote:

Many kids keep it together in school but can't at home. It's very normal. Home is safe.

Are you on facebook? There is a very good group based on Ross Greene's philosophy called "The B Team" - people really dig deep to find solutions and they post conversations so that you can see where it really comes in to play.

Try to figure out what you can ignore. Honestly, let chutzpah go. Let as many expectations go as you can. Try to figure out what is causing the explosions. Work in tiny increments.

I liked to start with small problems that I could really let go of to start with. Something where if you don't actually solve the problem it doesn't matter too much. Here is one of the first things I tackled with my son:

At night, he would be reading and I would tell him that it was bedtime. He would say "OK one minute" and then never actually stopped. I was getting frustrated because I knew he needed sleep and ignoring me was kind of annoying too. Here's how our conversation (basically) went:

Me: I noticed that you had trouble going up to bed last night. What's going on?
DS: I was trying to finish the chapter but then I just kept reading. I forgot to stop.
Me: Why did you want to get to the end of the chapter?
DS: I find it hard to remember where I stopped and I don't like to reread pages the next time.
Me: I'm concerned that you need to stop for bedtime because you need enough sleep and it is annoying to have to keep reminding you. Can you think of any solutions?
DS: Can I finish the page when you tell me and then I will always know where I am up to?
Me: Will it bother you to stop mid paragraph? That would definitely bother me.
DS: Nope.

We tried it. It worked beautifully.

This was obviously a relatively easy one to solve. Try those kind of things so that you can practice and have lots of little wins. It is easier to deal with the big stuff when you aren't always dealing with the little stuff too.

bigsis144

Wed, Apr 01 2020, 12:08 pm

Not necessarily kid related, but I figure this I my most “recognizable” thread...

I’m actually dropping my husband off at the hospital now. He’s been sick at home with covid19 for the past week but after a few scary times he couldn’t catch his breath his pulmonologist (DH is asthmatic) said he should go to the hospital.

Daven for Nachum Moshe ben Devorah.

The floor of my expectations just keeps going lower and lower, I’m in terminator “just keep going” mode right now. I’ll get emotional eventually, I suppose, but I’m in survival mode now.

Wishing you and yours health and strength and a chag kasher v’sameach