Home
Log in / Sign Up
    Private Messages   Advanced Search   Rules   New User Guide   FAQ   Advertise   Contact Us  
Forum -> Coronavirus Health Questions
When someone close is niftar but not sitting shiva



Post new topic   Reply to topic View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother
OP


 

Post Fri, Apr 03 2020, 5:56 pm
I'm curious about how people act when let's say a brother in law is niftar or close cousin. How does that work as far as you going about your life. I see a few people posting online or responding to emails at work and I know that a close relative of their's was niftar this week. Of course I am not judging. I was never in this situation but I am truly curious as to what the protocol is or how this works. Can anyone shed light or educate me?
Back to top

amother
OP


 

Post Fri, Apr 03 2020, 5:58 pm
Also, I see even people sitting shiva, responding to texts and emails. Is that the norm or is it due to the isolation that we are now experiencing now? I am asking for insight and understanding.
Back to top

amother
Bisque


 

Post Fri, Apr 03 2020, 6:29 pm
I just sat shiva during this quarantine. Of course we responded to texts and emails and other electronic communication because that's the only way we had to talk to people.
Back to top

amother
Silver


 

Post Fri, Apr 03 2020, 6:33 pm
amother [ Bisque ] wrote:
I just sat shiva during this quarantine. Of course we responded to texts and emails and other electronic communication because that's the only way we had to talk to people.


I’m so sorry for your loss. And to sit shiva in isolation! No words. May Hashem bring you and your family a full Nechama and may you only have simchos from now on
Back to top

agreer




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Apr 03 2020, 6:52 pm
If not actually sitting why wouldn't you respond to emails if you have the time? I don't get the question.
Back to top

zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Apr 03 2020, 6:57 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I'm curious about how people act when let's say a brother in law is niftar or close cousin. How does that work as far as you going about your life. I see a few people posting online or responding to emails at work and I know that a close relative of their's was niftar this week. Of course I am not judging. I was never in this situation but I am truly curious as to what the protocol is or how this works. Can anyone shed light or educate me?


Life goes on. There is no halachic mourning for relatives for whom one doesn't sit shiva.Please don't try to impose added restrictions where there are none. Everyone responds in his or her own way. Some aren't much affected, and that's fine. Some people mourn internally and don't show their feelings and that's fine. Some are melancholy and don't feel like attending parties and whatnot, and that's also fine unless it goes on for a long time, in which case it's not fine. One is under no obligation to mourn a brother-in-law or cousin in a conspicuous way. If there were such an obligation, an individual blessed with a large extended family could conceivably be in almost perpetual mourning.

The immediate family has the "privilege" of deepest public grief. I think it would be disrespectful to them for a more distant relative to take on the customs of avelus. It would also be very disrespectful of your own immediate family to take on a mode of grief for a cousin or brother-in-law that should be reserved for immediate family.

More appropriate would be to do something in the memory of the deceased, like giving money to tzedaka in their memory, starting a gmach or funding a scholarship in their memory, planting trees in Israel, learning mishnayos or saying tehillim as an 'iluy" for their neshama, whatever suits your temperament and budget.
Back to top

zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Apr 03 2020, 7:00 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I'm curious about how people act when let's say a brother in law is niftar or close cousin. How does that work as far as you going about your life. I see a few people posting online or responding to emails at work and I know that a close relative of their's was niftar this week. Of course I am not judging. I was never in this situation but I am truly curious as to what the protocol is or how this works. Can anyone shed light or educate me?


Shiva is not about social isolation but the exact reverse: it's about friends coming to comfort one. We don't open a convo with the morners but wait for them to talk first. Once they start, you can talk with them. I would assume that opening a letter or text is the electronic version of starting to talk. They wouldn't open the text if they didn't want to read it. It's a perfectly acceptable, if not ideal, form of nichum avelim. If I were ch"v sitting shiva and my BFF lived across the globe so her day was my night, I'd be very happy to get a nichum avelim text from her.
Back to top

Elfrida




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Apr 04 2020, 1:41 pm
Normally people in this position would be able to feel involved by helping with the practical details of the Shiva; arranging meals, chairs, taking out garbage, making coffee and all the little things. Optionally, they would visit the aveilim every day or two.

Now everything has to be more distant, and there is little room for all these extra services. Those who aren't sitting shiva don't have an outlet for their grief. One can say Tehillim or give give tzedakah.

I sat shiva a few years ago, and since we were sitting in one country, while I live in another, I was getting a lot of emails from my friends. My father, who had his friends locally, didn't look at his computer for the week. Whenever it was quiet I was checking and responding to emails. Now, when no one can visit a Shiva, emails and texts are the natural way to give comfort.
Back to top

oneofakind




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Apr 04 2020, 11:39 pm
Some Chassidim have minhagim like close relatives who didn't sit Shiva don't attend happy occasion s for a certain amount of time. Don't know the details.
It happens to be somewhat difficult when you are expected to function normally because you aren't immediate family but lost someone like an in-law.
Back to top

amother
Maroon


 

Post Sat, Apr 04 2020, 11:42 pm
Aveilim can respond to texts and emails-chances are they are condolence messages, or very important.

As far as a close family memeber- I responded to emails and went to work during the week of my father in law's shivah. I was very sad too.
Back to top

amother
Periwinkle


 

Post Sun, Apr 05 2020, 12:26 am
oneofakind wrote:
Some Chassidim have minhagim like close relatives who didn't sit Shiva don't attend happy occasion s for a certain amount of time. Don't know the details.
It happens to be somewhat difficult when you are expected to function normally because you aren't immediate family but lost someone like an in-law.


I've learned that children of aveilim do not go to weddings /simchos while their parents are sitting Shiva. But I believe that's bc of kibbud av veim not cuz of mourning... Like how can you dance at a wedding when your parent is r"l sitting Shiva? It's disrespectful. (but there are variations of this... If you're ur in the same city/if your father is sitting, it's more strict). This applies to all, not just chassidim.
Back to top
Page 1 of 1 Recent Topics




Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Coronavirus Health Questions

Related Topics Replies Last Post
Can someone help me find my size in dress blank clothing?
by amother
4 Wed, Mar 27 2024, 12:44 pm View last post
Can someone please explain laser my daughter wants full body
by amother
24 Wed, Mar 20 2024, 3:36 pm View last post
Can someone find me a dress for bar mitzvah?
by amother
1 Tue, Mar 19 2024, 6:16 am View last post
Taking away someone's pesach cleaning help - spin off
by amother
50 Sun, Mar 17 2024, 3:13 am View last post
Any1 know someone tht come to house for Manicure in Bp?
by yentee
4 Sun, Mar 17 2024, 3:00 am View last post