What would u do im just so angry

amother

Sun, Apr 05 2020, 12:12 am

Angry @ my sons theripist. His theripist called me up telling me that my son shared with him that he got himself a laptop. He wants it for typing toires. My ds was afraid to come ask us , he knew the answer would be a no so he went to discuss it with his therapist. To me it seemed very much like his therapist supported him with it . Theripist asked me what I say about it and what can be done. Now , first of all I told the therapist that going behind back to get a laptop is very unacceptable to me . Theripist claims that the laptop is very clean and it has nothing in it . I still dont trust it and im very uncomfortable. My husband checked it out as well, he says it looks clean. I mean can I really trust a 16 year old that he will keep clean a laptop? I think its naive to think this way. My husband is not this strong person that would know how to handel this , so end of story is that my son has it. his therapist doesnt seem to do much about it, and I feel its a responsibility. My husband asked theripist if he would allow his child having it and he answered no . Why cant he work with my son out he shouldn't keep it?! He didn't even give us guidance how to approach my son . I think its far from professional. He is the theripist he should know how to deal with my son and atleast give a plan to me and my dh. He only deals with my son , hardly involves me and my dh into the picture, its only when me or dh try to reach him a couple of times ,only then we get to talk but things arent moving . Would u trust your son? I know my son is erlich and far from struggling bh in yiddishkiet, but this can really end badly cv . I feel now that its the theripist responsibility. he was very ok that my son has it . I think its terrible! Even he is a frum boy he can still have taaves . Im beyond lost . Dont know whar step im suppose to take.

crust

Sun, Apr 05 2020, 12:38 am

So many questions here. 🤦‍♀️

Is he a licensed therapist?

Why is your son in therapy in first place?

So, you never reach the therapist but now the therapist called you?

What was his goal with this phone call?

Didn't you see your son buying a laptop? Its not like a box of cigarettes.

How's your overall relationship with your son?
Can he share things with you without being judged?

Where did your son have the money from?

How will he have access to internet? I hope you know a computer is nothing. Internet is.

What are his interests otherwise?

Why isn't your husband afraid?

If your husband is not afraid, why are you?

Do you have a competent rav that understands this situation?

Who is your therapist? Your husbands? Where do you get your guidance from?

amother

Sun, Apr 05 2020, 12:39 am

HonesttoGod wrote:

The therapist has no right to divulge that information to you unless your son allowed him to do so.
This isn’t a life or death situation - he shouldn’t have repeated it.

My ds asked his therapist to call me . He wanted us to know just he didn't know how to confront us and of course it has to be open communication.

Just One

Sun, Apr 05 2020, 12:39 am

Is this a licensed therapist? It sounds really strange that he came to talk to you about this and that there's even an expectation that he'll influence your son to give up his laptop. This isn't therapy at all. I'm assuming you're talking about a non licensed coach/mashpia. If so that's a different story.
Regarding the laptop you need to know whether this is a battle you can win. You can have internet capability permanently disabled if that makes you feel better

amother

Sun, Apr 05 2020, 12:53 am

Ora in town wrote:

Did your son explicitely allow his therapist to tell you about the computer?

Because if not, the therapist broke your son's trust and also the ethical code of confidentiality...

Yes yes my son did give permission for his therapist to call us . My son really didnt wanna go behind us and felt uncomfortable asking us directly, I assume he didn wanna hear a no . He has quite an ok relationship with us its just when he wants something badly he will give all his power to get what he wants, and he is a typical teen-ager maybe even above typical. I haven't had yet a conversation with my son about this , but trying to think of a way how to approach this.
We never brought into our house a laptop . We do have a big screen to watch but no internet. I very much hope he doesn't have any internet on his. My husband is not so worried. I am.

life is fun

Sun, Apr 05 2020, 12:59 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

My ds asked his therapist to call me . He wanted us to know just he didn't know how to confront us and of course it has to be open communication.

So the therapist did not breach confidentiality of ds.

I see the issue here more that ds wanted a laptop and got it behind your back before letting you find out about it.
I can understand your worries and that you would rather he doesn't have one. But not letting a 16 year old do/have what most do nowadays may result him doing more things behind your back and you may not find out about it through him because he worries that you disapprove.
By allowing him to use it within boundaries you are both winners.
And he will learn that a laptop isnt just bad and can be used appropriately, for good things too.

Not an easy thing to handle if its against your ideals...

Hatslocho!!!

crust

Sun, Apr 05 2020, 1:00 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Ok. So can the therapist guide you how to approach him?

If you want to take my "not proffesional but regular parent to many teenagers advice", please dont ask him if it has internet.

Dont show him that you dont trust him.

Show him that you trust him with his purchase.

Tell him you appreciate that he didnt go behind your back and told the therapist to tell you.

And then, until you dont have real life guidance please dont broach this subject again.

Good luck

Ravenclaw

Sun, Apr 05 2020, 1:29 am

Your son sounds like a good boy, and he is really reaching out and trying to be open with you by asking his therapist to call you. That’s a good thing. I know it might be hard to allow him to do something you wouldn’t normally allow, but he obviously really wants this and you can show him you trust him.
I would maybe discuss with the therapist how to approach the topic of installing a filter on the computer so that you don’t have to worry about internet. You don’t want to push your son away, so make sure it’s done in a way that your son feels like you understand him and simply have a suggestion that will make everyone more comfortable.
As for the therapist, he seems fine (from the little you told us). A therapist is a therapist to the child, not for you or to “fix” the child the way you might think he should. It’s hard to step back, and while there should be communication, he is there for your son first.

I think instead of concentrating on the laptop, concentrate on the fact that your son wanted to share this with you instead of hiding it like some kids do. He seems to want an open relationship.

amother

Ruby

Sun, Apr 05 2020, 1:48 am

The therapist is not an authority figure. Unless your son was planning on harming himself or others, the therapist is not supposed to tell him what to do or what not to do.

Unless, as others said, this isn't a therapist at all, but some sort of religious coach or something.

But your standard therapist is not supposed to be allowing or disallowing anything - that's your job as parents.

lilies

Sun, Apr 05 2020, 9:21 am

This deserves another mention; a licensed therapist vs a mashpia/mentor makes a big difference.

How long your son is seeing this person makes a big difference too. If he's been seeing someone for a year and this comes up - it doesn't seem like you're heading in the right direction.

Aside for all this, your relationship with the 'therapist' as well as your husband's should be positive and well-balanced. Yes, he needs to respect your son's privacy but you are all supposed to feel like a team. With a goal of helping your son.

FranticFrummie

Sun, Apr 05 2020, 9:34 am

In addition to a filter, I have a good idea.

YOU keep the laptop in your possession. When he needs it for school work, have him use it in a common area where there is another adult. If you're working in the kitchen, then he needs to be at the kitchen table. If you are chilling in the living room, he needs to be in there with you.

I promise you, nobody, regardless of their teivah, is going to be looking at inappropriate things while a parent is 5 feet away.

Just make it a flat house rule, and that's that.

(I would also like to know where he got that much money, and how he hid it from you.)

After you've calmed down, ask yourself why DS is so afraid to speak to you directly, and needs a therapist to act as a "buffer". IMHO, this is your main problem, not the computer.

Rappel

Sun, Apr 05 2020, 9:39 am

I understand you feel betrayed. But that is your personal feelings, and has nothing to do with your son.

Now is your chance to accept your son and his life path, to tell him you appreciate his honesty, and teach him how to use his technology safely and intelligently. Your can lay down house rules - ex: "I don't want you to show it to your siblings, or use it in the main room" - but he's old enough that you cannot rule his actions.

If you take it from him, guilt him, or grow angry at him, then he will reject your opinion as nonsense. He essentially already has. Your only possible influence now must come from a place of acceptance.