Some Thoughts on Sitting Shiva in Quarantine

PinkandYellow

Wed, Apr 08 2020, 1:13 am

Losing a loved one is one of the most difficult, heart wrenching challenges there are in life. When public tragedy occurs (ie pandemic, terrorist attack or natural disaster) and losses are exponential, the grief that so many face is extreme and painful. My mother was niftar recently, after battling cancer for many years. For many years, I had a certain vision of what the shiva (with my grandfather, father, siblings, aunts and uncle) would be like: tons of people, from all walks of life, would come visit; there would be lots of hugging and crying and laughing; stories about my mother would be told; my siblings and I would provide 'insignificant' anecdotes and life's little tidbits; and through it all, I would be well on my way to proper healing. Shiva is designed to jump start the healing process, it is supposed to be therapeutic as people come visit and talk about the deceased and provide chizuk to the family, enabling the family members to move on in the future in an instrumental healthy manner. My actual shiva experience totally shattered my dream to heal and the expected catharsis was gone. It was deeply painful to wait by the phone for hours, hoping and hoping that someone would call, so that I could feel the warmth and nechama that I desperately craved. People currently sitting shiva have no visitors and furthermore, many family members are sitting alone. This is not conducive to the healing process or the purpose of shiva, albeit the will of the Creator. As the death rate climbs, and because there are no visitors to a 'shiva house', and friends and relatives are limited in the way that they can be menachem avel, the mourners are stuck having to be "menachem avel themselves". Unfortunately, it is extremely painful to sit and wait for people to call or zoom a shiva call. Whether you are a close friend, a remote acquaintance or a friend from very long ago, it is especially important during these trying times, that people make the effort and take just a couple minutes out of the day to call a mourner. It doesn't matter if you don't know what to say. The connection provided to the avel for that 1-3 minute phone call can be very meaningful to them and go a long way to break their feelings of isolation. The few minutes may not be significant to the one 'paying the shiva call', but I can assure you, it can make the world of a difference to the mourner!

Sincerely,
R.S., S.B., S.N.F.

grace413

Wed, Apr 08 2020, 1:26 am

BDE. I'm sorry for your loss and for your loss of a shiva that would both honor your mother and meet your emotional needs.

My FIL was niftar recently and it was very sad that the siblings could not be together and that nobody could come.

Perhaps you would like to share some stories about your mother with us.

May Hashem comfort you.

BatyaEsther

Wed, Apr 08 2020, 1:32 am

Thank you for your post. You just motivated me to make a call which I was sitting on the fence about, feeling awkward, as we are neighbors but not particularly close. May you have nechama and in the zechut of your inspiring others to be menachem avel, may your mother's neshama have an aliya.

amother

Wheat

Wed, Apr 08 2020, 1:39 am

I am so so sorry for your loss. And I am really sorry this situation led you to experience less healing and comfort.

Thank you for bringing this up. It is very confusing to try to guess what people want. I wish it was easier to figure because people do care and want to do for you whatever they can to help you feel comforted and cared about, because truly, people do care.

I just discussed this with someone last night. They were debating if they should call someone not very close but a constant presence from childhood years who is sitting. On one hand someone had said please don't call & made their wishes known. But on the other hand, on misaskim people are posting cell #'s and some are saying text only, some aren't specifying. Sometimes people felt it was rude to text. Others felt if you've been out of touch forever, maybe it isn't an approiate time for a reunion.

I appreciated you posting this, I will be pm'ing you.

amother

Goldenrod

Wed, Apr 08 2020, 2:09 am

I just sat shiva alone three months ago
No one in my community bothered to come it was announced in my kids school email my siblings live out of state now my father is dying and we hope he can still get buried in isreal

mig100

Wed, Apr 08 2020, 2:44 am

Hamakom yenachem eschem.

This pains me so much. My heart breaks for you.

ROFL

Wed, Apr 08 2020, 11:07 am

As I was sitting shiva for The first time for my sister I also felt that way. The inability of hearing stories of good things she had done to the world which I know there Were many, Is a loss that I always will fill

I will tell you one story that someone Shared. A total stranger. He called and told us that he was overweight and was always failing at diets. My sister offered to get off the train near his home and walk with him to work. That started him with walking a bit to get healthier.

ROFL

Wed, Apr 08 2020, 11:48 am

As I was sitting shiva for The first time for my sister I also felt that way. The inability of hearing stories of good things she had done to the world which I know there Were many, Is a loss that I always will fill

I will tell you one story that someone shared A total stranger. He called and told us that he was overweight and was always failing at diets. My sister offered to get off the train near his home and walk with him to work. That started him with walking a bit to get healthier.

Wed, Apr 08 2020, 1:59 pm

Out of town and I felt isolated from my family by distance. But completely isolated emotionally by my community.
I am telling myself that while I “sat shiva” already I don’t feel it did what it was meant to do - give a pathway for healing- when I’m able to be with family we will be able to actually get the benefits of being together in mourning

amother

Gray

Sat, Apr 11 2020, 6:18 pm

My mother lost her sister a day before pessach. She had cancer for a few months. My mother was extremely close to her and visited her twice since she was diagnosed (a few hours flight )
Losing her was a big shock to all of us . My mother is the only siblings living far away but they all sat themselves .
We couldn't go be menachem uvel.
We sent around texts to all our cousins and my mothers friends asking them to call her
She was overwhelmed with calls and messages. Lots of support. She said it made it easier for her knowing how many ppl care

I wish someone would have done the same to u . U need to talk to your loved ones

I was very worried how my mother will go in to a 3 days chag after sitting shiva for only24 hours . We visited her from the window and she said she was fine

Nobody should go through such pain on their own
Hashem should comfort you and your family

ra_mom

Sat, Apr 11 2020, 9:40 pm

Hamakom Yinachem Es'chem B'soch Sha'ar Aveilei Tzion V'yerushalayim. I am so so sorry for your loss.