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I feel like one big failure as a parent . Its hard to be a p



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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Apr 30 2020, 11:47 pm
I grew up in a very overwhelmed, traumatic, abusive , u name it. Background. Never healed fully. Im having a tremendous hard time with running my house healthy . I have my good parts, that I try to be calm with lots and lots of things that I couldve looked @ differently. Im good to my kids the best I can . Listen to them, Emotionally their for them and trying to be empathetic, and close with them . Tho, my dh has a very different way of parenting then I , and my kids have different type of relationship with me then with my husband . It bothers me that im trying mostly to hide the fact that were not always on the same page with our parenting, my kids pick that up . Example: my ds just had a disagreement with my dh, my dh approached him for something my dh wasnt happy what he did and he responded to my dh why he did...... I thought my ds had a point which I think relisticly my son was right but I didnt say anything , yet he came crying to me asking for my input, I said its between u and tatty im not involving myself.
Now, I really did not like my sons answer.
I was shocked to hear from ds that he saw on my phone a message I once sent to my husband saying the kids are right so he wants me to send again ... I was devastated. First, for him reading my messages without permission, and reading something he shouldnt know of.
I feel like a terrible terrible parent !!! I dont anymore know how to show up in this house . My 10 year old keeps complaining that it bothers him that im not on the same page as my husband since he sees lots of disagreements between us . Truth is our marriage is very ok. We dont fight., we like each others and the kids see that too , I think we have normal disagreements which is not in a fighting way. We move on , we have good times , I can just loose my sanity more now with kids on top of my head 24 hours, they literally hardly let me breathe, if I go into my room to rest , they hang along. I do send them out just it takes strength untill they listen to me . If I raise my voice they scream that I scare them that they feel the walls shake from my yelling . I dont wanna look like a scary person to them , its just THEY ARENT LISTENING TO ME !!! I told them I don't like when I have to repeat again and again and again wht I have to say , I wish I didnt have to raise my voice.
I dont know myself anymore what a healthy environment looks like. we do get the kids occupation all the time, We play with them, I read to them , I feed them , I even bake with them . Its just when they act out and dont seem to listen a word ...
what is missing in this house ?! The kids are good as long as they aren't disciplined . They hate authority. I cannot handel this !!! I feel so sad and eaten up . I want a stable healthy house . Its hard for me to stay calm when dc are misbehaving badly . Its after 11 p.m. im in bed knocked out and they still needy . How do other ppl do it???
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amother
Ecru


 

Post Thu, Apr 30 2020, 11:54 pm
You sound like a very loving mother. But kids need discipline as well as love. Do you give them rules and structure?
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das




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 01 2020, 12:03 am
I agree with the amother above. Your kids need limits--and not by you screaming at them.

I strongly suggest you get somebody to guide you in firmly setting limits.
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amother
OP


 

Post Fri, May 01 2020, 12:06 am
My kids obey the rules in my house . We do have structures and rules. They arent respecting it.
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amother
Ecru


 

Post Fri, May 01 2020, 12:16 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
My kids obey the rules in my house . We do have structures and rules. They arent respecting it.

I could be wrong, but it almost sounds from your original post like you view your kids as the judge and jury of whether you are a good mother or not. You say they tell you not to yell, and you try to explain to them that it's hard for you when they don't listen.

Kids don't want to listen to parents; that's how it is. We are all lazy by nature and don't want someone on top of us telling us what to do. But you don't have to explain or excuse yourself to your kids, and they're not the ones who get to say if you're a good parent. You need to be a confident mother who doesn't rely on the approval of her kids. Don't be scared of telling them what to do, it's your job after all!
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amother
Coffee


 

Post Fri, May 01 2020, 4:19 am
Welcome in the parent's world:
We put limit.children break them.
We forbid them to touch our phone ,we have 10 selfie of them on it.
Dad forbid computer they ask mum.
Mum say "dad said no" answer of the kid" but you never listen to dad !I saw you!!"
We always scream to much.They are so "scared" of us!(but they never do what we ask).
Welcome in the mother's world:
Every night she cry in her bed that she is the worst mother!
She replay all her day.all the terrible things she did to her kids.All the terrible words the kids told to her.All the "fight"she had with dad(sometimes in front of the kids).
She knows that everyone around her is a better mother!
Just kidding!
Be confident with your kids .you seem a very normal and loving mother.And they seem to be very normals children.
Children need limit and (inside of them )they are very happy when they feel that you are the boss (with dad).But they are kids and they do (and will do) everything to break them...
Be confident . it's very very important.đź‘Ť
Gut shabbess!
Enjoy your life ♥️♥️♥️
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amother
Azure


 

Post Fri, May 01 2020, 5:33 am
OP have you considered joining the forum for women from Severely Abused Households?
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amother
Coffee


 

Post Fri, May 01 2020, 6:23 am
amother [ Azure ] wrote:
OP have you considered joining the forum for women from Severely Abused Households?

You're serious or making fun of her?
Are you ok?
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amother
Azure


 

Post Fri, May 01 2020, 6:44 am
amother [ Coffee ] wrote:
You're serious or making fun of her?
Are you ok?


Yes I'm serious.
Yes I'm okay.
I'm a member on that forum.

OP's first lines were: I grew up in a very overwhelmed, traumatic, abusive , u name it. Background. Never healed fully.

Sounds like she would benefit from talking to people who grew up in similar background.
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Iymnok




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 01 2020, 6:55 am
OP, a kids strongest tool is to divide and conquer. If one parent says no, they ask the other. You usually don’t need to give immediate answers. You and your husband could go and confer first. You can tell them that you’ll get back to them.
If the rules aren’t followed, consequences are needed. They do not need to be severe punishments, just something to send the message.
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amother
Coffee


 

Post Sat, May 02 2020, 6:43 pm
amother [ Azure ] wrote:
Yes I'm serious.
Yes I'm okay.
I'm a member on that forum.

OP's first lines were: I grew up in a very overwhelmed, traumatic, abusive , u name it. Background. Never healed fully.

Sounds like she would benefit from talking to people who grew up in similar background.

Sorry, I understand you!
You are right it can be very good!!
(I guess op is always scared to act like her parents and she doesn't know what's normal boundaries or abusive..)
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