I’m sad that I’m not excited.

PeanutMama

Sun, May 03 2020, 3:31 pm

It’s a long story. Basically I struggle in the emunah and bitachon part of Judaism, and I barely even daven. Sure I talk to hashem, but that’s super rare.
Anyway, so my husband told me last night that he wanted to surprise me by buying us all a ticket to eretz yisroel for a few weeks after the coronavirus is over. He wants us to go together as a family.
Long story short I guess he was kinda hurt I wasn’t as enthusiastic as he thought I would’ve been and I feel bad. I said “oh..that’s nice. Sounds good.”
Sure I would love to go to eretz yisroel and daven at the kosel, but now I’m just spiritually not “there” yet.
Sad

flowerpower

Sun, May 03 2020, 3:36 pm

That is so special of him! I imagine that once you are standing by the kosel and other historical places you will feel what you aren’t feeling yet. A lot of people go to EY to get some spiritual uplifting.

amother

Aquamarine

Sun, May 03 2020, 3:36 pm

It's a special feeling just being there, even if you don't formally daven.
Take one of the tunnel tours at the western wall. I highly recommend the one given by Barnea Selavan (he has a website). It was highly moving and made the times of the Bais Hamikdosh come alive for me.

Elfrida

Sun, May 03 2020, 3:43 pm

On the most basic level, once this is over a break will be good for you, and Israel will be just as good as going anywhere else. Make sure the trip includes time to relax, not just spiritual enrichment.

As for the Kotel, it can have it's own effect. Instead if saying you are not in a level to appreciate it, just go there and be open to the experience. You don't have to gave a spiritual revelation. Once you've been to the Kotel once, you can begin to understand it and wait to go back.

Living in Jerusalem I have the privilege of being able to go to the Kotel whenever I feel like it. So for years I would go occasionally, but mostly I didn't bother. The past few weeks, when acssess to the Kotel has been limited to residents of the Old City, and I've had to beg the guards to let me in, I've finally realized how much it means.

amother

Bisque

Sun, May 03 2020, 3:43 pm

A lot of people go there for fun.
And OP, it’s ok. Hashem loves you anyway.
Even if it’s hard for you to daven.
Even if it’s hard for you with Emuna and bitachon.
As long as you are not an apikorus and doing stuff just to anger Him you have nothing to worry about.
You can say once a day in your own words
“Gd please help me feel close to you”.
Women are obligated to daven because they also need mercy. ( “Nashim b’ai rachamai”)
But even these 8 words is enough if you’re not up to more.

amother

White

Sun, May 03 2020, 3:47 pm

Is it the spiritual aspects only that are making you unexcited? I know when my dh wanted to book a regular vacation, I couldn't even think about it. Coronavirus, kids home, world upside down, it's hard to think too much about vacation. Also I tend to get stressed about the practical-how difficult the flight will be with the kids, trying to pack, finding somewhere to stay etc.
Have you ever been before?
Make a bucket list of the places you'd like to visit and don't dwell too much on the spiritual.

I might not be so great at the formal davening, but I try and say my little prayers-please help me to stay calm, please let it only be the small cup of drink that spilt, not the whole bottle, etc etc. Try to include Him in your life, with the silly things and the bigger things. I found that really helped my connection.

thunderstorm

Sun, May 03 2020, 3:55 pm

No pressure! Think of it as going on a trip to a new country. Nothing more. I wasn’t excited to go either (for my first time at age 36) but once I got there , it was so nice and I really felt good being there. It had a familiarity, as if I’ve been there many times before.
Don’t feel guilty for not being excited. Your excitement will build up as you get closer to the travel day.
And of course tell DH thank you for planning the trip and that even though you don’t feel hyped up now you’ll be in the spirit when the day arrives.

amother

Khaki

Sun, May 03 2020, 3:58 pm

amother [ White ] wrote:

All of this.

PeanutMama

Sun, May 03 2020, 4:08 pm

Thanks everyone! I was there a little over a year before I met my husband. It was really special...I went with a friend and we were there for Rosh hashonah and Yom Kippur.. I loved it and I never wanted to leave.

But wow. So much has changed since then.

octopus

Sun, May 03 2020, 4:17 pm

Whenever my dh mentions a trip, I'm super unexcited. I tell dh that I dont want to psych myself up , only to be disappointed. Trips,with kids, are hard . and then I have a great time!!! So its OK if you are unexcited right now. Iyh you will have a great time!

amother

Red

Sun, May 03 2020, 4:34 pm

Disclaimer: I love love love Israel. There are so many wonderful things to do there that aren’t necessarily “spiritual.” Dead Sea, Ein Gedi, great restaurants..etc. but IMO the best part is being in a country where we’re all one family.
Do you feel uncomfortable about your feelings because you or DH are dissatisfied with your spiritual level? Do you feel that you “should” be a better davener? It might be worthwhile to try to understand where your discomfort is coming from.