I'm at my wit's end!

amother

Thu, May 07 2020, 2:54 am

I think my 5 year old's love language is acts of service. Either that or she's extremely lazy and difficult. Or both. She will sit at the table and ask all of us to get something for her. When we tell her to get it herself she says she's not in the mood to get up. I'm talking about age appropriate things for her to get, like if we're eating dinner and she wants ketchup. She can easily reach it in the fridge and carry it herself.

Today, for example, she got strawberry jam all over her face at lunch. I told her to go wash up, but she wanted me to get her a damp paper towel. I was busy with the baby and told her to get it herself. She refused and then had an epic meltdown. DH ended up interrupting his work to carry her to the bathroom and wash her up.

It's like this all.the.time. She refuses to listen to a thing I say. If I tell her to do something she asks what will happen if she doesn't. Or she'll ask me why but won't actually care about the answer. Logic doesn't work on her. Rewards don't work on her. Threats don't work and punishment only leads to tantrums or stubborn silence. I'm really at a loss!

salt

Thu, May 07 2020, 3:38 am

I'm not an expert in love languages, but from what I've read on imamother, if someone's love language is acts of service, he will also perform acts of service for others, as that is his way of showing love.
But that might only go for adults, I'm not sure, as children are essentially more selfish.

What would have happened had you not got the ketchup? I often say to my kids, if you want me to bring you X you'll have to wait as I'm busy now/ or wait till I'm in that room/ etc, but if you want it now, then you get it yourself.
Either they wait till I can, or they get it.
If she'd has a meltdown in such a case, you might have to be strong and ignore her.

silverlining3

Thu, May 07 2020, 5:49 am

May I ask if she's a second child? (No clue your age). Heard from a few people that their 2nd child is the hardest, INCLUDING my 5 yr old. I'm in the same situation and don't know what to do about it anymore. It's not only not getting what she wants. She's my mischievous kid! But, I won't leave out that she's extremely caring and loving of my now 20 month old baby, always was! I trust him more in her hands than my almost 7 yr old. I'll give just 1 example. When he was pretty newborn and screeching I told my older to go give pacifier. She went, pushed it into his mouth, and came back saying he's not calming down. So I sent my 5 yr old. She was so so gentle with him, so lovely made him cozy by putting blanket by his face and rocked him till he was quiet. Was very cute to see. I make sure to compliment her on the good things she does. I also do as one poster said, if you want it now get/do it yourself. If not you got to wait till I'm avail. Sometimes it works sometimes not.

Ora in town

Thu, May 07 2020, 6:07 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Oh, well... reminds me...

Children sometimes react like that when they are in need of positive attention. When babies are born and absorb so much energy and attention, children somtimes feel shortchanged Subjectively they have a keener perception of the time I spend with the baby than all the things I do with them. Subjectively, it makes no difference to them whether it is a necessity, like changing diapers or an evil plot on my part to favor the baby over them.

What really happens inside me, when such demands (like "wipe my face") are made in such impossible situations (changing diapers), is that I am frustrated, because I would love to do what the child wants, but I can't... And before I notice, this frustration turns into anger, anger at the one who makes the demand. The real feeling behind my anger is "Darling, I would love to wipe your face now" (but it's impossible and I am frustrated that it's impossible). In some situations, I managed not to make this jump from frustration to anger. I could just accept the fact that I cannot fullfill her wish, but expressed my regret in a positive way ("Darling, I would love to wipe your face"). That works wonders...The child knows that they are still loved, they get positive attention rather than negative, even though I had still not fullfilled their wish... I came to the conclusion that it is more important to keep a positive pattern of communication than to fullfill wishes or demands.

I also discovered, generally in life, that it is better to organise things in a way that I will not lose out when the children will not comply, and that they have everything to gain when they comply... to take up your example with the ketchup bottle, which you handled perfectly: we don't need to blame the children for trying... it's their good right... but we also don't need to comply... so we can easily remain friendly, upbeat, positive... without getting the ketchup, without looking for a solution... This way, we do not have to waste energy on a problem that is really theirs: either they get the ketchup if they want it, or they don't, and that's fine too... We don't have to be involved in this decision process...