Which friendship is more valuable- women or dh?

amother

Mon, May 25 2020, 12:58 pm

I am an older woman (50s), married many years bh.

As I have gotten older I keep hearing that it is vital for women to establish and maintain female friendships for when they are older and Chas vasholom widows. Friendships are an investment in a future where one might not have a husband in good health or living.

I have been told that the happiest women have many girlfriends who will be their support even when the men are gone (statistically many women outlive their husband).

My problem is that I am not a very social person and my dh and kids have really been my main company for decades. I really don't have the desire to make new friends or purposely spend time arranging coffee dates or activities or groups of women friends. Most of my friends I would see on Shabbos or yom Tov at shul or meals and that is enough for me. (Not now of course during lock down).

So, am I making a big mistake? Should I try more to hang out, call or get together with friends when I really don't want to make the effort? I get exhausted by too much social activity as an introvert. Will I end up lonely and alone?

amother

Silver

Mon, May 25 2020, 1:08 pm

I wouldn't worry.
It sounds like you have that relationship with your kids.
Additionally, most friendships are born out of necessity and convenience and come and go as the need arises.
If the need arises, they will come.

amother

Ivory

Mon, May 25 2020, 1:13 pm

I regret letting go of so many of my female friends. Even now when I'm busy with my household and my husband is a great friend. There's nothing like female friendship. I just didn't have the seichel to keep it up and getting it back is not easy.
I find my husband's daily routine automatically sets him up to maintain friendships. With shul and even work he's constantly in contact with his friends. And I feel left out.
Etd: everyone is different. And you know your self. If family is good enough for you. I wouldn't stress it.

amother

Puce

Mon, May 25 2020, 1:14 pm

I think if you're an introverted person but also have a few friends and connections you'll be fine if c"v something were to happen. Some people need constant socialization and some people don't. We don't know what will happen in the future, but I imagine these same people who you see on Shabbos or Yomim Tovim will be there for you if you need them as well and you won't be lonely and miserable.

I'm not your age yet but I'm much the same way. My dh is my best friend and I really enjoy his company and the company of our children. I don't feel the need to have regularly scheduled "girl time." I have a few friends I talk to and see every once in a while and I'm okay with it. When dh goes camping or something else where he's gone for a few days I'm fine on my own. When I travel by myself I'm fine by myself and he's fine at home. This isn't comparable to a loss but I think it greatly depends on someone's personality. I wouldn't worry too much about that right now, may Hashem bless you and your husband with many many more happy years together.

asmileaday

Mon, May 25 2020, 2:07 pm

It sounds kind of morbid but maybe that's because I'm only in my 30's?
I find that friends come and go. Rarely do people have friends they are still close with that are from their early years.
Personally I think a dh that's your friend too is the best kind of friend you can have.
I doubt the friends I make now will be my friends when I'm 70-80.
No one can predict what life will bring, but if ch"v something happens to dh, I'll adapt. I can make new friends then too.

amother

Magenta

Mon, May 25 2020, 3:30 pm

I’ve been married 12 years and I don’t think I can fully relate to the statement “my husband is my best friend”.

I trust him completely, enjoy his company, am impressed by his intelligence and good middos, but I don’t think he “gets me” the way my sisters or best friends from my school years do...

Maybe that’s just the way all friendships are after you grow up? Maybe if I moved in with my best friend from seminary, I’d get sick of her as we weathered the nitty gritty challenges of life and every couple has to create space in their relationship to stay emotionally healthy?

Is this a male/female thing? A “I’m neurotypical and sociable and he’s got Asperger’s” thing? I can only compare to my own life and I know nothing else... I never even dated any other men.

amother

Orange

Mon, May 25 2020, 3:33 pm

asmileaday wrote:

its not rare to maintain friendships from childhood.

FranticFrummie

Mon, May 25 2020, 3:37 pm

I think it totally depends on the wife, the husband, the marriage dynamic, and the personalities involved.

Some women will never be comfortable being friends with other women, for a variety of reasons.
Some women would die without a weekly coffee get together with the girls.
Some husbands really can be your best friend.
Some husbands "don't do emotions", and can't relate at all.

It's extremely rare to find one single person who meets every single one of your emotional needs. If your friend or your husband does not measure up, then don't judge them harshly. It just means that you need to supplement yourself with more people in order to get what works for you.

If you are content, there is NOTHING wrong with you. That's just your personality, and that's totally awesome too!

amother

Burgundy

Mon, May 25 2020, 6:54 pm

May your husband live and grow old together with you, gezunterheit, till 120.

My observation
As ppl age they continue relationships, rarely making new ones. However that can kind of close the elderly in a tighter and tighter circle, as acquaintances move away, pass on or drop them.

Then the aged individual with few social connections may become a burden on the few they have left. And at the age of 104.5 how is one expanding their social circle?

So I think it’s good to have varied social ties, family, friends, charity groups, hobby clubs. Varied ages too.

Say Chv”s they quarantine us when your 119, you’ll have many willing and able to help you out, not only the grandchildren.