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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
I beg of you, please help with DS Zero patience, annoyed
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, May 26 2020, 10:29 am
13 yo DS has always been a challenge. As a younger kid he had lots of sensory issues and was picky with clothing and couldn’t stand to hear us eat. Those issues have gotten better. He has had 2 neuropsychs over the past few years. One last year. He basically has very few issues at school other then ADD. He is taking Foculin ER and A low dose of Zoloft. The major issue we have with him at home is zero patience. He is always walking around how I imagine I feel on my worst day. Ready to snap at people and super short tempered, agitated and just overall annoyed. I have other kids with ADD but none with these other issues. I am at my wits end. He has been spending more and more time in his room Other then to yell at people for talking too loud, not shutting their door etc. Him being in there so much gives my DH and other kids a break but it breaks my heart that he can’t be with our family and get along. He does get yelled at lot which I am not proud of. He never thinks he does anything wrong and can’t be “convinced” otherwise. It makes me worried that he is selfish in many ways. He can be super loving and loves animals but with his family he is so unable to see anyone else’s view. I do not know what else to do, he had been evaluated and diagnosed with ADD (inattentive) type, no depression or anxiety BUT was prescribed Zoloft to help with mood. It has slightly helped. Oppositional defiant was mentioned but not officially diagnosed. Evaluator said that with oppositional defiant it can be setting dependent which is why he can behave at school mostly but be a challenge at home. We have tried counseling, OT, and the medications I listed after trying a few herbal things with no success. Thank you for reading!! I feel horrible that he walks around so unhappy and agitated. I can tell he truly is super bothered by others normal behavior but it is making it very hard for the rest of us.
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amother
Orange


 

Post Tue, May 26 2020, 12:11 pm
Did I write this Post? I read this with my mouth open.
My DS 14 is exactly the same. From being unable to hear people eat to yelling at everyone and never being in the wrong/not seeing the other persons side.
He is the oldest, so all the kids are afraid of him. He hits them all the time and is 100% convinced every time he was justified, b/c the deserve it etc....
Its really hard in for kids, they have begged me to send him away.
He was evaluated a few years ago but didnt get any diagnosis.
He has sensory issues and probably ADD, but refuses to take ritalin.
He has very low self esteem, is so self centered, I worry about his ability to get married one day.
We tried several therapies but nothing really worked. I wish I could help him but I have no idea how.
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amother
Aqua


 

Post Tue, May 26 2020, 12:15 pm
DD with ADHD has some of this. On a recent call for special needs parents, Dr. Pelcovitz said that we should assume during this whole things that our kids may be functioning five years younger than they are. He asked how horrified we would be if this is how they behaved off of all of their meds, because taking away everything they usually use to regulate is the same thing.
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amother
Black


 

Post Tue, May 26 2020, 3:06 pm
I thought I wrote this except ds is 12 and my middle child (different meds). He was dx with adhd & intermittent explosive disorder.

He knows what he's supposed to do to calm down but never does it. He doesn't seem to care either.
Idk what to do honestly.
He gets therapy in school (and now via zoom ) and I can't take him to more therapy. Not that it would matter since he doesn't put anything into practice.

I'm lost . Totally lost & so triggered bec my father was like this (times a million- the tiniest thing set hom off like a bomb)
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 26 2020, 3:17 pm
A large part of this is hormones. 12 through 15 is a nightmare for any child, and a child with other issues is just going to feel worse and be more difficult.

Surly, chutzpadik, defiant, angry, hiding in the room all day, complaining constantly, stomping around like a big black thunder cloud - it's all par for the course.

Kids this age have huge problems with emotional regulation, and in most cases are not in their right minds. I saw a documentary a while ago, where they did P-MRI brain scans of teenagers. The tests came out looking exactly like the brain scans of psychopaths - completely disregulated and all over the map.

Teenage brains develop differently in different zones. The "fight or flight" area is highly overactive, and the prefrontal cortex is extremely under active. That means tons of emotion, and very little logical capacity. Add any sort of preexisting neurological condition, and you have the recipe for an incredibly stressful home for everyone.

Right now, I think that the best thing would be getting some therapy and parenting advice for YOU. Your teens can't really do much to help themselves, but you need coping mechanisms, and to learn how not to get triggered by their behaviors.

The good news, is that by the time they hit around 16 for girls, and 17 to 18 for boys, they level out and turn into decent human beings. DD is about to turn 17, and while she still has her problems, she's a million times better than she was 2 years ago. For the first time in a long time, we both have hope that she will have a bright and happy future.
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amother
Black


 

Post Tue, May 26 2020, 5:08 pm
My son has been this way since he was a baby. I mean that literally. So his getting older will make no difference. (And my father is in his 70s and only gotten worse too.)

Thankfully ds doesn't hurt ppl too often but it has happened.
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bigsis144




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 26 2020, 5:30 pm
My DS10 has been like this for years...

Literally hours ago he grabbed his 18-month old sister out of my arms, locked himself in the guest room, stuck her in a pillowcase and shoved her under the bed as I opened the door with a key from the other side. He thought “it was funny” and yelled at her for being a “worthless, pathetic being” for not playing along with his joke. Because if he thinks it’s funny, everyone should allow it??

He’s told me to “go to hell, moron” over losing an hour of computer time (he still had 3 hours to play later that day, he’d just start later).

He thinks he can just yell “no!” at me when I ask him to do something or just do something that “annoys” him, because aggressive posturing and volume are better than an explanation of his feelings.

I have no idea what to say. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Hug No therapist has been able to change my Ds - he thrives on the adult attention but sees nothing wrong with his behavior. I’m in therapy simply to keep my sanity and stop my “fight or flight” instinct.
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amother
Olive


 

Post Tue, May 26 2020, 5:54 pm
This must be so incredibly difficult for you and your family. I would suggest something that may require real inner work in your part, but will almost surely bring results.
Your ds is super sensitive. He perceives how you feel about him and is uncomfortable in his own skin because of it.
Please work on yourself to love him more, accept and APPRECIATE him the way he is. This is not about DOING something differently, but rather about training yourself to FEEL differently about him. He knows that you’re annoyed by him. And how devastating it is to a child to feel that his own mother is annoyed by things about himself that he can’t control.
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amother
Ivory


 

Post Tue, May 26 2020, 5:55 pm
bigsis144 wrote:
My DS10 has been like this for years...

Literally hours ago he grabbed his 18-month old sister out of my arms, locked himself in the guest room, stuck her in a pillowcase and shoved her under the bed as I opened the door with a key from the other side. He thought “it was funny” and yelled at her for being a “worthless, pathetic being” for not playing along with his joke. Because if he thinks it’s funny, everyone should allow it??

He’s told me to “go to hell, moron” over losing an hour of computer time (he still had 3 hours to play later that day, he’d just start later).

He thinks he can just yell “no!” at me when I ask him to do something or just do something that “annoys” him, because aggressive posturing and volume are better than an explanation of his feelings.

I have no idea what to say. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Hug No therapist has been able to change my Ds - he thrives on the adult attention but sees nothing wrong with his behavior. I’m in therapy simply to keep my sanity and stop my “fight or flight” instinct.


I’m sorry but your situation keeps getting worse. I’m extremely concerned for you and your dd. What can we do?

ETA: I hope your dd sleeps in your room for her safety.
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amother
Dodgerblue


 

Post Tue, May 26 2020, 6:34 pm
FranticFrummie wrote:
A large part of this is hormones. 12 through 15 is a nightmare for any child, and a child with other issues is just going to feel worse and be more difficult.

Surly, chutzpadik, defiant, angry, hiding in the room all day, complaining constantly, stomping around like a big black thunder cloud - it's all par for the course.

Kids this age have huge problems with emotional regulation, and in most cases are not in their right minds. I saw a documentary a while ago, where they did P-MRI brain scans of teenagers. The tests came out looking exactly like the brain scans of psychopaths - completely disregulated and all over the map.

Teenage brains develop differently in different zones. The "fight or flight" area is highly overactive, and the prefrontal cortex is extremely under active. That means tons of emotion, and very little logical capacity. Add any sort of preexisting neurological condition, and you have the recipe for an incredibly stressful home for everyone.

Right now, I think that the best thing would be getting some therapy and parenting advice for YOU. Your teens can't really do much to help themselves, but you need coping mechanisms, and to learn how not to get triggered by their behaviors.

The good news, is that by the time they hit around 16 for girls, and 17 to 18 for boys, they level out and turn into decent human beings. DD is about to turn 17, and while she still has her problems, she's a million times better than she was 2 years ago. For the first time in a long time, we both have hope that she will have a bright and happy future.

Very true. My 13 year old son, not evaluated or diagnosed for/with anything, can be like this because he's hormonal.
Boys have it harder than girls at this age. The hormones and growing up make them insecure with crazy behaviors.
As another mother said, and I was told the same, if he feels he annoys us, he will be so insecure it will exacerbate these behaviors.
I've worked so hard to ignore ignore ignore his annoying behaviors and constantly find something to praise him for. He is much more secure now many months later and at this point when he starts his shtick that makes everyone walk on eggshells around him, I tell him to just quit it. That the world isn't in debt to him. I can only say this because I've put so much positive and appreciation into him.
For several weeks when he was going through his moods one of the things he would do is drool huge globs of saliva all over the house. It was so disgusting but I ignored it with all my might and he stopped! Now if he would do that I'd tell him to clean it up, and he'd accept it without a further tantrum. This is only because of all the months I spent giving him special attention, finding the positive in him and emphasizing it, showing him appreciation, etc. My chinuch expert said, the more I say yes to him and be positive, the quicker he will go through this stage. Because it's insecurity. With his body and brain changing, it makes them crazy. If I would have showed him annoyance or frustration, it would have added to his feelings of insecurity.

I held the line at hurting or bullying siblings and I was very firm about that. When it happened, I told him firmly that he crossed an unacceptable line and therefore he must leave the room/ make space between himself and whoever he hurt. I made it clear that every single person in my home has a right to feel and be safe, and if it was someone hurting him, I would say the same thing.

To show how far he's come- last week he offered to help his little sister take food, and when I complimented him for being so nice and thoughtful, he said: "I dont think you realize, I don't have to try to be nice. It's not like I'm putting any effort in." He was trying to say that he doesnt deserve a compliment while I was trying not to let my jaw drop and tears come through at the same time.
After so many months of selfish unmenchlich behaviors, it was a major balm and relief to hear him say this! I quickly assured him that that's exactly why he deserves a compliment, because he's such a nice thoughtful person, naturally.
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bigsis144




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 26 2020, 7:15 pm
amother [ Ivory ] wrote:
I’m sorry but your situation keeps getting worse. I’m extremely concerned for you and your dd. What can we do?

ETA: I hope your dd sleeps in your room for her safety.


Yes, my baby sleeps in my room. And we just installed a sliding hotel-room style lock because DS learned to pick our key-lock with a Bobby pin.

The constant vigilance is utterly exhausting, as is weathering his unrelenting stream of negativity and verbal abuse.
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amother
Amber


 

Post Tue, May 26 2020, 7:27 pm
Have you looked into pandas, pans, lyme?
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amother
Hotpink


 

Post Tue, May 26 2020, 7:35 pm
The not understanding how others feel part made me think aspergers. I know a kid like your son, OP, and he was finally diagnosed with aspergers, ADD and anxiety.
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amother
Orange


 

Post Tue, May 26 2020, 11:36 pm
bigsis144 wrote:
My DS10 has been like this for years...

Literally hours ago he grabbed his 18-month old sister out of my arms, locked himself in the guest room, stuck her in a pillowcase and shoved her under the bed as I opened the door with a key from the other side. He thought “it was funny” and yelled at her for being a “worthless, pathetic being” for not playing along with his joke. Because if he thinks it’s funny, everyone should allow it??

He’s told me to “go to hell, moron” over losing an hour of computer time (he still had 3 hours to play later that day, he’d just start later).

He thinks he can just yell “no!” at me when I ask him to do something or just do something that “annoys” him, because aggressive posturing and volume are better than an explanation of his feelings.

I have no idea what to say. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Hug No therapist has been able to change my Ds - he thrives on the adult attention but sees nothing wrong with his behavior. I’m in therapy simply to keep my sanity and stop my “fight or flight” instinct.


Hugs to you and your whole family. This Sounds incredibly stressfull. You are probably always on the alert to make sure everyone is safe.
Hug
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familyfirst




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 27 2020, 12:47 am
Bigsis 144, this sounds awful. I really hope you are getting g professional guidance here.
Your son’s behavior sounds utterly dangerous and I worry about his disrespect for authority.

My gut is that he needs either meds or at one point to live elsewhere with enough supervision, even temporarily till his isssue is properly diagnosed and plans are in place for his healing. Definitely don’t want this traumatizing his younger siblings.

Iyh it’ll be good but please make sure that everyone is safe. If you start feeling that this may not always be the case, especially as he physically grows and gets stronger, you’ll really need to come up with plan b.
Sending hugs and love. Such a difficult situation.
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amother
Puce


 

Post Tue, Jul 07 2020, 5:29 pm
Get a dog
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Jul 07 2020, 6:02 pm
Op here. We tried the animal approach. DS has gerbils. He loves them but can’t be bothered to be responsible for them. If I want them to live (which I do) I have to remind him daily to give them food and water and to play with them.
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amother
Amber


 

Post Tue, Jul 07 2020, 6:14 pm
OP (and big sis) your children’s symptoms are screaming brain inflammation! I implore you to find a functional medical dr who can help you get to the root of these behaviors.
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amother
Mistyrose


 

Post Tue, Jul 07 2020, 6:38 pm
amother [ Amber ] wrote:
OP (and big sis) your children’s symptoms are screaming brain inflammation! I implore you to find a functional medical dr who can help you get to the root of these behaviors.

Any recommendations? I’m Brooklyn, but willing to travel.
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amother
Amber


 

Post Tue, Jul 07 2020, 6:40 pm
amother [ Mistyrose ] wrote:
Any recommendations? I’m Brooklyn, but willing to travel.
https://www.aimintegrativemedicine.com/

https://www.bockintegrative.co.....-bock
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