What do you think about this? Couple “rehomes” adopted son

amother

Peach

Wed, Jun 03 2020, 11:23 pm

I feel bad for them because they're being 'cancelled'. There are multiple Instagram accounts and YouTube channels going after them. I didn't subscribe to their channel or their IG page, but I had watched a few of their videos here and there. They showed a sugar coated super happy optimistic life of a stay at home homeschooling family with 4 kids, one adoption, and looking to adopt one more. Until this happened.

One thing that struck me was that Myka said in the video was that they hadn't disclosed some of the violent or scary things they had gone thru with Huxley. It seems in covering the difficulties and making herself seem always happy and super content and on top of things, almost smugly so, she's done herself a disservice, in that none of her followers were expecting this at all.

In a deleted comment, she hinted that Huxley had a condition...I don't remember what it's called but there was a three letter acronym...that basically made him a danger to other kids he lived with and he needed to be in a family with no other kids. I wonder if that really was the case....

Notsobusy

Wed, Jun 03 2020, 11:29 pm

amother [ Lemon ] wrote:

I have no idea what the circumstances are that lead to this couple choosing a better home for their son, so I won't judge them. But I certainly can see how much gossip and hateful rhetoric has been spread about her around the web, and I dont know how they are surviving it...I wish everyone would quietly unsubscribe if they feel that is the right thing to do, but stop posting malicious gossip about this family.

I would normally agree with you, but when you have someone who chooses to publicize their private life in order to make money, IMO they lose their right to privacy. You cant expect to have all the benefits of living a public life and none of the disadvantages.

paintbrush

Wed, Jun 03 2020, 11:31 pm

biological parents sometimes put their children with special needs into homes or put them up for adoption if they feel like they cannot raise them. This is probably a very emotional decision, and I do not judge any of them. However, when adopting a child with special needs, the parents knew about it before, although perhaps not to what extent it would affect their lives. Perhaps they should have taken him as foster care before legally adopting. “Rehoming” is the same as putting ones child up for adoption. It’s not a scandal, but maybe in this case they shouldn’t have taken him in in the first place.

amother

Cerise

Thu, Jun 04 2020, 12:18 am

I'm a speech therapist working exclusively with kids with severe developmental disabilities and I 100% understand why this family would make this very difficult decision. Those of you judging need to rethink. When a kid is little you don't realize what life might be like when they're older, stronger, more frustrated, more violent. It's not fair to say the family should have known it would be hard. A lot of my families are really deeply struggling. It's gehinnom living with a child who doesn't understand, who doesn't connect, who's lashing out physically all the time and hurting everyone in the house. Why would you jeopardize your other children if this child is a danger to them? The truth is that they found a better situation for their son that met his needs better. It was the responsible thing to do. It must have been so painful but kol hakavod to them.

Ora in town

Thu, Jun 04 2020, 1:40 am

Breaking up adoptions happens more often than you would think... about 10% of adoptions get "disrupted"...
https://adoption.com/wiki/Adop.....stics
So those are not isolated cases, there are a few of them every year...
There were a few high profile cases that sparked lots of outrage...
I suppose it was not a good idea on this lady's part to blog so much about it and to make a fortune out of it...

My thoughts are: many people adopt for the wrong reasons and they don't know what awaits them.
many children out there for adoption do have special needs, either from birth or because of attachment disorders or because they went through some sorts of trauma.
Many parents out there who want to adopt are not at all equipped to deal with attachment problems, PTSD,or with special needs.
The parents who are equipped and can handle such a situation are few and far between.
even those parents have their difficult moments...

I am not really a fan of persons who adopt for religious motives (don't know if that was the case here), when they are not equipped to deal with the children who are up for adoption in reality..

I am not a fan either of persons who adopt because of infertility, if they are not equipped to deal with children in general or with difficult children in particular...

But on the other hand: אל תדין את חברך עד שתגיע למקומו
Such a situation is really hard...

In this case, I think she was just overwhelmed by the baby she got and that she did not expect when she was adopting...

Last edited by Ora in town on Thu, Jun 04 2020, 2:02 am; edited 2 times in total

CiCi

Thu, Jun 04 2020, 7:40 am

If they reevaluated and realized that it was too much for them then its understandable. The problem is that they were really not ready to take on all that work all, they just wanted to have a channel where they can showcase their lives and when it became to hard they just decided to give up. The problem is that any in our society people are living for the public opinion to such an extreme that they dont care to trample on others and destroy their lives.

Last edited by CiCi on Thu, Jun 04 2020, 8:25 am; edited 1 time in total

ora_43

Thu, Jun 04 2020, 8:28 am

I'm judging them pretty hard.

Not about the "rehoming" (although I hate that term). Some kids have needs way beyond what the average family can handle. And if they can't meet his needs, it's better they find him a situation where his needs will be met, which it sounds like they did.

Nah, I'm judging them for everything before that.

- Seeking out davka international adoption, because they wanted a younger kid, despite the high risk of something like this happening.

- Agreeing to adopt a child with special needs because "G-d softened our hearts", rather than based on in-depth research into what it means to have a child with severe special needs and whether that was something they'd realistically be able to do.

- Saying repeatedly that they wouldn't cancel the adoption.

- Making money off the kid.

- Less than a year ago encouraging other people to do international adoption and talking about how all her adopted son needs is patience. Given the timeline, either she was lying then, or she went from "everything is fine" to "can't do this" in all of, what, 4 months??

The idea that anyone with a big heart and an American passport can be the savior of a neglected foreign child does a lot of harm. They actively promoted that idea. And they're not even stepping back on that, even now. That - not the 'rehoming' - is the problem here.

amother

Jade

Thu, Jun 04 2020, 8:47 am

CiCi wrote:

I'm curious how you know this, and are so 100% sure about it, that you state it as a fact.

Public persona and personal persona are two different things. What we may have seen publicly may totally not reflect on her personal life. For all we know, they did everything they could behind the scenes. They may have not wanted to show the chaos, trouble and difficult times on their channel because it would mess up the profile they built. But that doesn't necessarily mean they didn't try everything possible. We don't know. So lets judge and instead daven to Hashem that we should never be tested in this manner.

giselle

Thu, Jun 04 2020, 8:56 am

amother [ Jade ] wrote:

The problem is that if someone chooses to publicize their life like that, they are opening themselves up to public scrutiny and judgment. They doesn’t mean we should judge, because that’s not a good character trait, but they are asking for it. Until social media, only celebrities and famous people really had to deal with this. But everyone wants to be famous, and this is what comes with it. I feel bad for anyone who suffers in life, but it’s hard to feel bad for the public judgment they’re getting, because they chose this. This goes to all the you tubers and influencers out there. Personally I am a private person, and my life is no one else’s business. But they choose to make their lives every else’s business. And then cry about all the judgment. Sorry but it comes with the package.

CiCi

Thu, Jun 04 2020, 9:03 am

amother [ Jade ] wrote:

I'm curious how you know this, and are so 100% sure about it, that you state as a fact. Public persona and personal persona MAY be two different things depending on the individual.

I'm drawing my conclusions from their actions, as is everyone else. There is no chiyuv of judging non-Jews favorably but it's nice that you do so, kol hakovod to you.

amother

Jade

Thu, Jun 04 2020, 9:12 am

giselle wrote:

True. But there is a difference between those who question the motives and those who are so quick to judge with proposed certainty of the facts. And just like you state that this scrutiny comes with the package of a public life, so too does questioning the character of those who publicly judge and demean others. If someone is ok with publicly going after others (even more so, without all the facts), isn't equally ok to publicly question that person's stance too?

If you throw your hat in the ring, you're game. It works both ways. You can't cry for being called out, after you've just called out someone.

amother

Jade

Thu, Jun 04 2020, 9:17 am

CiCi wrote:

You're adding words to my post. Where have I stated that I'm so sure? I specifically said we don't know. In that case, I suspend judgment until I do. And that's why I'm not drawing any conclusions. Drawing conclusions without knowing all the relevant information reflects poorly on the person doing just that.

And I'm curious - what would you say to a person if the shoe would be on the reverse foot - Non-Jews judging us unfavorably based on the little information they have. Would you just say that they have no obligation to judge us favorably, so why should they bother doing it?

watergirl

Thu, Jun 04 2020, 9:39 am

The issue in THIS CASE, I think, is not about the IDEA of placing your child up for adoption, which is what they are doing. The issue is how THIS COUPLE is going about it.

- Language like "rehoming" and "forever family" is how one refers to getting rid of a dog or cat that is no longer working out in one home and needs to go somewhere else. Not a child.

- This family used this child to become famous. They filmed his tantrums, his struggles, etc, all without his consent (because children can not give consent, even more so a child who does not have the mental capacity to understand what this means). NOW they are respecting his privacy? COME ON!

- They continue to use his videos and photos on their videos and IG. He is no longer their child, they need to take it down.

- Myka said Huxley needed someone with medical experience - she is an RN.

As for those who say that "plenty of birth parents give up their kids for adoption if they have special needs"... NO, they don't. This is one of those things you see in other, less advantaged countries. Not in the States. Maybe some communities do this (not for discussion here please) but this is not at all a thing in the secular world in 2020.

But, lets say for funsies it is true that many birth parents give up their special needs kids. I would venture a guess that it is done at birth when the needs are clear and obvious. Not 3 years later once a bond has been established. It's so uncommon to relinquish rights to a child after infancy that when the Safe Haven laws were established and started to be accepted by the individual states from 1999-2001, no lawmakers imagined it would be used for children over the age of 1. Nebraska was the state where people saw the hole and took advantage and 5 families drove over state lines to relinquish their older children - but even STILL, ONLY 35 kids were given up. I have a friend in Omaha who was the teacher of one high school student who was given up with her younger siblings and it made the national news. I remember it very clearly. In al cases, it was due to poverty and not because they did not want to raise their special needs kid. https://www.verywellfamily.com.....33906

I would be interested in the statistics for children given up for adoption in the States over the age of 1. I have not been able to find anything. And I know in the heimish community, its all done without paperwork so its not official, I assume other similar arraignments have been made as well.

BUT - I can not imagine how many birth parents, after a few years when ASD becomes apparent, can give up this kid. I have been able to find statistics re: age of child at PLACEMENT with adoptive homes, but not at the age that they were surrendered.

Last edited by watergirl on Thu, Jun 04 2020, 4:00 pm; edited 1 time in total