What do you think about this? Couple “rehomes” adopted son

keym

Thu, Jun 04 2020, 9:59 am

I think people confuse 2 things. Giving up a child for adoption and relinquishing a SN child to a group home or "institution/long term residential facility".
In the first case, it happens occasionally with infants, but after that, almost never unless the government forces parent to lose custody.
But when it happens the parent loses parental rights. They are not required to be informed of milestones, health concerns, hospitalizations, etc.
The 2nd option is when a parent decides that their SN child requires a long term facility. They still remain the child's parent, it usually happens as the child hits teen/young adult, and they still maintain contact, visit, and remain informed of urgent information.

This couple seems to have done the first scenario which is why people reacted so strongly.
Most people (including imamothers) have done the 2nd scenario.

CiCi

Thu, Jun 04 2020, 10:00 am

amother [ Jade ] wrote:

You're adding words to my post. Where have I stated that I'm so sure? I specifically said we don't know. In that case, I suspend judgment until I do. And that's why I'm not drawing any conclusions. Drawing conclusions without knowing all the relevant information reflects poorly on the person doing just that.

And I'm curious - what would you say to a person if the shoe would be on the reverse foot - Non-Jews judging us unfavorably based on the little information they have. Would you just say that they have no obligation to judge us favorably, so why should they bother doing it?

I bolded the words where you stated as a fact that public or private persona is different. As I said, it is not a fact, it may or may not be different, it depends on the individual. So you also stated something as a fact that may or not be true.

In this thread, it is not about facts, it's how we base our PERCEPTION of the couple based on their ACTIONS.

Most people on this thread are drawing their conclusions, in support or against their actions based on the couple's actions.

If a Jewish couple would act like this then you can bet that they were be totally bashed by non-Jews. This couple is being bashed by non-Jews and it would be ten times multiplied if they would've been Jews.

Any time a couple puts themselves in the public limelight they are opening themselves up to public judgement. It's just a fact of life.

amother

Jade

Thu, Jun 04 2020, 11:44 am

CiCi wrote:

You're taking my words out of context to create your own spin. Your choosing the first part of my words and dropping the second to create your own version:

These were my words:
Public persona and personal persona are two different things. What we may have seen publicly may totally not reflect on her personal life.

And to clarify further. Public and personal persona ARE two different things. Sometimes they do resemble each other and sometimes they don't. Hence my follow up sentence which you conveniently dropped - where I used the word 'may reflect'. I did not use any definitive terms, and if you continue reading my statement in that post you will see my explicit statement stating "we just dont know".

Compare that with your statement:
The problem is that they were really not ready to take on all that work all, they just wanted to have a channel where they can showcase their lives and when it became to hard they just decided to give up.

Cici, if I may add, I see a pattern in your posts. When a poster calls you on something, you attempt to twist and spin the posters words right back on them. Even if there is no truth to it. We can all be guilty of doing it sometimes, but if this knee jerk reaction is a frequent pattern, it weakens the impact of all the words of the writer / speaker. The behavior gets associated with the person, and he/she is just taken less seriously.

imorethanamother

Thu, Jun 04 2020, 12:06 pm

Can everyone just remember that this child is FOUR.

If the child is autistic, did she try ABA? Are there therapists in the home? Was there an attempt to modify the behaviors of the child?

And if so, for how long? I think we will never know the answers to these questions. It’s hard to say, but it doesn’t seem like they were really all that committed. A real parent throws their blood sweat and tears at a child with these issues. Especially at this young age. It seems quite extreme to give up so early.

The “rehoming” and “forever family” sound like a lame attempt at marketing and branding. That makes the rest of her confession ring false, despite her possibly real devastation at failing this child.

And for many posters here, who I shall not call out by name, I really don’t think you mean it, but your posts resonate with casual disdain for children with special needs, as if you personally find them unloveable.

amother

Denim

Thu, Jun 04 2020, 1:00 pm

watergirl wrote:

The issue in THIS CASE, I think, is not about the IDEA of placing your child up for adoption, which is what they are doing. The issue is how THIS COUPLE is going about it.

- Language like "rehoming" and "forever family" is how one refers to getting rid of a dog or cat that is no longer working out in one home and needs to go somewhere else. Not a child.

- This family used this child to become famous. They filmed his tantrums, his struggles, etc, all without his consent (because children can not give consent, even more so a child who does not have the mental capacity to understand what this means). NOW they are respecting his privacy? COME ON!

- They continue to use his videos and photos on their videos and IG. He is no longer their child, they need to take it down.

- Myka said Huxley needed someone with medical experience - she is an RN.

As for those who say that "plenty of birth parents give up their kids for adoption if they have special needs"... NO, they don't. This is one of those things you see in other, less advantaged countries. Not in the States. Maybe some communities do this (not for discussion here please) but this is not at all a thing in the secular world in 2020.

But, lets say for funsies it is true that many birth parents give up their special needs kids. I would venture a guess that it is done at birth when the needs are clear and obvious. Not 3 years later once a bond has been established. It's so uncommon to relinquish rights to a child after infancy that when the Safe Haven laws were established and started to be accepted by the individual states from 1999-2001, no lawmakers imagined it would be used for children over the age of 1. Nebraska was the state where people saw the hole and took advantage and 5 families drove over state lines to relinquish their older children - but even STILL, ONLY 35 kids were given up. I have a friend in Omaha who was the teacher of one high school student who was given up with her younger siblings and it made the national news. I remember it very clearly. In al cases, it was due to poverty and not because they did not want to raise their special needs kid. https://www.verywellfamily.com.....33906

I would be interested in the statistics for children given up for adoption in the States over the age of 1. I have not been able to find anything. And I know in the heimish community, its all done without paperwork so its not official, I assume other similar arraignments have been made as well.

BUT - I can not imagine how many birth parents, after a few years when ASD becomes apparent, can give up this kid. I have been able to find statistics re: age of child at PLACEMENT with adoptive homes, but not at the age that they were surrendered.

Sorry you can quote a blank statement regarding the community and then say not to discuss it it here? Why did you have to bring it up in the first place? I actually know for a fact many chasidish families foster special needs kids from non chassidish homes.

OBnursemom

Thu, Jun 04 2020, 1:12 pm

watergirl wrote:

Myka said Huxley needed someone with medical experience - she is an RN.

There are different kinds of medical experience. I have no idea how to be an ICU RN, I wouldn’t know how to do dialysis, and I’ve never worked with severely mentally or multiply disabled children. I did do one rotation in a school that provided for children of that designation, but I would never proclaim myself an expert. I know my field within the RN spectrum. She probably knows hers, and I would be willing to bet she didn’t specialize in taking care of severely autistic children.

zaq

Thu, Jun 04 2020, 1:50 pm

Sometimes people who have a biological child with overwhelming special needs make the difficult and nowadays unpopular decision to put him in an institution. Sometimes parents who may have been able to handle an only child with special needs discover that a child with special needs plus several other children is more than they can manage, and they make the difficult and unpopular decision to put him in an institution. Sometimes a child with special needs is a danger to himself and/or other family members, and his parents make the difficult and unpopular decision to put him in an institution. Except for the tasteless publicity and the fact that this child was theirs by adoption rather than by biology, how is situation different? At least he is in a family environment and not in an institution.

amother

Olive

Thu, Jun 04 2020, 2:36 pm

zaq wrote:

Someone already said this, but I'll say it again. Hiring care for a severely special needs child, which may be in-home or out-of-home, is not equivalent to giving the child up for adoption. The parents retain legal rights and responsibilities to the child, they make decisions for the child, they work to maximize the child's development and welfare, they maintain a parenting relationship with the child and they usually continue to do this long into the child's adulthood.

I have a relative like this who spent a number of years living in a boarding school for disabled children as a child. She is now nearly 50, and her elderly parents continue to pay her expenses for living in a private home, manage her live-in caregiving staff, and regularly take her out for errands and meals and all family occasions. When she has a medical issue, they take her to doctors and deal with them. They have set aside a very large amount in a trust for her care after they die. The fact that they have hired out aspects of her care over the years does not change the fact that they are her parents.

watergirl

Thu, Jun 04 2020, 3:21 pm

amother [ Denim ] wrote:

I said not to discuss it in this thread because I saw no reason to derail the thread with that topic. It has been discussed a million times on imamother already. I brought it up because someone already hinted to it upthead as a thing people do. So I said what I said as an aside the point. And as was said in the other MANY threads, a family who fosters a child with special needs is not the same as the birth family who gave the child up. This thread is about giving your child up. Not about the people who stepped up to the plate to foster.

If you REALLY want to discuss this, please find another thread to do it in so this one is not derailed. Thanks.

Last edited by watergirl on Thu, Jun 04 2020, 4:02 pm; edited 1 time in total

zaq

Thu, Jun 04 2020, 3:22 pm

amother [ Olive ] wrote:

What is your point here? To say that there are people out there who are better people than this YouTube personality? So what? Not everyone has the koychos to deal with special needs even with in-home or out-of-home care. Those who do are heroes, IMO. That this youTube personality chose to give away a child she adopted doesn't speak well for her, but we can't all be heroes. You know, some people give up their own biological children for adoption because they can't deal with them and don't have the resources to get others to care for them. Does that give anyone the right to criticize?

DVOM

Thu, Jun 04 2020, 3:36 pm

For a long time now I've followed Jamie Sheller's blog, Small Things. She adopted two brothers from Africa and ended up 're-homing' the younger brother. I had only compassion for her and her family while reading the story as it unfolded, no judgement at all.

I'm somehow not having the same feeling at all with Huxley. I find the parents to be creepy, kind of gross. Sloppy with love (you are my life!, I couldn't live without you!) and then getting rid of him. There's something off about the whole thing. They're grief seems very fake, very perfect. How long do you think it took for Mama to do her hair and makeup before getting ready to cry on-screen? Did they consult with a stylist about their all white outfits against the white bedding before choosing that backdrop? It seemed like a play, an amateur high school performance, not a couple broken by the loss of a sincerely loved child.

cbsp

Thu, Jun 04 2020, 3:55 pm

watergirl wrote:

WADR, would you mind consulting another mod about your reference by name to specific communities - and then saying not to discuss it here? You post raised valid points but the name dropping without room for discussion was jarring.

(I'm only commenting since you seem to be the mod here)

watergirl

Thu, Jun 04 2020, 4:03 pm

cbsp wrote:

For shalom, I removed the reference. And just restating, I never said not to discuss, I said not to be real this particular thread further than it has already been derailed and to please start another thread.

Last edited by watergirl on Thu, Jun 04 2020, 4:03 pm; edited 1 time in total

giselle

Thu, Jun 04 2020, 4:03 pm

DVOM wrote:

Love how you stated this.

amother

Olive

Thu, Jun 04 2020, 4:39 pm

zaq wrote:

You specifically asked how the situation is different and it is, in fact, very different. Remaining parents vs. ceasing to be parents are two completely different things. I didn't discuss anything about rights to criticize.