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amother
Copper
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 Mon, Jun 08 2020, 5:17 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | | Is this normal? |
Can I flip the question? Do you treat your mil different then your mother?
I think its very normal I speak to my mom every night. My kids always talk to her when I am on the phone. My brother calls maybe once a week. His wife has her own mother. If there would be a big decision like inheritance idk.... I think my mom would treat us equally but day to day is different.
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amother
Pearl
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Mon, Jun 08 2020, 5:19 pm
Sure it's normal. You are after all not her daughter. They have a different kind of relationship.
It's just like we treat our parents different than our in laws.
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amother
Mauve
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Mon, Jun 08 2020, 5:25 pm
I don't understand these responses. Treating the daughter differently than the DIL, I understand. But she is including the kids! Isn't OP's husband also the child of her MIL? Aren't those children also her grandchildren?
My MIL only has sons so I have no basis for comparison. But a child is a child, and grandchildren are grandchildren. If she is treating both families as a whole differently, I think that's unfair and probably not the norm.
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amother
Violet
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Mon, Jun 08 2020, 5:27 pm
| amother [ Pearl ] wrote: | Sure it's normal. You are after all not her daughter. They have a different kind of relationship.
It's just like we treat our parents different than our in laws. |
I dont see how this makes sense, ya shes not her daughter but the husband is still her son
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amother
Royalblue
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Mon, Jun 08 2020, 5:29 pm
Every parent has a different relationship with each of their children and sometimes they're closer to one than the other and sometimes parents and grandparents are unfair and play favorites. It doesn't make it right and it can cause hurt feelings when it's blatantly obvious.
My dad is a lot closer to me than my siblings, my dh calls my dad several times a week just to talk and see how he is, our ds talks to my dad every day and before this quarantine we would see him often but the same can't be said for my siblings or their spouses and kids, most of them live even closer to our parents. When we're all together my dad does treat all of his children and grandchildren the same but it's also not a secret that we all have a different relationship with him.
I'm sorry if you or your kids are being hurt by this, maybe she isn't aware that she's treating some of her grandkids different than others. Sometimes people don't realize what they're doing and if they know they can modify their behavior. It doesn't mean that things will magically change but maybe a little more effort will be put into the relationships that are feeling left out.
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amother
Navy
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Mon, Jun 08 2020, 5:31 pm
Agree with everyone else here. Just like most women treat their moms different than they treat their mils(they are usually closer to their moms), so too the opposite is true.
Mils are usually closer to her dd and dds kids than her sons kids...you can call it favor...but maybe because she is closer, she is "favoring" them...
However, it can be hurtful when a mil expects from a dil to be close like the dil is to her mom, but then the mil treats the dil and her dd differently. I feel like the mil also has to be realistic and cant be hypocritical expecting her dil to be as close/share like dil shares with her mom but then the mil favors her dd over dil. Mil cant have it both ways.
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amother
Copper
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Mon, Jun 08 2020, 5:33 pm
| amother [ Violet ] wrote: | | I dont see how this makes sense, ya shes not her daughter but the husband is still her son |
Did you read the explanation? What doesn't make sense?
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byisrael
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Mon, Jun 08 2020, 5:34 pm
I'm closer to my mother then to my mil
my mil is closer to her dd then to me
follows that my kids are closer to my parents/sil's kids are closer to mil....
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amother
Ivory
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Mon, Jun 08 2020, 5:34 pm
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This is something that bothered me alot in the first 10 years of marriage. You can't control how much they like you. how much they give another child. It'll eat at you and theres nothing you can do. Things can change, and in ways you don't expect. For example. My son get especially close to his grandfather that I didnt see coming, while the ones that they dolled on more when they were younger isn't . Relationships progress, and evolve.
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amother
Firebrick
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Mon, Jun 08 2020, 5:50 pm
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Yes, had the same issue. To this day, my in-laws are much closer to their daughter and her kids. It bothers me occasionally, especially with regards to my kids, but it's something I have to live with. I hope to be a different mother in law when I grow up.
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amother
Purple
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Mon, Jun 08 2020, 7:27 pm
The kids dont make so much sense though, unless she spends lots more time with them. If it is more time, that makes sense too.
I think its just about comfort level which can change over time, if it doesnt get in the way, if you spend lots of time together.
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amother
Wine
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Mon, Jun 08 2020, 7:34 pm
I have the same thing. My mom texts or calls me a few times a week. My MIL will never reach out, and when I do (I try for every week or two) I am met with one word responses.
I don't love it but I understand it. My mother doesn't have any daughters so I don't know if she'll be different, and I only have one little girl so I definitely don't know about myself.
However when it comes to my daughter, it bothers me more. She'll literally offer her daughter's kids food while my daughter is right there and if my daughter asks she'll tell her to go ask her mom. I'll give my daughter food and sit her down near her cousins, and a minute later the family group pings with a picture of the cousins and 'how adorable they're eating' and my daughter isn't in the photo, even if she's sitting right there. Those things bother me a little more.
But as I said, I was never in that shoes and I really can't judge MIL for it. I'm sure she loves them both and it's just oversight or something.
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