My husband doesn't watch any movies and it's hard for me

amother

Wed, Jun 10 2020, 1:19 pm

Let me preface this by saying that I don't normally watch movies on a regular basis. (In HS I secretly watched things that were above PG but BH I haven't since seminary). However, every once in a while I want to just sit down and watch a clean movie with my husband. He on the other hand has completely written off watching a movie basically ever again in his life.

I know I should be so so grateful to have this problem and not the opposite but it's so HARD for some reason. And I don't want to sit by myself and watch! The only time I'll do that is on an airplane while my husband learns...get the picture?

Is that a normal feeling? I'm not trying to drag my husband down but its hard for me to understand that even a clean movie can distract him from his learning for days (his words). I watch a movie and move on with my life...

When we go to my family and my younger sisters are watching something (like The Greatest Showman) I find myself glued to the screen.

Any ideas how to channel this "need"? Or how to come to terms and not resent my husband's kabbalah?

#BestBubby

Wed, Jun 10 2020, 1:23 pm

It's really impossible to find a movie that is 100% clean as the women/girls are not
dressed tzenius. This does not effect females much but has a BIG impact on males.

Find a friend to watch movies with. Maybe you can play a board game with DH.

There are some Frum Movies that males can watch, some in yiddish, some in english.
Check them out.

amother

Beige

Wed, Jun 10 2020, 1:26 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

This is clearly the yetzer hara. You should be thanking G-d your dh is not interested! Do you know how many people I know who used to watch movies with their husbands and then caught them on their own watching [filth]? You are so lucky but the yetzer won’t let you stay focused on that. Your dh is to be commended and lauded for his discipline! You really should channel your desire to watch the movies in another way. Find something else you enjoy.

amother

Mistyrose

Wed, Jun 10 2020, 2:08 pm

I would be a little hurt if it was me who was being careful about videos, and DH was pressuring me to watch "just this one" "it's clean" "it's classic."

Part of it is not just the specific video, it's like opening the door to a yetzer hara that I'm trying to stop.

It's fine for spouses to be on different levels, but they need to respect each other and not try to drag them down or force them up. It's upsetting not to be able to share this part of your life with DH, but I'm sure you can find friends or relatives that would be glad to spend time with you in this way. Some women need shopping buddies if DH is not up for that, movie buddies can be a good thing too.

Success10

Wed, Jun 10 2020, 2:12 pm

BH for your husband's working on himself, I think you do appreciate it, even though you're upset about how it affects you. I've heard before that a husband is never going to fulfill all parts of you. There will always be things he doesn't get, or just parts of your world you can't share with him. You are going to have get that fulfillment from other places. I think that's ok, and it's important to accept that and adjust our expectations.

amother

Navy

Wed, Jun 10 2020, 2:14 pm

amother [ Mistyrose ] wrote:

I hear you, it's definitely more fun to watch with someone.

My suggestion is to find a friend to share this hobby with, it's not really fair to DH to expect him to do something he feels he has moved past.

This.

I am in awe of your husband. good for him!!
Please respect him for his decision even if its hard, your really lucky!

amother

Brown

Wed, Jun 10 2020, 2:18 pm

OP, firstly, you are lucky he doesn't tell you to stop watching, I know some whose husband demand such.
Secondly, we don't watch movies, but silly not so clean videos circling, my husband claims he remembers a very long while, and it pops up in any given time. I agree cuz I see it. He can sometimes comment to me on an old old Videos that I can't recall watching or long forgotten. Although I don't understand how and why, yes, I think men have a bigger nisoyan with such than us women.

amother

Silver

Wed, Jun 10 2020, 2:19 pm

In our family it's the opposite. My husband watches a ton of movies ... his father watches like 3 movies a night ... Motzei Shabbos forget about it - it's a movie marathon. If it moves on a screen, he'll watch it. I think it stems from ADHD which they both have.

When I was in 5th grade I stopped watching. It's been years and years - I'm now 42 - and I barely watch. Maybe something like March of the Penguins with my kids. My husband was annoyed at me for a long time but came to terms with it. He watches alone. None of what he watches is clean enough for the kids. I literally am grossed out when I see what's on the screen (if I pass by in the basement). B"H we are in an okay place in our marriage so we just deal.

He's popular on Xmas eve when a yeshiva guy will text and ask to watch a movie with him ... also for the superbowl ... it's fine, this is what he likes to do, so do millions of Americans ...

amother

Wed, Jun 10 2020, 2:47 pm

Thanks everyone for your responses. I have a bunch of mushed up thoughts going through my head and I'll try to write them out while responding. I'll think this through later when I'm not so tired.

1. Thank you for reminding me how lucky I am, I needed that. (Sorry if that sounded like a humblebrag- I don't mean it to be). I also should tell my husband I respect him for it. I'm just not ready for that yet. I'll get there iyH.

2. I think it's going to have to be one of the things that I "get over" and not try to get him to watch anything even a frum video.

3. Superwify, your example put things into perspective for me, thank you. I honestly would judge my sister if she tried to get her husband to go to the beach with her when he didn't want to (or if she obviously resented it). I think because my father would watch clean movies I didn't put this in the beach category but right it doesn't matter what it is its the fact that my husband is uncomfortable with this. Not sure this is the reason - I have to think about it.

4. On top of that, this is something I have to work on quickly before my kids are old enough to realize.

5. Lastly, I don't get it. Believe me I'm not complaining but why did Hashem put us together? Ligit my husband's biggest nisyanos when we talk about it are about self esteem and the summer when girls walk around hald naked. (Though I'm sure rarely getting frustrated with me is high up there, he'd never tell me that!). I'm like why is it so hard for me to say brachos in the morning!

That's all for now. When I have my brain back I'll keep thinking, or I'll just say it out to my husband and he'll help me through it.

amother

Brown

Wed, Jun 10 2020, 3:06 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Spot on! You are just like many of us! But it's your understanding and willingness to work it out that makes you an amazing and person, wife and mom.
Hatzlacha

amother

Mistyrose

Wed, Jun 10 2020, 5:09 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

5. Lastly, I don't get it. Believe me I'm not complaining but why did Hashem put us together? Ligit my husband's biggest nisyanos when we talk about it are about self esteem and the summer when girls walk around hald naked. (Though I'm sure rarely getting frustrated with me is high up there, he'd never tell me that!). I'm like why is it so hard for me to say brachos in the morning!

My marriage is similar. After quite a while I have to say I'm getting slowly influenced, but I'm WAY behind him.

I think the holy guys need some grounding, so Hashem doesn't give them someone equally holy!

amother

Gray

Wed, Jun 10 2020, 6:02 pm

My dh and I used to watch movies and TV series together. Then I decided I'm not watching any more. Went cold turkey. He was sad because he would enjoy cozying up on the couch and watching with me. It also made him feel guilty that he wasn't ready to give that guilty pleasure up yet. He later went with another friend to a movie theater but I think only did that once or twice.

It's been years now. He still watches once in a while but mostly has given it up too. I'm the kind of person who decides on something and sticks with it for life so I'm very happy we're on the same page but it took a while and definitely created frustration on both ends. Life is a growing process. BH, I had the strength to do this. I had the biggest addiction and it wasn't clean stuff I was watching. Letting go of it gave us lots of bracha BTW, it's amazing to see how our life turned for the better in many ways after this sacrifice.

I know it's hard OP, but just find other meaningful things to do together and you'll get past this. Find a friend if you must watch with someone. Or rethink why you feel you NEED this outlet. I learned the hard way that you can never unsee an image and movies I've seen 30 years ago are just as fresh in my mind. And nothing is truly clean. It puts ideas and images into your mind and subliminally can send images and thoughts to your brain. It helped me forget about reality for a while but it didn't help my reality.