Need some chizuk | Imamother

amother

Fri, Jun 12 2020, 9:23 am

I don't want him to get me down.

And I know its not about chitzonios but the inside that counts.

I want to be strong a d not let it bother me

I want to have the right perspective about it

I want to express myself to someone, someone to hwar im feeling sad.

Dd8 cam home from xdh in leggings. This is not part of my lifestyle. Xdh is otd and his life is all about choices. She should have a choice too.
I feel he's not respecting my lifestyle. At this age imo you make a choice what style or colour you wear but this is offering her a choice of another lifestyle.
Im sad bec I can't do anything about it.
Its not halocho.
Her friends wear it too
Its my issue I know

But im feeling sad bec....I don't know.
Because we aren't on the same page bringing dd up?
.
I dont want her to feel bad even tho she knows I don't like it so I dont ask her to change anymore. If I ask him to bring her back not in leggings he'd tell her bec mummy....

...its all from Hashem and I need to accept it Sad

PinkFridge

Fri, Jun 12 2020, 12:03 pm

I think you're going to get some good insight here. But I also have to ask: do you have anyone you can talk to IRL about this? Not a relative but someone older and/or wiser? Hatzlacha!

And as hard as this, from what I see, the best indicator to raise healthy children of divorce is the parents working together for the good of the child. Things won't be perfect, but I have a strong hunch that this is where you are. Kol hakavod.

amother

Fri, Jun 12 2020, 12:52 pm

Thanks for your replies.

Leggings without a skirt..

She goes to a MO school, so her friends wear it. She wasnt accepted in the chareidi school bec ger father is otd or really because Hashem thought this is best for her.

We dont see eye to eye with this issue 'being the best for her' bec I dont think she able to choose her lifestyle yet while by him its all about choice, choosing what to wear right now. He will buy her a crop top at age 7. She can choose anything in the shop.
Also she isn't comfortable beeing seen by her cousins/neighbours like this. His argument to this would be' she needs to learn resilience'.

Im just very sad, but know Hashem is sending me this . ..

Goldie613

Fri, Jun 12 2020, 1:22 pm

If she isn't comfortable being seen by her neighbors/relatives in leggings,and your ex is big on people making their own choices, shouldn't it be her choice to wear what she's comfortable in?

Maybe instead of having a fight with your ex (since I gather that hasn't worked in the past) , maybe try to get a handle on what your daughter's thoughts are. If she's actually uncomfortable (and it's not just your take on it), she might be happy to have you support her in wearing what she prefers - even if it's just to change into it before coming home.

You can also offer a suggestion you are comfortable with - like skirts over leggings.

Also - and check with someone before trying this one - I'm not sure that there's anything wrong with saying that different houses have different rules. Kids know that - they know their friends do things differently than them, or that at their aunt's house shoes come off when they go inside but at grandma's house they can stay on. Maybe the rule can be that while you'd like her to dress tznius all the time, you understand that she's still young and it may be tricky to do that at daddy's house. So the clothing rules that she doesn't necessarily follow there still apply when she's with you. Again, check with someone who specializes in kiruv or kids and divorce, but it might help...

Hug

amother

Fri, Jun 12 2020, 2:31 pm

Goldie613 wrote:

If she isn't comfortable being seen by her neighbors/relatives in leggings,and your ex is big on people making their own choices, shouldn't it be her choice to wear what she's in?

Maybe instead of having a fight with your ex (since I gather that hasn't worked in the past) , maybe try to get a handle on what your daughter's thoughts are. If she's actually uncomfortable (and it's not just your take on it), she might be happy to have you support her in wearing what she prefers - even if it's just to change into it before coming home.

You can also offer a suggestion you are comfortable with - like skirts over leggings.

Also - and check with someone before trying this one - I'm not sure that there's anything wrong with saying that different houses have different rules. Kids know that - they know their friends do things differently than them, or that at their aunt's house shoes come off when they go inside but at grandma's house they can stay on. Maybe the rule can be that while you'd like her to dress tznius all the time, you understand that she's still young and it may be tricky to do that at daddy's house. So the clothing rules that she doesn't necessarily follow there still apply when she's with you. Again, check with someone who specializes in kiruv or kids and divorce, but it might help...

Hug

She must be torn. She is only little.

On one hand she likes wearing jeans/leggings for diff reasons. Which I understand and otoh she is feeling uncomfy when in my environment (out the house). I think it will have to come from her otherwise its "Mummy doesnt let " and I dont want it against me.
I f I say that xyz isnt tznius the a) she may feel guilty every moment she wears it at his b) I cant have her tell her friends that what they wear isnt tznius.
Bec its not halocho I cant bring religion into this discussion. Its a way of life. I have a ds who is MO and will comment.... . My family is very diverse....