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Forum -> Hobbies, Crafts, and Collections -> The Imamother Writing Club
My feelings



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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Jun 17 2020, 8:06 pm
Suffocating
I feel
Gripped in a vise
Can't get out
Don't want to

Every plea
Every demand
Crawls up my spine
Clings to my lungs
Like a leaden limpet

I loved them
I chose them
Why
Do their screams
Cause such anger
And despair

I don't want to do
I don't want to give
I don't know what I want.

If you ask me
What would make me happy
I honestly
Do
Not
Know.

I am hidden from myself
My soul is gone
It's in hibernation
Only rage and irritation
Are left

What happened
Where am I
Where is my passion
Where is my force
My joy
My love

I fritter away hours
Days
Weeks
And the guilt is so high
That I can't feel
Or think
So I stuff it away
Slam the lid
Close my eyes

I want someone to care
I want someone to hear
But I am cut off
Adrift
Radio silence
From those who claim to care

Then there is double pain
Double rage
A distraction of a distraction
Of destruction.
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Zehava




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jun 17 2020, 8:11 pm
You are in flashback
Back Somewhere in your childhood
Where you were used
Abused
Invisible

It’s not your fault
You matter
Find your way out
Whatever it takes
It’s worth it
You’re worth it
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ExtraCredit




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jun 17 2020, 8:17 pm
You are living through covid-19
Times are tough
Times are rough
It’s all consuming
Till there’s nothing left
Of the you that you know.

Things will get better
School will restart
Financials will balance
You will de-stress
You will get to feel
Yourself once more
Your kids will only remember
The real you.

Sorry for your pain!
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amother
Black


 

Post Wed, Jun 17 2020, 8:23 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Suffocating
I feel
Gripped in a vise
Can't get out
Don't want to

Every plea
Every demand
Crawls up my spine
Clings to my lungs
Like a leaden limpet

I loved them
I chose them
Why
Do their screams
Cause such anger
And despair

I don't want to do
I don't want to give
I don't know what I want.

If you ask me
What would make me happy
I honestly
Do
Not
Know.

I am hidden from myself
My soul is gone
It's in hibernation
Only rage and irritation
Are left

What happened
Where am I
Where is my passion
Where is my force
My joy
My love

I fritter away hours
Days
Weeks
And the guilt is so high
That I can't feel
Or think
So I stuff it away
Slam the lid
Close my eyes

I want someone to care
I want someone to hear
But I am cut off
Adrift
Radio silence
From those who claim to care

Then there is double pain
Double rage
A distraction of a distraction
Of destruction.


You can do it
Just be strong
You can reach the place
That you belong
Just hold on for the ride
Reach out to Hashem
He knows what your going through
The problems- he can solve them
Tefilla and emunah will strengthen you
Pull you out of the sand
Hugs to you praying for you; Hashem is holding your hand
Back to top

amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Jun 17 2020, 8:49 pm
amother [ Black ] wrote:
You can do it
Just be strong
You can reach the place
That you belong
Just hold on for the ride
Reach out to Hashem
He knows what your going through
The problems- he can solve them
Tefilla and emunah will strengthen you
Pull you out of the sand
Hugs to you praying for you; Hashem is holding your hand

This made me cry. Thank you.

Thank you, all.
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amother
Black


 

Post Wed, Jun 17 2020, 10:08 pm
Sometimes you feel like your all alone
Like somehow your supposed to manage on your own
You feel like drowning or just giving up
Nobody knows your in this rut
But then you remember there is one place to turn
Someone who awaits you- your voice he does yearn
Hashem wants to hear your silent plea
He says my dear daughter- talk to me
He is our father there for us all throughout
There isnt a thing he forgets about
So when your down in the dumps and just need to talk
Go out with hashem for a leisurely walk
Talk to him and pour out ur soul
He can comfort you too, he can do it all
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honeymoon




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jun 17 2020, 10:13 pm
I think I just discovered my clone
and its making me feel less alone,
I pray for us all to be set free
or perhaps OP.. are you me?
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Jun 17 2020, 10:20 pm
honeymoon wrote:
I think I just discovered my clone
and its making me feel less alone,
I pray for us all to be set free
or perhaps OP.. are you me?

You brought a smile to my lips
And an empathetic tear to my heart
Last I checked, I don't think I am you
Don't think you are me
But we are all one
We can share
And lighten
Each other's agony
Back to top

amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Jun 17 2020, 10:36 pm
Zehava wrote:
You are in flashback
Back Somewhere in your childhood
Where you were used
Abused
Invisible

It’s not your fault
You matter
Find your way out
Whatever it takes
It’s worth it
You’re worth it

I am doing it again
Repeating the cycle
Inflicting on them
What was done to me
A withdrawn mother
Resentful, scarred children
My biggest nightmare.
Back to top

Zehava




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jun 17 2020, 10:41 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I am doing it again
Repeating the cycle
Inflicting on them
What was done to me
A withdrawn mother
Resentful, scarred children
My biggest nightmare.

But you’re aware
That’s the first step
By no means the last
But it does make you different
Can’t fix
What you don’t take responsibility for

So if not for you
Do it for them
Let it stop
Right here
With you

I know it’s hard
I know it’s terrifying
But I also know
You’re stronger than you think
And you’re not alone

Give your inner child
What she deserves
Validation
Respect
Love

Be a witness
To her pain
So you can heal
And be the mother
You never had
The one
Your children deserve
Back to top

honeymoon




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jun 17 2020, 10:45 pm
Zehava wrote:
But you’re aware
That’s the first step
By no means the last
But it does make you different
Can’t fix
What you don’t take responsibility for

So if not for you
Do it for them
Let it stop
Right here
With you

I know it’s hard
I know it’s terrifying
But I also know
You’re stronger than you think
And you’re not alone

Give your inner child
What she deserves
Validation
Respect
Love

Be a witness
To her pain
So you can heal
And be the mother
You never had
The one
Your children deserve


The awareness just exacerbates the pain
It makes you doubt if you are sane
how can a heart beat in peace
when you knowingly succumb to your inner beast?
Back to top

Zehava




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jun 17 2020, 10:56 pm
honeymoon wrote:
The awareness just exacerbates the pain
It makes you doubt if you are sane
how can a heart beat in peace
when you knowingly succumb to your inner beast?

Yes
Because pain means you’re alive
You’re awake
Facing your demons
Head on
It takes a special kind of courage

Some people
Spend their entire lives asleep
Unaware
They may or may not
Be in less pain
But the pain they inflict
Just keeps passing
From child to child
Like a ball of fire
Until one
Is strong enough to hold it
Feel the burn
But refuse
To pass it on
Back to top

amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Jun 17 2020, 10:59 pm
Zehava wrote:
Yes
Because pain means you’re alive
You’re awake
Facing your demons
Head on
It takes a special kind of courage

Some people
Spend their entire lives asleep
Unaware
They may or may not
Be in less pain
But the pain they inflict
Just keeps passing
From child to child
Like a ball of fire
Until one
Is strong enough to hold it
Feel the burn
But refuse
To pass it on

And now
We are burning
How to keep going
And not be burnt up?
Back to top

Zehava




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jun 17 2020, 11:07 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
And now
We are burning
How to keep going
And not be burnt up?

Don’t keep it all in
Where it will charr Your insides
Speak your truth
Let it burn
Out into the open
Give it a name
Give it a voice
Let that child speak

Fires like these
They burn hottest in the silence
Of your shame
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Jul 09 2020, 8:21 pm
It's like
I'm clutching
A blanket of barbed wire
To comfort myself
And cover my shame.

I writhe in pain
Gather it tighter
It makes me feel better
It has some meaning
The sharp poignancy
As it cuts into me
It reminds me
That I am alive

I'm paralyzed
Torn to bits
Can't get up
I needed something soft
To cover myself
But all I have
Is this barbed wire blanket
That cuts into me
With every move
I try to make.
Back to top

Zehava




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 09 2020, 8:36 pm
I get that it’s scary to let go of the familiar even when it hurts. You don’t know if there’s something else out there. But you won’t find something better until you let go of what’s causing you so much pain.
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thunderstorm




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 09 2020, 8:54 pm
Zehava wrote:
But you’re aware
That’s the first step
By no means the last
But it does make you different
Can’t fix
What you don’t take responsibility for

So if not for you
Do it for them
Let it stop
Right here
With you

I know it’s hard
I know it’s terrifying
But I also know
You’re stronger than you think
And you’re not alone

Give your inner child
What she deserves
Validation
Respect
Love

Be a witness
To her pain
So you can heal
And be the mother
You never had
The one
Your children deserve


These are the words my therapist tells me when I begin to despair and find myself going down the deep hole of regret and guilt.
The pain of knowing what I’m doing sometimes is beyond description. When I feel like I’m repeating patterns , I feel like screaming at myself and ripping myself apart for making the same mistakes. But , that is what makes us different . Its our awareness. Awareness is the first step to healing. Once we are aware , we have the ability to take responsibility and make healthy change. It’s hard . It’s tough. It’s painful. But it’s possible.

OP, the way you describe your feelings are SO relatable, awful and beautiful all at the same time. I love the way you express yourself.
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amother
Hotpink


 

Post Thu, Jul 09 2020, 11:37 pm
Hugs to OP and others who can relate. I feel your words, I know them too well, but I can't write poems to save my life. Just sending encouragement and support. Remember that the shattered luchos were the most precious to Hashem.
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