Betrayed | Imamother

amother

Sun, Jun 28 2020, 11:31 am

we are struggling financially and hub reached out to my brother in law (my sis husband) who is also struggling financially, to discuss our situation and see if he has any ideas regarding financial help, Jobs, ect.. my husband went into details which I wasn't happy about him sharing however hub clarified with my brother in law that it is confidential. Few months later right b4 pesach my mother in law calls hub to say she has a 2000 dollars to help us with groceries. They gave us a cc number and we didn't think twice about it and appreciated what they gave. Just last week hub was talking to his mother and she blurted out, why do u think we helped u? Do you know that the brother in law who u confided in went and called one of her son in laws (my hubs sisters husband) and told him what my hub confided in him and said that we are deep in debt! (Which is untrue!) then that brother in law went on to call my in laws to say that they should help us! I know my bil meant well but to go behind our backs when my husband specifically said its confidential we feel so betrayed. My in laws don't have money and what must have happened is that she must have collected from all her kids cuz they gave us a prepaid cc. I don't know to what extent the family knows my situation but our dirty laundry was put out there through no fault of our own. Im sure our situation was exxagerated. I am hurt and feel betrayed how my confidential info can be passed on like this. I don't know what to make out of this situation. I just can't get to myself. I'm so upset.

amother

Wine

Sun, Jun 28 2020, 11:35 am

You're hearing third hand what he supposedly said. That you are in debt might have been added in later by your mil.

Your bil meant well-he probably thought he was doing a wonderful thing, discreetly alerting a family member to help out....

Lesson learned: don't share what you don't want shared.

amother

Green

Sun, Jun 28 2020, 11:35 am

I understand that you feel betrayed and that your private information was shared without your consent. That is very hurtful and humiliating.

I also don't think anyone acted in bad faith. Your BIL was concerned about your situation and felt that he was out of his depth, so he went to people that he thought could help. Everyone was trying to do their best here. I have been in that situation of reaching out to a family member, and not only did they not respect my confidentiality they also did nothing to help. So at the very least you can feel grateful that your family cares enough to offer help, even if the help was not the kind you were looking for.

amother

Wine

Sun, Jun 28 2020, 11:36 am

amother [ Green ] wrote:

Well said.

amother

Tangerine

Sun, Jun 28 2020, 11:39 am

I am sorry you feel hurt and betrayed. Such a challenging situation!

As an outsider -- who does value privacy and confidentiality to a huge extent -- I see a family who cares about you and your struggles and who gave you a lot of money to help.

I would fargin and if possible be grateful and see it the way it was meant. No one breached a confidence to gossip or criticize chas v sholom but to help. Not saying it was right. Still should be looked at clearly and with the right eye DKLZ.

Your mil probably "blurted out" under stress to you her dear family her son because she has been so worried about you and not able to say a word.

May Hashem Bless you with abundant parnosa and achdes among your whole family.

amother

Sun, Jun 28 2020, 12:01 pm

I understand he meant well. But I dont need the entire extended family in the know. That is humiliating. I don't have much with my husband's family more of like hello so nice to see u kind of relationship. The fact that they all know my detailed financial situation is hurtful. The dynamics work that I am the nebach case in the family right now.

Rappel

Sun, Jun 28 2020, 1:43 pm

I know how you feel, OP.

A few years ago, a rumor mill began that we were destitute, and we started getting all kinds of calls from people around our close-knit community saying "why didn't you tell us? Here, let me give you charity." I could have died. It all began because DH applied to the army for a refrigerator (he was a soldier, and we hadn't had one for a few months. Before we bought one, someone suggested he apply to the army for household benefits). The social worker who took his case was friends with someone who was a daughter of someone in our town, and she spread it around that we had no furniture and were living hand to mouth... It took weeks to kill the rumours, and even then I never wanted to see any of these people again.

I imagine family feels even worse. Sad

Just remember that "This too shall pass," and that your worth is tied neither to your bank account, nor to others' opinions of you.

FranticFrummie

Sun, Jun 28 2020, 1:55 pm

Oysh. I'm so sorry things happened like that! It's nice to know that so many people care about you, but still, I get it.

People need to remember that a huge part of the mitzva of giving tzedaka and doing chessed, is that you should not embarrass the person who is receiving it.

Helping people has to be done in a sensitive and delicate way, especially when it comes to family.

Thank you for posting about your experience. It serves as a good reminder to all of us, even though we all mean well.