Should I have done something differently???

amother

Seashell

Tue, Jun 30 2020, 9:54 pm

amother [ Taupe ] wrote:

Re putting your phone on silent. One of my pet peeves are people calling/texting late at night because they assume your phone is on silent. I had a very ill family member, and couldn't turn my phone off in case there was an emergency. Even someone texting in the middle of the night you still hear the vibration. I urge people to be more considerate in this regard. Vent over.

I totally hear you. but I think people nowadays understand that phones ARE on silent when they go to sleep. I feel like we cannot call house phones past 1030pm and I wouldn't, but cell phones are different.

amother

Bisque

Wed, Jul 01 2020, 12:19 am

I still have a hard time keeping relationships with most of my single friends. My home life and kids are the center and focus of my universe right now, I don't have hobbies, don't have anything interesting to share really. I feel like there's a big gap and we have nothing left in common especially since I don't want to be that annoying friend who always talks about supper, her kids and cleaning up. I don't know how to do better honestly. At this point in my life, I don't think I can talk about anything that isn't directly related to my life status, I simply don't have anything else going on.

Ora in town

Wed, Jul 01 2020, 12:25 am

Yes, I suppose what you describe is that you dropped her after you got married.

You could have made a fixed appointement, once a week, once every two weeks, once a month, and talked to her for a longer time...

Because what hurt her was not that you did not have time at any one given moment. It was that you never had time...

Last edited by Ora in town on Wed, Jul 01 2020, 12:38 am; edited 2 times in total

WhatFor

Wed, Jul 01 2020, 12:37 am

I don't get this whole "dropping friends" when married thing. Maybe they were just friends of convenience? Why else would you drop a friend when you get married? None of my married friends dropped me before I got married and I didn't drop them when any of them got divorced. Mah hakesher?

I get that you may be busier, especially once there are babies involved, but to completely drop someone because they're single so you feel like there's less in common? Literally the only thing you have going on for you once you get married is your DH and your status as married? Suddenly whatever previously bonded you with the person doesn't exist? Did you lose your prior identity? Because you got married?

Idk, maybe some people here married really young and are confusing growing past High School with changing because you got married.

amother

Wed, Jul 01 2020, 7:35 am

OP here- Would it change your opinions if I tell you that I only became friends wih her, a year before I married? With my childhood friends, I keep up with more. With her, I just didnt have so many years of shared memories. Also, she went back to smeinary for another year, after I got married. So that didnt help our friendship either....

singleagain

Wed, Jul 01 2020, 7:41 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

No. Bc she was still hurt. She made the effort to keep in touch and you didn't respond or explain.

I also think you are feeling guilty about it, since you posted this.

It doesn't matter what mistakes someone else made, you have to own your own mistakes.

I'm sorry if you think this is harsh. But I remember one time when I was married, I still went out to a midnight showing of one of the twilight movies with a friend. And I went home after. It's possible to have both friends and a husband.

Rappel

Wed, Jul 01 2020, 7:47 am

singleagain wrote:

But not single friends and kids. An evening out with friends still means you're going to wake up at 5-6 am and have to immediately be an educational, loving, and responsible leader to someone whom likes to stick Cheerios in her hair. Worse if it's a baby, because you still have to do the 2 am feeding and then act like a human the next day. The whole rhythm of your life changes once you have children. Unless your single friend is willing to meet you on your terms, then that's more or less a relationship killer.

singleagain

Wed, Jul 01 2020, 7:59 am

Rappel wrote:

Okay agreed, midnight showings are not all the rage necessarily and not something to do all the time.

But then when I got divorced, I still stayed close friends with some of my married friends It just took a little bit more effort. But I became Aunty to their kids, and would go over after school, for dinner and leave when it was bed/bath time. Now that my friend lives in a house, I can wait downstairs during bed/bath and chat with my friend after for some DMC until it's our bedtime.

amother

Puce

Wed, Jul 01 2020, 8:03 am

I hear you Op.
Do not feel guilty. Tell her thanks for telling you her feelings, acknowledge, validate, and empathize. You can ask her to mochel you as you let her know how sorry you are that she was hurt.
At the same time all that does not mean you did something wrong. You did the best you could at the time.
If there is what to pick up now with the relationship you can. If not, fine so give yourselves both closure. And both of you move on.

Rappel

Wed, Jul 01 2020, 8:30 am

singleagain wrote:

So you definitely met your friend on her turf. Smile

You scheduled your time around her and her kids. I'm willing to bet you didn't expect your friend to text back right away, or have hour-long conversations on the phone on a weekly basis or late at night. You put yourself into a role which fit nicely into the family - Auntie - and you probably play with the kids or help your friend with the household chores while you guys chat.

You didn't expect your friend to act single once she had a family. You made the effort, so your friendship kept growing.

singleagain

Wed, Jul 01 2020, 9:00 am

Rappel wrote:

So you definitely met your friend on her turf. Smile

100% I also once helped a different friend by going to the doctor with her to keep her kids occupied in the waiting room.

Or do the shopping together. Single people need to eat also.

There's still so much you have in common.

amother

Firebrick

Wed, Jul 01 2020, 10:28 am

Rappel wrote:

So you definitely met your friend on her turf. Smile

Umm. This is a bit patronizing.
Presumably by the time the married friend has a few kids and is super busy, the two friends are no longer 19 or 20. And the single one has a regular full time job and isn't really up to midnight outings or hour long conversations on the phone each night. Because even if she isn't getting up for kids, she needs to get up at a normal hour for a full day's work.
(Also, the single friend doesn't need to do her married friend's chores to "earn" her keep as a friend or "fit herself" into the role of mother's helper to deserve her friendship.)
This sounds more like a combination of youth/holdover of an intense teen girl relationship where that kind of interaction is the norm. Eventually real life and schedules hit us all, whether married or not.
And, as people have said, there are so many easy ways to keep in touch now. If not in person or on the phone, text, email, whatsapp. Obviously, things change and evolve and it's unrealistic to expect your high school/immediate post high school level of intense friendships to remain in the same level. But if you allow yourself to get totally swallowed up in your new life and drop all contact with your friends, at some point down the road you will regret it. As PPs have mentioned.

amother

Yellow

Wed, Jul 01 2020, 11:31 am

amother [ Firebrick ] wrote:

So nicely said. That post also rubbed me the wrong way.
Our first friend to get married straight out of seminary dropped all of us. I was super close to her, planned her bridal shower, sheva brachos, was a bridesmaid... and then that was it.
5 years later and shes at home all day with her son, bored, and texting our high school chat if anyone wants to hang out. We all moved on, we lead different lives, we occasionally try to get together. But thats about it