Judging myself as a mom

amother

Wed, Jul 01 2020, 5:51 pm

Have four kids. Oldest 14. Youngest 3. Three older ones all have issues- adhd, auditory processing, asd and odd... the baby is 3 and copying a lot of the bad behaviors of the 7 year old with asd... Covid has been really difficult for us as you can imagine. I started feeling really bad about myself as a mom- like maybe my parenting caused all these behaviors in my kids ... even tho I know it doesn’t make sense. I don’t think that bad parenting can actually cause some of the issues they have. But then again maybe someone with a stronger mehalech in chinuch would have much better behaved children. I’m writing this here because I need support. Is it normal to feel this way? How can I take these negative feelings and make them productive - like I would love to learn better parenting skills (even tho I have taken so many courses over the years and feel I have worked really hard on myself) in general I am a hard worker and judge myself (and my loved ones!) strongly and have very high expectations of myself. The situation in my house is extremely difficult with the kids I sometimes feel like I’m going to burst. Bh my husband and I have a good marriage but he works and the brunt of the childcare and chinuch does end up falling on me. My dh feels I should cut myself some slack and I didn’t cause any of this but I still feel otherwise. Thanks for letting me vent. Looking forward to responses that will help me feel better and some advice. Thanks

hello321

Wed, Jul 01 2020, 6:12 pm

I could have written 90% of this post.
I also judge myself sometimes; wondering if some of the issues my kids have are my fault. (Not all the same as your children's)
Hashem gave these children to you which means you are the best mom for these kids.
We all make mistakes as parents. You sound like you are a thinking person; taking parenting course; trying to improve. Daven to Hashem for help. He is the only One who can help you with any issue.
Also, I don’t know you but I bet you are doing the best you can. Give yourself some slack. It’s not easy to juggle it all.
Hatzlacha!
Enjoy your children!!! They are gifts from Hashem!!!

imorethanamother

Wed, Jul 01 2020, 7:48 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I agree with the above poster. I'm not responsible for the way my ASD child is, and I'm not responsible for my totally neurotypical kids. You get what you get, and the blame game isn't helpful. (Not that I don't do it all the time, but I blame more my spiritual side)

Your job is to get them the therapies that they need, and be on top of it. That's it. Where do you live? If you're in NY, you can get so many things to help them and help you.

What I'm really working on is letting it go. I'm friends with women whose children went off the derech, and I realize that the shame and the blame are the same. Only, with both of us, the key is really to just love your children. That's what Hashem wants - to love them as much as you can, and work on yourself and get them the help that they need within reason. (You can't bankrupt yourself, you can't destroy your marriage, and you can't work five jobs).

I read a lot of biographies, and so many people move past really difficult things by not internalizing blame, by not dwelling, and with the belief that things will generally turn out okay. Please PM me - we can go into more detail on our children that I don't like to do on a public forum. And I'd love to try to get you more help!