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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
My son the pest



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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Jul 02 2020, 12:08 pm
My nearly 14 year old DS likes to get on people's nerves for entertainment. He won't deliberately hurt anyone, but can be really bothersome. He does things like blowing into a sibling's face, bursting into song really loudly next to other people, opening and closing items repetitively in other people's ears etc. When he does this to me, or my other kids start complaining about it, I immediately stop him. If he strikes again I usually punish him by sending him to his room for a few minutes or giving him a job to take care of his apparent boredom.
DS complains that he can't do "anything" in this house, he just wants to give off steam, he's like all the bachurim out there... My argument is usually that he could do all of the above in his room or where nobody is around, or he could find other things to let out steam like riding his bike, jumping on the trampoline etc., but no bothering other people for your own sake and no intruding on people's private space. He insists that when comes home he wants to be with the family and I shouldn't make a big deal out of everything he does.
I also try to engage him in conversation, but when he is in this mode he'll just give krume answers to whatever I say. I sometimes humor him, other times don't have nerves to it.
2 days ago he gave me this new argument: "Are you really concerned that I'm going to grow up bothering other people like this? Just let me be until I outgrow it." My response was that A) I want you to learn to be considerate of other people in general, and B) it's just very bothersome to the family for the time being, even if it's not important to your chinuch.
I might add that he's really serious about his learning and behavior in yeshiva, so he does need some outlet at home. We've tried quite a few hobbies for him to keep busy, playing games etc. He's not interested in any of those, so I'm not looking for any suggested activities.
My question is for experienced mothers of teens: Is my son right? Did you allow your son to do his bachurishe shtick at home? Is this a phase I should let him go through and ignore, while allowing myself and other kids to suffer mildly, or is it something to put my foot down over?
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sequoia




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 02 2020, 12:11 pm
If someone did that to me, I’d smack them.
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Stars




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 02 2020, 12:13 pm
Sounds like he's looking for attention. Even if he gets a lot of positive and/or private attention it might not be enough for him. Feel him out for some ideas of stuff he'd enjoy doing with you.
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amother
Coral


 

Post Thu, Jul 02 2020, 12:15 pm
He sounds like a teenager. No way should you accept this behavior but I think he's enjoying provoking reactions and you stopping him pleases him.

If possible, have your family decide together to ignore him completely when he acts this way. Bribe the younger ones if need be.
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amother
White


 

Post Thu, Jul 02 2020, 12:15 pm
Following.
My son does a lot of the same- not hurting anyone, just annoying them, mostly when he's bored.
My son is 13.

Some professionals recommend to ignore the behaviors.
The problem is that his 15 yr old sister and 11 yr old brother will smack him if I don't stop the behavior.
Then he's learned he can get attention by doing that, and again it goes.
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amother
Slateblue


 

Post Thu, Jul 02 2020, 12:17 pm
the behaviour you describe is unacceptable. why should he unwind by bothering other people. a bochur should apologize when annoying a family member and not continue. obviously we all have a bad day and sometimes small things bother us... but you describe this happening all the time- that must be so hard.
his complaint makes no sense. he says you dont let him do anything. tahts not accurate. you let him do everything that doesnt get to other peoples nerves.
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Fox




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 02 2020, 12:18 pm
sequoia wrote:
If someone did that to me, I’d smack them.

One hesitates to encourage even the slightest violence, but I'm with Sequoia on this. A sibling smack-down may be just what he needs. I'm not saying you should allow his siblings to beat him to a pulp -- just happen not to see whatever mild retribution is doled out.

It's tough as a parent to walk the line between allowing your kids to work out these disputes themselves versus having Mom impose justice. Too far in either direction is a mistake. But occasionally it doesn't hurt for a teenage boy to learn that there are consequences to being a pest.
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Blessing1




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 02 2020, 12:26 pm
I don't think this is something that one outgrows because I know adults that do this. These people are so so annoying and always getting on other's nerves. If he won't learn to stop this behavior now, he might not outgrow it. It is never ok to unwind by bothering others. Try to totally ignore him for a while and see how that goes. The reaction of the people he's bothering is part of the fun, so maybe see what happens if everyone totally ignores him.
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Cheiny




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 02 2020, 12:28 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
My nearly 14 year old DS likes to get on people's nerves for entertainment. He won't deliberately hurt anyone, but can be really bothersome. He does things like blowing into a sibling's face, bursting into song really loudly next to other people, opening and closing items repetitively in other people's ears etc. When he does this to me, or my other kids start complaining about it, I immediately stop him. If he strikes again I usually punish him by sending him to his room for a few minutes or giving him a job to take care of his apparent boredom.
DS complains that he can't do "anything" in this house, he just wants to give off steam, he's like all the bachurim out there... My argument is usually that he could do all of the above in his room or where nobody is around, or he could find other things to let out steam like riding his bike, jumping on the trampoline etc., but no bothering other people for your own sake and no intruding on people's private space. He insists that when comes home he wants to be with the family and I shouldn't make a big deal out of everything he does.
I also try to engage him in conversation, but when he is in this mode he'll just give krume answers to whatever I say. I sometimes humor him, other times don't have nerves to it.
2 days ago he gave me this new argument: "Are you really concerned that I'm going to grow up bothering other people like this? Just let me be until I outgrow it." My response was that A) I want you to learn to be considerate of other people in general, and B) it's just very bothersome to the family for the time being, even if it's not important to your chinuch.
I might add that he's really serious about his learning and behavior in yeshiva, so he does need some outlet at home. We've tried quite a few hobbies for him to keep busy, playing games etc. He's not interested in any of those, so I'm not looking for any suggested activities.
My question is for experienced mothers of teens: Is my son right? Did you allow your son to do his bachurishe shtick at home? Is this a phase I should let him go through and ignore, while allowing myself and other kids to suffer mildly, or is it something to put my foot down over?


The first thing you need to do is not call him names, like pest. I hope you don’t call him names to his face. Obviously he’s looking for attention, and your giving him negative feedback will only encourage him. Kids would rather have negative attention than no attention. Are you spending alone time with him?
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amother
Lilac


 

Post Thu, Jul 02 2020, 12:31 pm
Lol, he sounds just like my brother. He drove us nuts, now he's 16. Last year he went to a yeshiva with a dorm, and when he came gome, he was this sweet, friendly bochur! I think he just grew up...
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amother
Indigo


 

Post Thu, Jul 02 2020, 12:31 pm
My 13 year old says straight out that he does and says things for our reactions.
He keeps life interesting. Our kids would be good friends.
It's the age and hopefully by next year this time it will all be forgotten.

The only thing that's worked with him, if you are looking for a real solution is to take away something every time he does it. If he gets screentime, take off 10 minutes every time someone complains about him. Or have him give you $20 of his own money and every time someone complains about him getting in their face, he loses $1. At the end of the month he gets back whatevers left of the $20.
My son suddenly lost all interest in using people's reactions for his entertainment- I never had to actually take any of it away because he knew it would hurt him to continue so it wasn't worth it for him anymore.
It has to be when siblings complain about him whether or not he takes responsibility for annoying them because he has the imagination and lawyer skills to prove 15 reasons why he's innocent.

Tell him he's cute but our goal in life is to help people, not to bother them. And that his Lego or bike is waiting for him.
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avrahamama




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 02 2020, 12:44 pm
He really needs a hobby. Aside from learning. If he likes to provoke people he might enjoy debate or stand up comedy.

My son wants to be a filibuster when he grows up lol... He is only 10. But I got him a recorder and he records himself telling stories and jokes and then I send them out to his class mommies WhatsApp chat for his classmates to hear.

Seriously find a class or something to enroll him in. And try to get him hooked on a hobby. It will teach him to relate to others.
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avrahamama




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 02 2020, 12:51 pm
Fox wrote:
One hesitates to encourage even the slightest violence, but I'm with Sequoia on this. A sibling smack-down may be just what he needs. I'm not saying you should allow his siblings to beat him to a pulp -- just happen not to see whatever mild retribution is doled out.

It's tough as a parent to walk the line between allowing your kids to work out these disputes themselves versus having Mom impose justice. Too far in either direction is a mistake. But occasionally it doesn't hurt for a teenage boy to learn that there are consequences to being a pest.


Also this.
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Jul 02 2020, 1:11 pm
Thank you all for your responses! You really gave me a lot to think about.
For all those suggesting to let his siblings give it to him, my kids know that hitting will get them into the worst trouble - much worse than pestering. They wouldn't dare. Besides, a 14 year old boy is rather likely to give it back ten-fold, so he'll win after all. It'll only make him feel better.
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Jul 02 2020, 1:14 pm
amother [ Indigo ] wrote:
My 13 year old says straight out that he does and says things for our reactions.
He keeps life interesting. Our kids would be good friends.
It's the age and hopefully by next year this time it will all be forgotten.

The only thing that's worked with him, if you are looking for a real solution is to take away something every time he does it. If he gets screentime, take off 10 minutes every time someone complains about him. Or have him give you $20 of his own money and every time someone complains about him getting in their face, he loses $1. At the end of the month he gets back whatevers left of the $20.
My son suddenly lost all interest in using people's reactions for his entertainment- I never had to actually take any of it away because he knew it would hurt him to continue so it wasn't worth it for him anymore.
It has to be when siblings complain about him whether or not he takes responsibility for annoying them because he has the imagination and lawyer skills to prove 15 reasons why he's innocent.

Tell him he's cute but our goal in life is to help people, not to bother them. And that his Lego or bike is waiting for him.

LOVE LOVE LOVE everything you said, especially your last line to tell him. Will use Iy"H.
I also love the idea of him "losing" money rather than "paying". No humane punishment is really enough to make it not worth the fun for him, but this will definitely get him. Yasher koach!
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amother
Indigo


 

Post Thu, Jul 02 2020, 1:26 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
LOVE LOVE LOVE everything you said, especially your last line to tell him. Will use Iy"H.
I also love the idea of him "losing" money rather than "paying". No humane punishment is really enough to make it not worth the fun for him, but this will definitely get him. Yasher koach!

I knew our kids would be good friends!
Don't forget to reward him and compliment him and tell him how much you love him.
Tell him you love having him around because he is so pleasant to spend time with. (Yes I know that for now it's the opposite but when you say this to him, you'll see he'll strive for it and it will become reality. It really works.)
Try to find some special privileges for him that you can say yes to. Mostly they just need something exciting to look forward to.
Best of luck!
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Jul 02 2020, 1:27 pm
Cheiny wrote:
The first thing you need to do is not call him names, like pest. I hope you don’t call him names to his face. Obviously he’s looking for attention, and your giving him negative feedback will only encourage him. Kids would rather have negative attention than no attention. Are you spending alone time with him?

I've read from other Imas about the feeling of being blamed immediately after sharing a hardship, but didn't quite understand it until I felt it myself now. Although I admit you were just questioning, I must say it did feel condescending to have the finger pointed right at me.
OF COURSE I would never call him that! In fact, this is probably the first time I ever used this word in relation to DS, even to DH. I just wanted the title to be short and to the point.
And yes, he gets alone time with me almost every day. The thing is just that he would like to have me to himself constantly; when he comes home when nobody is around he's the sweetest. But I do have other kids, so his need is just impossible to meet. Besides, I want him to learn to be able to see people giving attention to people other than himself sometimes, without it getting him to bother anyone. He's hopefully going to have a wife one day, who will hopefully pay attention to his kids in his presence!
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Jul 02 2020, 1:35 pm
amother [ Indigo ] wrote:
I knew our kids would be good friends!
Don't forget to reward him and compliment him and tell him how much you love him.
Tell him you love having him around because he is so pleasant to spend time with. (Yes I know that for now it's the opposite but when you say this to him, you'll see he'll strive for it and it will become reality. It really works.)
Try to find some special privileges for him that you can say yes to. Mostly they just need something exciting to look forward to.
Best of luck!

We really should set them up Smile
I do tell him all the time that I love spending time with him, which is actually true - he's a great conversationalist and a really bright young man with a great sense of humor. But I like what you said before, to tell him when pestering that he's the cutest, but that's not our goal in life. Very positive yet no-nonsense.
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amother
Forestgreen


 

Post Thu, Jul 02 2020, 2:10 pm
My 11 year old does this. I attributed it to adhd because when he is medicated he doesn’t do that. Go figure
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naomi2




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 02 2020, 6:57 pm
He needs hobbies and lots and lots of positive attention. Please don't hit him omg seriously people. He is clearly doing classic attention seeking behaviors. I'm not saying to praise him when he's being annoying but other times, give him lots of love and positive 1:1 attention. Help him find hobbies. Sports,
crafts, biking, errands...
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