Teaching tznius positively

amother

Thu, Jul 02 2020, 12:56 pm

Does anyone have any tips for teaching my soon to be bas mitzvah girl about tznius? We are a heimish Lakewood family, I live in area with families with mixed hashkafah. She has few friends and while my other girls wore knee socks before age 10 for sure, she still wears short socks or no socks (with our permission, after consulting with a rav when she was younger. We should have called again last year), as do her friends. Some of the girls this age (10-11), and even a 12 year old, still wear short sleeves, she wants to but we do not allow this. So she is turning bas mitzvah soon and we have explained that when she turns 12 she will have to cover her logs as per our hashkafah. But how can I give over this message, of dressing tznius, in a positive way as opposed to rules and laws and her hating it and wishing she could always wear whatever she wants to.

amother

Black

Thu, Jul 02 2020, 1:02 pm

I think the best way is by setting an example by being positive about how you dress and also makpid and consistant. Chabad start stockings at 3 yo which saved me all these questions of "when to introduce X" but I do feel that DD has always picked up on how I dressed and tried to copy me. Every little girl wants to be like ima.

Also, I wouldn't make it a battle ground. It could be that she won't accept all these changes bang on her Bat Mitzvah. But just be consistent in what you say is required of her. After all, now she's responsible for her own behavior.

amother

Crimson

Thu, Jul 02 2020, 1:13 pm

In tznius workshops for girls, usually they teach that our bodies are holy and precious and something that is delicate and valuable must be covered in careful wrapping. Like a sefer Torah or a newborn baby. We wrap those in appropriate coverings, not in a newspaper or plastic bag, for example.
So too we must cover ourselves appropriately, and halacha teaches us how.
It might not be easy for us especially in the summer but bas mitzva is a good time to rededicate ourselves to this special mitzva.

amother

Orchid

Thu, Jul 02 2020, 1:19 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I don't know if this is going to make you feel better but my girls all covered their legs as little kids because I got them dressed, and all their friends did, and it never occurred to them to do differently. Slowly as they got older - way over bas mitzvah - they each stopped wearing socks, saying they learned the halachos and it's not necessary. As much as I tried to tell them "minhag hamakom" they don't care. It still bothers me, but I don't say anything anymore, unless I know they are going somewhere they have to be covered, and then they usually get offended b/c duh, they knew that already.
My point is, if your daughter really hates how things feel on her legs, you may have to just decide to look away and hope she eventually realizes on her own what is right. That's what I am doing, because although I inwardly cringe every time I see the bare legs, I do acknowledge that while in my neighborhood it is minhag hamakom to cover, it's not actually halachah, and it could be a lot worse...

naturalmom5

Thu, Jul 02 2020, 9:04 pm

amother [ Orchid ] wrote:

I give you a brocha, that bare legs should be the biggest avla she does in this life

Girls feel comfortable opening up to me. I dont why that is. I could be in a library, nail salon, pizza shop, waiting room and girls that could be my daughter tell me their life story..

Anyway, you have no idea, how many young ladies in 40 denier opaque on a 90 degree day or palm , straight out tell me they dont really believe in Hashem..

amother

Orchid

Thu, Jul 02 2020, 9:21 pm

naturalmom5 wrote:

Amen - I will take that brachah, thank you. As I said, I fully recognize that it could be a lot worse. But it's still a challenge when you feel like your kids are rejecting your values. I am working very hard not to make comments anymore, though. You must be very approachable and kind to attract so many people who confide in you - kol hakavod.

amother

Mustard

Fri, Jul 03 2020, 3:29 am

You asked specifically about socks and I don't have an answer for that. But I heard a positive way to explain skirt length that I really liked.

It went something like this "The skirt comes above her knees now so it is too small for her. She can give it to her younger sister and buy a new skirt that fits her" Like the whole idea was that if knees/elbows weren't covered that it was simply that the clothing was a size too small, not that there is something wrong with knees/elbows, and that a skirt that doesn't cover a woman's knees isn't even a bad skirt, it just needs to be worn by a shorter woman whose knees it will cover.

shabbatiscoming

Fri, Jul 03 2020, 5:54 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I dont live in the same kind pf community you do, so take this with a grain of salt, but I personally dont think there is a TRUE way of teaching young girls the beauty of tzniut, especially if she hates it already and doesnt want to adhere to your community's rules.
From experience, dont push it, because that usually backfires the other way. Let her know the dry halachot and for everything else, the feeling of wanting to dress tzniutly, you have to let her come to that on her own.
Just my two cents.