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Is this good chinuch?



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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Jun 29 2020, 6:58 pm
Ill be the 1st to admit im clueless.
My daughter 5.5 has been whining non stop. I can definitely point to some triggers but as of today shes officially back in camp and hopefully will be going to sleep at a normal hour.
I need to whining to stop. Its nails on a chalkboard to my ears. I understand some tolerate it well. Not I.
So I made her a chart- I made 10 squares and she gets to check one off everytime I catch her whining ask her to stop and she does. After 10 she gets a small prize.
Normal? Or giving my child a reason to be in therapy as an adult Wink?
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amother
Beige


 

Post Mon, Jun 29 2020, 7:01 pm
might be better to reward her for a so called 'whining free' period. so eg for every 5,10,20 mins she doesnt whine or when you know something will make her whine and she doesnt YOU giver her a tick on the chart.
the other way youre sort of waiting till she whines and then rewarding her fr stopping.
better she shouldnt start at all.

thats my 2 cents. my kids r totally not angels btw.
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slinky




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 29 2020, 7:25 pm
I agree with the previous poster about checking off for a whine free period. The way it is set up now will just make her whine more and then stop since the more she whines and then stops the closer she is to getting her prize. Its encouraging the whining.
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Ora in town




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 29 2020, 7:28 pm
You could also fade one system into the other...
At the beginning, she gets a reward for stopping...
then she gets a reward for three short whines or less a day...
and then she gets a reward for whine-free days...
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little neshamala




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 29 2020, 7:28 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Ill be the 1st to admit im clueless.
My daughter 5.5 has been whining non stop. I can definitely point to some triggers but as of today shes officially back in camp and hopefully will be going to sleep at a normal hour.
I need to whining to stop. Its nails on a chalkboard to my ears. I understand some tolerate it well. Not I.
So I made her a chart- I made 10 squares and she gets to check one off everytime I catch her whining ask her to stop and she does. After 10 she gets a small prize.
Normal? Or giving my child a reason to be in therapy as an adult Wink?


nothing wrong with an incentive program like this OP, many kids do quite well with it.
But I do think you should realize it may actually be very very difficult for your child to stop whining, even with a reward program. Even if she's totally motivated. It may be a learned behavior that's totally ingrained in her, and she'll need all the positive encouragement and real help that you can give her. You may need to focus on being proactive, not just reactive.

So is there anything you can identify that sets her off/predisposes her to whining?
like, with my kids, I know that they MUST be fed before they have a chance to feel hungry, or they whine non stop and wont even eat their food lol. so DH and I always have healthy filling snacks available for them, and we make sure they eat them.
Or, one of my kids needs to be very stimulated. If he's bored for more than 20 minutes, forget it im done. So I need to make sure to always suggest activities, etc...

Is there anything you can think of that you can be proactive about, to help her stay in her happy zone?
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amother
Dodgerblue


 

Post Mon, Jun 29 2020, 7:28 pm
no it is not good chinuch, if you define chinuch as teaching life skills, not just behavior suppression. Good chinuch would look like this:
find a calm quiet time and sit on the couch with your daughter. Say something like, "sweetie, I've realized that lately when you want things, you say it in a whiny tone of voice. Its normal to want things, and its ok to ask for things, but its hard for me to listen to whining because the noise is annoying. Have you noticed anything about this?" She might say no. She might say "well you dont listen when I ask nicely." If she says that, you can say, "I am sorry. I didn't realize you felt that way. I am going to try to listen when you ask things nicely, and you can try to ask in a nice voice. Should we practice now? Lets say you want candy. Whats an appropriate way to ask me?" Make sure the tone is light and not accusatory. You are on her team, you are trying to help her get what she wants and also respect your own needs. You can also say something like "do you think we should make a special code word I can say to remind you when you by accident start to whine? How about 'cholent lolly pops!' Keep it light and simple. Your goal is to teach her effective, productive communication, not to shut up because she is bad.
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amother
Coral


 

Post Mon, Jun 29 2020, 7:35 pm
I'm not sure if it will work for your kid, or you need to start with incentives, but my line is "I can't listen to/ understand whining. Let me know when you can ask in a big girl voice." I just keep repeating until they're ready to ask normally.
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hodeez




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 29 2020, 7:42 pm
amother [ Coral ] wrote:
I'm not sure if it will work for your kid, or you need to start with incentives, but my line is "I can't listen to/ understand whining. Let me know when you can ask in a big girl voice." I just keep repeating until they're ready to ask normally.


Yup that works
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trixx




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 03 2020, 12:15 am
amother [ Dodgerblue ] wrote:
no it is not good chinuch, if you define chinuch as teaching life skills, not just behavior suppression. Good chinuch would look like this:
find a calm quiet time and sit on the couch with your daughter. Say something like, "sweetie, I've realized that lately when you want things, you say it in a whiny tone of voice. Its normal to want things, and its ok to ask for things, but its hard for me to listen to whining because the noise is annoying. Have you noticed anything about this?" She might say no. She might say "well you dont listen when I ask nicely." If she says that, you can say, "I am sorry. I didn't realize you felt that way. I am going to try to listen when you ask things nicely, and you can try to ask in a nice voice. Should we practice now? Lets say you want candy. Whats an appropriate way to ask me?" Make sure the tone is light and not accusatory. You are on her team, you are trying to help her get what she wants and also respect your own needs. You can also say something like "do you think we should make a special code word I can say to remind you when you by accident start to whine? How about 'cholent lolly pops!' Keep it light and simple. Your goal is to teach her effective, productive communication, not to shut up because she is bad.


Thank you!! Ugh yes.
Shes whining bc she needs connection and it gets your attention. So teach her a replacement behavior.
Also, back to camp after the whole crazy non schedule the kids have had, don't underestimate that this is a big transition- like going back to school after the summer- she needs extra love and connection to stave off separation or other anxiety.
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amother
OP


 

Post Fri, Jul 03 2020, 9:48 am
Im young and dont consider myself any sort of mayven. Im appreciating these answers but im wondering- what if im not that type of mother who spends tons of time catering to the kids emotional needs? I know this the new age idea and everyone is supposed to get on board with it but not every mother can be expected to express their love in the same way. Im an A1 mom in other ways. I made corona into an amazing experience for my kids. I show them I love them by spending loads of time with them. I show them love by buying their favorite snacks and making their favorite dinners. I show them love by cleaning up after them, by doing their laundry etc. None of my children will ever feel neglected in that sense. So no- pep talks and listening to kids kvetch isn't my strong point but guess what? There is always gonna be something for a kid to look back on and say their mom wasnt great at. At least I know what mine is. Whats nails on a chalkboard for me might not be for you but you have your faults too!
(Yes some of these answers do have me feeling inferior in case your wondering)
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amother
Pink


 

Post Fri, Jul 03 2020, 9:57 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Im young and dont consider myself any sort of mayven. Im appreciating these answers but im wondering- what if im not that type of mother who spends tons of time catering to the kids emotional needs? I know this the new age idea and everyone is supposed to get on board with it but not every mother can be expected to express their love in the same way. Im an A1 mom in other ways. I made corona into an amazing experience for my kids. I show them I love them by spending loads of time with them. I show them love by buying their favorite snacks and making their favorite dinners. I show them love by cleaning up after them, by doing their laundry etc. None of my children will ever feel neglected in that sense. So no- pep talks and listening to kids kvetch isn't my strong point but guess what? There is always gonna be something for a kid to look back on and say their mom wasnt great at. At least I know what mine is. Whats nails on a chalkboard for me might not be for you but you have your faults too!
(Yes some of these answers do have me feeling inferior in case your wondering)


I'm also young and my mother has as much emotional capacity as a rock. She will also say she took care of us and provided for our needs. And she did,, she totally did the best she could and definitely took care of us etc just like you said.
Today I dont speak to her, as in I never pick up the phone and call her to chat (we visit plenty, we communicate) bc I just dont feel any connection to her. Some of my siblings do. But she wasn't the mother that my personality needed.
Theres nothing dramatic about this. Its called attachment. And mine is insecure.

Guess what I learned to tell my baby, I love you. I learned to deal calmly and lovingly and respectfully with my toddler tantrums. Maybe your kids will be in their 20s like me and only then realize that the hot suppers meant love, but still never heard you ever say to them: I love you.

I hear that you're defensive, but don't carry over bad patterns. Just start new ones. Its totally possible to change.

Btw I follow someone on instagram who just wrote a post about this. You should check it out bc it says it better than me. @minimalmommying
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amother
OP


 

Post Fri, Jul 03 2020, 10:03 am
amother [ Pink ] wrote:
I'm also young and my mother has as much emotional capacity as a rock. She will also say she took care of us and provided for our needs. And she did,, she totally did the best she could and definitely took care of us etc just like you said.
Today I dont speak to her, as in I never pick up the phone and call her to chat (we visit plenty, we communicate) bc I just dont feel any connection to her. Some of my siblings do. But she wasn't the mother that my personality needed.
Theres nothing dramatic about this. Its called attachment. And mine is insecure.

Guess what I learned to tell my baby, I love you. I learned to deal calmly and lovingly and respectfully with my toddler tantrums. Maybe your kids will be in their 20s like me and only then realize that the hot suppers meant love, but still never heard you ever say to them: I love you.

I hear that you're defensive, but don't carry over bad patterns. Just start new ones. Its totally possible to change.

Btw I follow someone on instagram who just wrote a post about this. You should check it out bc it says it better than me. @minimalmommying



Thanks. I dont have social media bec (shock!!) I like to spend time with my kids. I tell them I love them 100 times and day and kiss them up. I don't tolerate whining. Im gonna work on myself...
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amother
Burgundy


 

Post Fri, Jul 03 2020, 10:18 am
Op you sound like an amazing mommy. keep trying! whining is so annoying to listen to....
I agree with coral, just keep repeating in a calm tone of voice, "I dont hear whining, kvetching and I would love to listen to you when you're ready to talk in a big girl tone of voice" and then when she does talk calmly, respond right away with praise and acknowledgment...
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amother
White


 

Post Fri, Jul 03 2020, 10:21 am
It is good chinuch to teacher when she whines, catch herself, commumicate her feelings in words & problem solve. That is excellent chinuch.

I am a big believer in no prizes. I think its a detriment. That is my opinion & I am well aware that I sm in the minority opinion on this.
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naomi2




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 03 2020, 1:34 pm
Op I'm sure you are doing lots of things right in the parenting department:) since you are asking advice I will second what dodgerblue another said. The goal should not be to shut her up, it should be to teach her communication skills. So the chart is a great idea but needs to be combined with a talk about whining in a calm moment and also the checks should be for asking nicely, even if she whines at first and you ask for her to say it nicely, that is still a victory and gets a check.


****Editing because I see you tell your children you love them. I'm keeping the post for other mothers to see.***

Also, you mentioned you are not lovey dovey and you show love in other ways. Children, even older ones might not interpret those things as love but as things mothers need to do for their children.
Please tell you children you love them every day and hug them every day and tuck them in at night even if it feels weird.
Do it anyway.
Fake it.
It doesn't matter if it's awkward for you because after a while it will feel more natural and it is so so important for your children. This is not a matter of parenting style. Hugs and verbal " I love you" are essential for raising emotionally healthy children.this applies to children of all ages.
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