Is being controlling/manipulative genetic

amother

Cyan

Mon, Jul 06 2020, 4:56 pm

Thanks Op.
Not saying you are "overreacting" more like it is all too easy for anyone to get triggered subconsciously in the type of challenging situation you describe.
It can be super helpful to have a trusted parenting mentor to help deal with concretes as well as macro picture and clarify that you are dealing from as clear a place as possible not triggered.
You can do it!
Sometimes it can help to stop and think to yourself about when this child was born how much you love this child and connect to that sometimes helps to even place a hand over your heart (no matter what he is doing or how you are feeling at that moment) and act from a place of love.
as in: does this act or words bring us closer?

How old is he? You don't have to say if you don't want to obviously

While two is best you can only control yourself and a child can certainly turn out amazing so long as s/he has at least one awesome loving parent/parent figure.

lilies

Mon, Jul 06 2020, 4:56 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Thanks so much. Yes, that's what I do and could always do more of. My ex doesn't empathize and listen to his needs/wants. Can that be causing this behavior?

I don't think there's a direct cause and effect as much as a child not having enough self-esteem and security to be able to handle unpleasantness in life.
A father-son/daughter relationship is important and anyone missing that will be suffering in some way.

Best would be if you have a professional to guide you, and see if your child might benefit from a direct relationship to a professional too. Start with yourself, though.

amother

Mon, Jul 06 2020, 4:57 pm

amother [ Maroon ] wrote:

It's a bit genetic but You will make the difference !
You are educating your son ! don't do the mistakes your in law did with ex husband
Don't give him the education your husband had.
Maybe your mil was very lenient .She let him do everything he wanted.She let him talked the way he wanted...And maybe ,you do the same thing with your son!you have pity on him because he is the son of divorce....

I don't know your story ,but I believe on the כח of the mother!!!
Eissav and David hamelech had the same red hair ....one became the king and the other one...you can decide who you want your son to be!!
Go to parents class.(for divorce mother's is even better)ask specialist on education, google...
And don't forget to pray!!!!(daven daven daven)

I think his mother was just too busy to listen to him and show him she cared. I give my kid a lot of attentive listening but I will try to make more time.

Just want to add that BH we are very connected.

lilies

Mon, Jul 06 2020, 4:59 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I think his mother was just too busy to listen to him and show him she cared. I give my kid a lot of attentive listening but I will try to make more time.

Consider spending fun time together. Even just 15 min a day doing something both of you enjoy doing.

amother

Mon, Jul 06 2020, 5:07 pm

amother [ Cyan ] wrote:

Thanks for the chizuk. Sometimes I need to remind myself he is just a child and not some abusive husbsnd/father and that there's time to raise him.

amother

Maroon

Mon, Jul 06 2020, 5:14 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Thanks for the chizuk. Sometimes I need to remind myself he is just a child and not some abusive husbsnd/father and that there's time to raise him.

Exactly!!!And you are a great mother 💪

amother

Bronze

Mon, Jul 06 2020, 6:43 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I have shared custody but you are right I am very controlling and manipulative with my kids. I make him go to bed earlier then his friends bec he needs his sleep. I made him clean Friday for 7 minutes and withheld a treat if he didn't. I make him go to school every day (mostly). I am sure there is more. Will try to make a cheshbon hanefesh.

It definitely is learned and if your ex is controlling your children no doubt saw it and learned it, depending on their ages.