Halacha by the ages

Success10

Tue, Jul 07 2020, 3:19 am

At what age do you have your kids wait a full 6 hours between meat and milk (if that's your minhag)? Do you do it in gradations, like 4 hours for an 8 year old, 3 hours for a 6 year old?

At what age do you insist on hilchos shabbos and not look the other way? Like right now, if my almost 3 year old plays with a musical toy, I don't really make a big deal. (I know ideally these things should be put away before shabbos, but...) At what age do you insist he put the toy down?

At what age do you insist your kids bentch after eating bread?

At what age do you insist on full compliance to the standards of tznius in your community?

Do you really enforce all halacha by age 7 (gil chinuch)? Or do you still look the other way sometimes if you think you're being overbearing on your kid, or that particular child is still very immature?

shabbatiscoming

Tue, Jul 07 2020, 3:33 am

Waiting between milk and meat, bentching, hichot shabbat - we waited until she understood WHY she was doing those things. So I actually think it was earlier than 7.
I think it is very important that at a young age they understand the mitzvah and why they are doing it. That worked for us.
In terms of compliance with tzniut, thats different as our community has a "live and let live" kind of policy. Everyone does their own thing in terms of dress and nobody blinks an eye. There is no one way for tzniut where I live.

RuralIma

Tue, Jul 07 2020, 3:40 am

At what age do you have your kids wait a full 6 hours between meat and milk (if that's your minhag)? Do you do it in gradations, like 4 hours for an 8 year old, 3 hours for a 6 year old?

our son started when he learned and understood that it was expected so around 5? We don't eat a lot of meat anyway (only for Shabbat dinner) so it has never really been a big deal

At what age do you insist on hilchos shabbos and not look the other way? Like right now, if my almost 3 year old plays with a musical toy, I don't really make a big deal. (I know ideally these things should be put away before shabbos, but...) At what age do you insist he put the toy down?

Same answer as above. When he was able to understand, he still makes mistakes but we don't make a big deal about them. We just remind him that it's Shabbat.

At what age do you insist your kids bentch after eating bread?

He insisted this year

At what age do you insist on full compliance to the standards of tznius in your community?

No standards where we live LOL

Do you really enforce all halacha by age 7 (gil chinuch)? Or do you still look the other way sometimes if you think you're being overbearing on your kid, or that particular child is still very immature?

Our son is more strict and rigid than we are and wants to do what's right according to halacha but we're personally more flexible than he is about timing. So for the most part he has been deciding for himself and we simply guide him and explain the what/how/why/when/where.

I don't know how things will change if IYH we can ever have more kids but I imagine we would try to be flexible with them as well and go at a pace that was comfortable for them. We don't want our son and (wouldn't want future children) to feel stifled by frumkeit but to understand, appreciate, and to see the beauty in what we do and why.

amother

Maroon

Tue, Jul 07 2020, 3:56 am

I try right away.

If my 1-year-old ate a hot dog, I won't give her a cheese sandwich while she is fleishig. I will try to find something else she likes. OTOH, I won't yell at her and grab it away if she finds someone else's unfinished yogurt in the interim.

Then again I won't yell at the 5-year-old, or the 10-year-old either. I'll say, "Oops! You're still fleishig!" and offer an alternative. If necessary I'll use bribery to get them to put down the yogurt ("How about we put that away until you're pareve again. Let's have a freeze pop instead for now.").

By the same token, I don't "insist" on Hilchos Shabbos either, and certainly not by a certain age. But I will tell a baby to put down a crayon because it is muktza, just not get into hysterics over it or panic and run over in a frenzy to yank it away. I will encourage, bribe, etc. the child to put it down and cheer them when they do it. If they insist, I will look the other way... but I'd do that with an older kid also.

Bentching after bread, if I remember to remind them, as soon as they can say the words of Brich. I encourage but don't insist on the first paragraph of the longer bentching once they can, and encourage and compliment when they say the whole thing.

Tznius in clothing we start at age 3, and I try to have it the full package, skirts, tights, sleeves, neckline. I usually start at age 2.5 or so to ease the transition, but again I don't scream if they go on the porch without tights, although I'll encourage/bribe/etc. them to dress properly.

I guess that's my parenting philosophy in general - I'm the cheerleader, not the policewoman.

If they are doing an aveira at any age, I point out the problem if age-appropriate and encourage them to switch tracks. I will be their Yetzer Tov and offer them reasoning and incentive to do the right thing. If they insist, I will just be patient - we all make mistakes.

I don't insist that my teens daven or bentch either, although I'll go heavy on the encouragement or bribery where I can.

It's not just about which mitzvos they are doing at age 7, it's about their attitude towards those mitzvos. So if it's going to be a huge power struggle, I'll let it go. But I don't give up just because of the first no - I try to sweeten the deal to make it easier to pick the right decision.

Success10

Tue, Jul 07 2020, 4:05 am

I like the idea of starting right away when they're babies, so it's not like you're introducing something later. But I didn't do that, and I"m really not disciplined enough to do that consistently. I know I shouldn't compare, but I sometimes feel that compared to the standards of my community, my kids are behind. The oldest happens to be very immature, and things like bentching, tznius etc... are such a burden to her and I really don't want to butt heads all day. She is a very good girl and wants to make Hashem happy, and I dont' want to suck all the beauty out of yiddishkeit by being a policewoman, but there are some things she really just needs to keep already. She'll be bat mitzvah in less than 2 years.

amother

Maroon

Tue, Jul 07 2020, 4:10 am

How about just starting to learn the halachos with her? That way SHE knows the things she "should" be doing.

Then you can leave the policing to her own conscience, and you provide the incentives for her to follow those halachos.

"It looks like that skirt isn't long enough according to what we learned. What do you think about us going shopping and getting you some new skirts?"
"It's hard to remember to bentch after every meal. Should we make a reward chart and go out for ice cream after remembering 10 times?"
"Davening can feel very long. How about doing the minimum tefillah for today? After you finish davening I'll be happy to play that game of Scrabble with you."
etc.

It's really between her and Hashem. You as the parent can guide and encourage her to do the things Hashem asks us to do.

ETA: One of the factors in leading me to feel more relaxed about it is that I didn't daven every day until recently, and I'm in my mid-30s! So I don't panic over kids not following the "shoulds." IY"H they will do so in the right time; my job is to try to provide an environment that encourages them to want to grow in their Yiddishkeit.