Mom spending lots of time locked in to bedroom

watergirl

Fri, Jul 10 2020, 8:30 am

Since you asked. It is a lot of time in your room when the kids are at home. You said you serve them dinner and stay for just a bit; this is one thing I would work on changing. Work on staying with them while they eat. You mentioned your husband comes home very late - when do you eat dinner?

I agree with those who suggested doing your housework while the kids are home. You will be around and available.

Three hours in your room between the time the kids come home from school/camp and go to bed is a significant amount of time. I know you say you are sensory and have issues with the noise. The good thing is, these things can be changed. Your kids, who are old enough to take care of themselves, are also old enough to learn to lower their volume to an acceptable level for you. I do not allow my kids to make so much noise in the house. They know that games and toys that make sounds have to be kept outside, in the basement, headphones, or very very low in volume. That's just an example.

If you desire to change, and I think you do because something prompted you to start this thread, the issues are changeable. If you are concerned that this is problematic, which again, you seemed to imply in your OP, I would address this with a mental health professional."Being sensory" is no longer an excuse for things like this. You can address this issue with the right kind of professional.

Those in the mental health field use a simple litmus test to decide if an issue is chronic and needs to be addressed. It is this: is this issue getting in the way of my every day life? I would say for you, it is. Your kids want you around them more than you are. Not being able to deal with the sensory, the noise, whatever the issues are to the the point that you have to leave for an hour break 3 times a night from maybe 3ish-9ish IS getting in the way of your ability to function.

For what its worth, my mother had severe back pain and severe depression and spent a LOT of time in her room. It sounds like the amount of time you described. It was very hard on my sibling and I. And she did address the depression and pain but it was a long time ago already and the meds that were available to her then are nothing compared to what she could have used now. I look back and feel for my mother, and I still wish she could have been around with us more.

freilich

Fri, Jul 10 2020, 8:37 am

I also think it’s a bit too much time to not be present. Kids don’t davka need us to shmooze all the time, but they do need the sense of security that mom is available.

OP, don’t you get all sluggish and blah after being out ? I can relate. But whenever I klutz too much, I feel like it’s such a bother to be there for the kids after. Like it’s such a chore.
So I try to take some me time, and then get busy with light housework. But what works for me, might not work for you, just saying.

esther11

Fri, Jul 10 2020, 9:20 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Now I have to see what would qualify for “most of the day”
A typical afternoon looks like this:
I’m there to greet them after school and give them a snack. Talk a little bit about the day
Into room for an hour
Serve dinner and sit there a few minutes while they eat (not until they finish)
Back to room another hour
Do some housework
Back to room, with a few interruptions until bed time.
Husband comes home very late.
What do I score?

I’m going to chime in also. My mother often was closed in her room while I was growing up (she too is the overwhelmed from sensory input and she is prone to depression). As a child/teen I didn’t resent it at all, though I definitely would say that I wasn’t super close to her at any point.

As an adult and mother now I have come to realize that it really wasn’t good for my development and sense of security (and that of my siblings). Obviously I can’t change the past, but there are a lot of “could’ve, would’ve, should’ve” thoughts in my mind and I am working hard to be more present for my own children.

I think breaks and self-care are extremely important, if you lose yourself your children will not be better off! There are a lot of good ideas on here and it is really impressive how open you are to hearing and trying to change. Good luck!!!

amother

Fuchsia

Fri, Jul 10 2020, 10:24 am

I cant for the life of mine understand why so many of you think this is okay. Being a mother is a full time job, you cant be there for your children dont have them!
I think this is neglectful and op could possibly be suffering from depression. Yes elementary kids need to be supervised as well, you need to have an idea of where your children are and who they are playing with.
My dh had a mom like this and he was repeatedly molested, others pick up on the vulnerable neglected children. There are so many things that are not okay with this.
You say you have most of the day to yourself when they are at school, that would be the time to take care of yourself cook a meal for the family ect and be fully ready and available for them when they get home. I know people will be upset at me for saying this, im just saying this is how it should be.
I am also a strong believer im stay at home moms for this reason (obviously not always possible).
My parents worked full time and it did have an effect on me. I promised to do whatever I can to be there for my children.
We are not meant to be martyrs, ofcoarse we should go out and have time for ourselves. Arrange for your dh or babysitter to take over and go take care of yourself but when the kids were out all day and havent seen their mom what do you think they feel like when mom runs from them?!

amother

Emerald

Fri, Jul 10 2020, 10:33 am

I didn’t really read thru the above posts I grew up with a mom with depression and NPD
She was always in her room always sleeping door locked I don’t remember playing with her ever- whenever she was present we wld go out on trips and do fun stuff but then next day back to bed. I got very resentful - as for me I’m there for the kids I wait outside for their busses sit with them etc only when they get settled into bed do I go to my room to relax. And they can come in anytime my door is open. Now I know what my mom went thru when she was young makes more sense But it did affect us. I also agree the kids who are alone most of the time are more likely to be molested( thank gd not me)

amother

Honeydew

Fri, Jul 10 2020, 10:37 am

No disrespect to the OP but that is not a way to parent children.
The parent should be the one to stay in the main accessible room and let the kids stay or go as needed. Hang around while they eat. Talk to them.
As another mentioned, maybe do chores near where they are. Preparing dinner, cleaning the playroom, kitchen or living room if needed. If there is quiet time and you want to, go on your phone in an accessible spot. Maybe a kid will come to cuddle with you. They need to know you are around.
Sorry. Take fewer, shorter breaks if you really need to.

amother

Cyan

Fri, Jul 10 2020, 10:58 am

Op I could have written your post. I do the same and would not be a pleasant or functional parent without the down time in the afternoon after a day of work. I did find that days I have a lighter work schedule I am much more present in the afternoon but it's not entirely possible for me to stop working at this point.

Curious from those giving dissenting opinions, would it change if you knew there was a nanny around for the young kids to supervise and help with practical stuff, with mom being around (and always accessible) but in her room as opposed to in the main area?

amother

Fuchsia

Fri, Jul 10 2020, 11:04 am

amother [ Cyan ] wrote:

No a nanny cant nurture and love the way a mom should. Ive never heard this concept of moms locking themselves away. This is so not okay. Your schedule needs to be altered so that you can be a present mom and still find the time to take care of yourself.

amother

Cyan

Fri, Jul 10 2020, 11:07 am

amother [ Fuchsia ] wrote:

I find it very difficult to be the sole caretaker of young children from the hours of 3-7 after a day of work. I am never out of the house during those hours and always accessible but not always in the main physical space. I do have much guilt about it.

amother

Fri, Jul 10 2020, 12:12 pm

Hi everyone. First time in my room today after preparing younger ones for daycamp and putting them on the bus and spending about 2 hours with the older ones in kitchen. Cooking baking and having a good time. So, no I’m far from depressed bh! I appreciate all moms who understand me and accept all advice from the ones that don’t.
I don’t feel my kids are neglected at all since they are busy doing their own stuff during the week in the afternoon and don’t actually need me then. We are not talking about toddlers looking to cuddle.
However, since I feel that I should be more physically present than I am regardless of their needing me, I’ll start working on it Monday afternoon.
I actually feel very validated that there are a ton of mothers who get me. But the criticism of others will only help me improve. So thank you all.

watergirl

Fri, Jul 10 2020, 12:19 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

You sound awesome. Even those of us who offered thoughts counter to what you are doing are not doing it to criticize, but because you asked. We ALL get you! Being a mom is hard stuff and we have ALL been there. You are awesome for putting yourself out there.

amother

Red

Fri, Jul 10 2020, 12:19 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

How old are your kids if you dont mind me asking??

amother

Fri, Jul 10 2020, 1:14 pm

watergirl wrote:

I honestly feel like some people get me more than others. We all have different natures and sensitivities so only those that have a real struggle with this can fully understand. And I see on the replies that not everyone really gets it. Again, that’s ok.

amother

Red

Fri, Jul 10 2020, 1:23 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Its not that we dont get you.. once again were all for self care and personal space and alone time.. but its not really all about you and your sensitivities if your saying its definately not depression then im sure you can put in more effort to work on being more present.. your kids need you no matter what age even if thier not at the age to cuddle also if thier playing at thier friends houses alot then shouldnt there be less noise certain times?