Are you involved in your DD friend choice

amother

Fri, Jul 10 2020, 12:36 am

Hi, I need some advice from older experienced moms.
I feel like DD 12 is getting very close to a girl in her class who is being a bad influence (in ruchnius and middos)and bringing her down a few notches.
DD however, being the 12 year old she is, likes her and wants to spend every spare moment in her company, either live or over phone.
How can I guide her away from her in a positive way before they get too enmeshed?
I don’t want to do it in a way that she’ll sneak behind my back to be able to stay friends with her. I’d so much rather my daughter should agree with me and see that I really mean what’s best for her in the long run.
I also don’t want to involve anyone in the school and hurt the other girls name. That’s not my job.
Any advice? (Please don’t advise that I should let my DD remain friends with her and be the good influence. My DD isn’t strong enough and that certainly won’t work. OTOH that girl is very confident and has plenty other girls she can be friends with. I also don’t want my daughter to hurt her in any way but definitely not be so enmeshed with her.)

amother

Gold

Fri, Jul 10 2020, 12:59 am

Have some cozy chats with your daughter about her classmates, about friendships in general etc. Share with her some of your experiences as a pre teen, some of the diff types of friendships you've had and how you did it didnt navigate healthy relationships. Kids love hearing stories from when their parents were young. Without being preachy guide her on what a good healthy friendship means. DONT mention this friendship unless she brings it up, and if she does bring it up make sure to stay neutral, ask her what she thinks about it etc. After afew such conversations you will find (hopefully) that she will veer towards better friends. Shes still young and open.

amother

Fri, Jul 10 2020, 12:17 pm

Thanks for the replies. However I feel I do need to bring up this friendship specifically and explain to her that this girl is not good for her in the long run. Is it wrong of me to do that? And how can I do it in a smart way so that she should understand and not try to remain friends with her behind my back.

behappy2

Fri, Jul 10 2020, 12:37 pm

We need more details. For example my sister was friends for a long while with a mean popular kid. Getting rid of the friendship isn't the whole story. What was attracting her to that kind of friendship. And what would have helped is showing her her worth, among other things. (She was criticized a lot in other areas of her life and this was familiar to her, and belonging meant a lot to her, no matter the price..)

The question is what is wrong with the friendship? Is this a pattern? What is she looking for?

amother

Ginger

Fri, Jul 10 2020, 12:39 pm

behappy2 wrote:

This. All people gravitate towards unhealthy relationships for a reason. It fills something that is missing inside them.

amother

Red

Fri, Jul 10 2020, 12:57 pm

Bringing it up directly will be confrontational and she will likely get defensive and angry and will try even harder to hang onto this friendship. Maybe encouraging an after school program or hobby such as a choir or gymnastics. Then, she will be hanging out with other girls who share interests and won't have too much spare time for this other girl.

amother

Fri, Jul 10 2020, 1:11 pm

behappy2 wrote:

Ok that girl likes my daughter so she was the one to kind of choose her. My daughter felt honored (we’re talking about a pretty popular kid, think class queen) so she was happy to stick around only her instead of all her regular friends she had till now.
What are the negatives to this friendship?
Said girl is not the biggest Baal middos, to say the least
She’s also pretty immature, can act silly at times. Which is ok at this age but my daughter is way smarter than that. So it’s annoying to see her imitating her actions. I already saw the negative effect it had that’s why I’m looking to limit it now. To the poster who said her mom only allowed once a week visits, these kids see each others daily in school, then talk for hours over the phone. While I want to limit it, it needs to come along with an explanation why I’m having an issue with it. So that is my question. Is it fair to tell my daughter outright that so and so is having a bad influence on you so I decided not to allow this friendship? This sounds harsh to me. I personally wouldn’t go for it as a child.

amother

Fri, Jul 10 2020, 1:12 pm

amother [ Red ] wrote:

This is a good idea but I still need to bring up the elephant in the room. I feel I need to address the friendship and it’s negative effects.

amother

Red

Fri, Jul 10 2020, 1:17 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

This is a good idea but I still need to bring up the elephant in the room. I feel I need to address the friendship and it’s negative effects.

Maybe just show your child that you expect more from her in the way she acts. For example, "I know you really like that skirt, but I don't think it's befitting of you as a bas yisroel." Maybe offer to go shopping together for a new one. Another idea is learn with her positive word power or a sefer in middos. This will open her eyes to her own actions and hopefully have her come to this realization on her own. Again, while not being confrontational and putting down the other girl.

amother

Fri, Jul 10 2020, 2:39 pm

amother [ Red ] wrote:

I like this idea although it wasn’t a tznius issue I was referring to. I can use the same idea for middos. Thanks!

amother

Fri, Jul 10 2020, 2:40 pm

amother [ Navy ] wrote:

I think what all the experienced mothers are saying is, it really isn't best to speak directly to your daughter about this girl. You can speak about what middos you value, but saying something about her friend straight out, is not usually a good idea.

Right guess I’ll do exactly that. Thank you.

amother

Royalblue

Fri, Jul 10 2020, 3:38 pm

It really depends on your daughter's personality and your relationship. I have discussed unhealthy friendships with my daughter straight out. I pointed out the issues and we came up with ways that would be healthier and how to distance from her without hurting her. We also discussed other girls that were better friends for her and we worked hard on building up those friendships.

Chayalle

Fri, Jul 10 2020, 4:02 pm

I've heard from many experts that the way to ensure that a friendship will remain is to actively discourage it.

I think others have given all the good points here. What is your DD getting from this friendship that's attracting her to it? That's something to think about.

If your DD is exhibiting negative behaviors, discuss them with her, and why they are not appropriate, and why she has the need to act that way. She may feel pressure to follow this girl, and that's something to be aware of.

amother

Fri, Jul 10 2020, 4:15 pm

Chayalle wrote:

This is exactly what I wanted to avoid. Although I see other posters did encourage me to outwardly discourage the friendship.
I mentioned previously that my daughter feels honored to be this kids friend due the the kid’s status in the class.
And yes she is starting to imitate some of the other girls immature behavior and that’s why I decided it’s time for me to do something. I’ll make sure to tread carefully though.

amother

Tangerine

Wed, Oct 14 2020, 10:35 am

Bumping this up because I am dealing with a similar situation with DD. Would love to hear how things are going with your daughter OP.

I am also trying to encourage new friendships and to reaffirm existing friendships with strong girls with good hashkafos.

My DD constantly wants to spend time with this friend who is not a good influence hashkafically. She is not in school with her so that makes it easier but she wants to spend much of her free time with her. I can’t always say no! I try to say yes 1/3 times she asks to get together with her. As of now I don’t see any improvement.

What else can I do besides daven?